Reconciliation: The Choice

submitted by ChamomileTea

Any WS that treats their AP better than their BS in any way deserves to be divorced.

Any WS that does not intuitively know to treat the BS better than their AP in every single way deserves to be divorced.

Any WS that was giving AP sex acts or frequency that they do/did not give to their BS deserves to be divorced.

Any WS that loses weight, gets her nails done, wears makeup, does her hair and dresses up for AP but not for her BS deserves to be divorced.

The WS must make amends to the BS and create a new relationship attractive enough for the BS to continue rather than divorce. This will take a lot of sex for most men.

Yes, every WS deserves to be divorced. They broke the covenant. They purposely betrayed their loyal spouse. They've unilaterally ENDED the marriage in the moment they chose to break their vows. Case closed.

But what happens when we choose to continue on with them anyway? What's our responsibility for failing to follow through on dispensing the cheater's just desserts?

There's no justice in reconciliation. We're CHOOSING to forego the natural recompense owed to us (divorce) in exchange for keeping the marriage going. We're choosing to forego punishment. The urge to punish is so very strong. It RAGES from every pore of our skin at times. We want justice for the wrongs done to us. And that's just natural law. We're human animals, not monkeys, fish, or birds. That desire for justice is characteristic to our species.

Yet, in R we choose something different.

You know, one of the first ten thoughts I had during the horror of DDay was "he'll never win another argument with me again". You'd think that would be a welcome thought, but it wasn't. For me, it was just another reason on the list for why I needed to divorce my WH immediately. I didn't WANT to win every argument by default. I didn't want a partner who was always in the one-down position, always beneath me, always wrong, always in the dog house. This one thought made it crystal clear to me that if I chose to continue on with him, there was never going to be any real justice for what he had done. And believe me, he had pretty much done it all.

Even in spite of all this, in spite of my initial instinct to end the marriage, I chose to continue the marriage. I chose it when I had the other option in clear view, an option which was just and deserved, an option which would meet my need to punish my betrayer. But I made the decision to turn away from divorce.

I take responsibility for that choice. On days when my WH disappoints me, it takes all my effort to remind myself that nobody put a gun to my head and forced me to stay in this marriage. There's no gun to my head even now; no chains on the doors or bars on the windows. I'm free to go. I'm ALWAYS free to go. So, even when I feel trapped by the crappy circumstance of former victimization, I have to force myself to remember that I am NOT trapped. I still have choices to make if this one doesn't meet my needs.

Which takes us to your main complaint and is fodder for much division on this forum... sexual compensation. And that really is the correct terminology when you boil it down. You will find many opinions here at SI which suggest that the BS can (and should be) compensated for their injury sexually. Sometimes these voices are quite loud and they speak to the still-injured part of our humanity which cries out for justice so it all sounds very soothing.

But there is no justice in adultery. What's worse, flattery and sex are the coin of waywards, not of healthy partners. If I wanted to hurt my WH, really hurt him, I could have left him in the clutches of the last OW. There were multiple, but that last one was on the cusp of making each and every one of his innermost fears a reality... to become a true paycheck on legs. She wanted a better lifestyle, and through the sex and flattery they had BOTH engaged in, she believed she'd get it from him. It would have been easy justice to simply step aside and allow bug to meet windshield. But even after all he had done to me, I still cared what happened to him. I still loved him. I still felt protective of him.

Did he deserve my love at that point? ...no. Did I owe him anything? ...no. But I am the one who CHOSE to stay. So I owe MYSELF. My words mean something to ME. My sense of honor is tied inseparably to being as good as my word. I take responsibility for me and my actions, not him and his.

That's not to say that I can never change my mind if this marriage isn't fitting my needs. What intimate betrayal teaches us first and foremost is that there's no one coming to rescue us. We have to be whole and strong enough to care for ourselves, always. But part of taking care of myself is being true to my nature, and as I've said, my personal nature demands that I respect my inner need to behave honorably. That's where I get my self respect fed, by owning my choices and upholding my word. Acknowledging this is reversing course from decades of codependance. I am the one responsible for feeding my inner needs. No one else. Me.

Look up the Karpman Drama Triangle online and study up on it. You need to get out of the triangle. You'll start feeling so much better when you do. Once you've explored the Karmpman triangle and realize that you really do have the ability to stay out of it, even if that means taking advantage of the unchained doors and unbarred windows... you're free. Not trapped. No one's perpetual victim.

I'm making it sound easy. It's not. It's a constant struggle to stay on task. But with time and practice, this skill builds into habit like any other.

Anyway, this is getting long. I'll leave you with this... there is no compensation or punishment which will even the scale. The hurt which has been perpetrated upon you can never be taken back. There are no do-overs in real life. This experience is part of the tapestry of your life now, part of your emotional history. It's up to you what you'll make of that.

Many will suggest to you that you can demand reparations. There are none available but the coin of cheaters; fool's gold. True healing comes from within YOU. It comes from honoring yourself. Hell, sometimes you have to begin by building enough Self to honor. In hindsight, I was so codependant and had so much abandonment scarring from my FOO, I didn't have a whole lot of ME to work with. That's still work in process most days.

Suggested reading... The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. Even though it's geared more toward people who have split up, the author gives a fairly good assessment of how the body reacts to emotional trauma and how intimate betrayal breaks open every abandonment scar we've ever had. Also How Can I Get Through to You by Terrence Real. This is geared more toward waywards than the betrayed, but I think it would be good for you to break away from the patriarchal view of gender roles in order to work through the sense of emasculation you're experiencing.

Remember that what to do about the marriage is still up to you. No one can tell you what's right for you. Just mind that whatever you decide, you choose freely. You are no longer anyone's victim. There's freedom when you acknowledge that.

Strength to you.