SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Gary chapman...

Has anyone read this and found it helpful towards getting to R. My therapist suggested it, but I am wondering if it is too soon to start going this far. Afraid BH will think I am sucking up.

This is absolutely a good book. If my STBXW and I had really been trying to R, then this would have been golden. It was like a flashlight on some deep rooted issues in our relationship.

I highly recommend pretty much anyone to read this.

I read it after dday and it is a very good book, helpful for relationships in general so I do recommend it.

However, as a BS it highlighted how different my WS and I were in our love languages. So just be prepared for this as a possible outcome and make sure you know how to handle that. I think it would have made our relationship stronger pre-A but post, it actually made me feel pretty hopeless and like we'd be better off finding a closer match. I wasn't willing to learn a new language with a guy who cheated on me to put it simply.

We did this years ago with a work book in a six week class. It did not A proof our M, not by a long shot. It helps you see the other persons needs and therefore, supposedly tell you how to respond to them. But do not be fooled that working to meet the other persons needs is a magic bullet.

The goal is recognizing needs and working to meet those needs in your relationship, not aligning them. Differing needs are not a problem and the Chapman does not suggest that your needs should be the same to have a great relationship. Differing love languages should not be a cause for trouble in your M as long as the spouses recognize them and do the homework for each other.

My H and I listened to it and even took the quiz. I thought it was pretty good. Eye opening to discover some things about H. We were both pretty set in our ways so it's hard to keep remembering to love the other person how they want to be loved, not how you yourself want to be loved.

My H and I listened to it and even took the quiz. I thought it was pretty good. Eye opening to discover some things about H. We were both pretty set in our ways so it's hard to keep remembering to love the other person how they want to be loved, not how you yourself want to be loved.

Eye opening to discover some things about H.

Same here. I'm a words person and have always found it hurtful that my husband never compliments me, or says anything even the slightest bit romantic. When I read this book, it was as though a light had suddenly been turned on for me. Suddenly, I realized that when my husband is feeling well-disposed toward me, or regrets something he's done or said and is remorseful, his way of expressing it is to DO something for me. eg He'll mend something in the house that's broken and that I've been complaining about for ages, or will spend a lot of time cleaning something for me.

Once I understood this, it became easier to accept the lack of the words that I have so longed for. I really wish I'd read the book before I found out about the EA. Just afterwards,I was totally focused on what my WS was saying - or, rather, NOT saying. And I realize now that I almost certainly missed some of his attempts to express remorse. Because, of course, I had no idea that this was what they were. And recognizing that he was apologizing, but in his own way, not in mine, might have made the pain a little easier to bear.

[This message edited by Cally60 at 1:19 AM, June 4th (Saturday)]

Read their web site. I thought the insights profound. I would reccomed reading about Men are from Mars Women are from Venus too. I figured decades ago I could take the easy way out would be to marry a woman from Mars. Couldn't find one.

Score one for Henrey Higgins.

I have just finished this book (military edition) because I was feeling hopeful one day, and looking for ways to make this M work even with him being gone for weeks at a time.

I can see how this book would be helpful, yet to me it smacked of trying to "nice them back". I already made that mistake! (probably by following the advice of this book and another called Marriage Fitness....)

because while I had skimmed through this book before when my WH and I were seperated in 2014, I now find it very frustrating that I WAS speaking his love language and he STILL chose to seek out other people online, and eventually in person.

Unfortunately, the premise of this book banks on BOTH partners actually being "partners" in the marriage. BOTH partners need to be willing to WORK.... and yet again, I am left feeling as though I am trying to fix the M while he skates by on my coat-tails.

(English Grad edited spelling error... )

[This message edited by MultiplePain at 8:27 AM, January 11th (Wednesday)]

I wasn't willing to learn a new language with a guy who cheated on me to put it simply.

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Amen!!!!

Not unless said cheater was immensely ashamed of what he did and did what it took to gain my respect and trust back..And he would also have to learn/speak my love languages..

Otherwise FTG..

I would rather flip my POS WH the bird in front of God and everybody... There is no way I am gonna bend over backwards to keep the status quo intact..Nothing in it for me..

My experience was similar to Lovedyoumore. Our Sunday school class did this several years ago. I can't remember if it was pre-A or in the midst of her A's, I kind of think it was the latter. Regardless of it having been before or during, it certainly didn't stop her from starting/continuing her A's. It did give us a little more insight into each other and what we look for in a relationship. From that standpoint I think it was worth it and it was kind of fun. IMO you'd have to be very far along in R before taking it though. A lot of other things in a M need to be fixed before this will be helpful.

I read the book several years ago when I was trying to figure out why XWH#2 was acting so strangely. Now, I know. Of course he wouldn't read it and said he didn't believe in all that.

I did take the 5 languages of love quiz online with my SO. He was more than willing to take the quiz and we found out we were basically about the same in how we showed and wanted to receive love.

I think for anything like this to actually work, both must be all in or you are wasting your time except in seeing what you want and then comparing it to what you are receiving.