SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I found this book helpful for my understanding and recovery of abuse I experienced that was ignored and denied even though it happened in public. It also made sense for my recovery from the trauma of infidelity. Here are a few quotes:

A secure sense of connection with caring people is the foundation of personality development. When this connection is shattered, the traumatized person loses her basic sense of self. Developmental conflicts of childhood and adolescence, long since resolved, are suddenly reopened. Trauma forces the survivor to relive all her earlier struggles over autonomy, initiative, competence, identity, and intimacy.

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The damage to the survivor's faith and sense of community is particularly severe when the traumatic events themselves involve the betrayal of important relationships. The imagery of these events often crystallizes around a moment of betrayal, and it is this breach of trust which gives the intrusive images their intense emotional power.

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Restoration of the breach between the traumatized person and the community depends, first, upon public acknowledgement of the traumatic event and, second, upon some form of community action. Once it is publicly recognized that a person has been harmed, the community must take action to assign responsibility for the harm and to repair the injury. These two responses - recognition and restitution - are necessary to rebuild the survivor's sense of order and justice.

Good stuff.

That third paragraph really resonates with me.

The lack of justice, restitution, even just the lack of validation from those that you thought you could count on, that you thought cared and loved you.

That is so very hard to live with.

I think I need to read this book. The frustrating part, even if I read, learn, I know but no one else cares enough to.

That is why SI is so valuable. The sense of community and support and validation. Just absolutely priceless.

WS was introduced to me by my neighbours. He is the brother of one of their family and they sort of matchmade us. I don't like them knowing too much about my life and me & WS kept ourselves to ourselves just to give us a sense of privacy.

But I found myself wanting to tell them about his infidelity and dropping hints etc. Finally I told them. They are very conservative & I feared I'd get a reaction like "Oh men just do those kind of things," but they've been great, realised how serious it was, & advised me to stay away from him. The woman who's married to his brother was also someone who could give me information on his huge FOO issues and some context which I desperately needed. She was shocked and nearly cried when I told her.

So far he doesn't know I've said anything. He'd be angry, but I don't care. I feel no shame about disclosing his stupidity and lack of care & responsibility with a gift he was given. My neighbour has been sweet, made me lunches, and always asks discretely how I am. The discrete support and a couple of more in-depth conversations have been very helpful.

I say this because although slight, it has helped to create this sense of a supportive community. The rest is friends and IC. I've read other posts on disclosure by BS to those around and most people don't seem to do it. I say do it - the shame is on WS and you need the envelopment and recognition that WS has STRIPPED you of. The incredible loss of self/boundaries can be somewhat healed just by having your feelings recognised. Not much can help the terrible aloneness of triggers etc but I have found the idea of "cushioning" things absolutely crucial in my slow recovery. The more alone you feel and the less recognition you get, the more the feelings completely overwhelm you and the more they take their toll physically and mentally. Whatever cushions without numbing helps me.

The more alone you feel and the less recognition you get, the more the feelings completely overwhelm you and the more they take their toll physically and mentally.

I totally agree. We are social beings and infidelity rips the social fabric of our lives.

I hated going to divorce support group at first, but after 4 months I found comfort in being in a place where I was understood, recognized, and acknowledged.

This book really helped me get how important community is to healing. Part of recovering from infidelity is creating a new community around you to help you heal.