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Short story: we are 5 months out of my DD (we are MH, quite complicated story), but since that day, he has TT about a lot of things that are not necessarely related to his A and, well, it has to stop if we want our relationship to survive.

So i told him that i'm ready to help him cope with his lying problems if he's putting the effort to change that habit.

So here i am! I'm all ears if any of you has any book suggestion for a liar? Could be marriage related or not. Could be a workbook too. I'll look at anything that is suggested and share info with my H.

I looked at the book 'Tell me no lies', has anyone read it? Was it helpful?

Thanks everyone!

For those who rather talk to the one whose to blame for the situation or ask questions as to why I think the trickle truth happened. I am her partner (I will ask her to confirm it so no one doubts it)

If you guys have any questions or comments or judgments I am all ears. They might help me form my thoughts better and prevent this from happening again. This is a deep seated problem that I have trouble dealing with and I have made her suffer more than I could imagine because of it.

(LongestRide, let me know if I you refer I stay out of this topic)

well, I wonder if this should be posted in recon. anyway, what do you say to yourself that makes it ok to TT?

what if you made a commitment to radical honesty? the truth no matter what. and then when something comes up you say hey I decided to do this so there is only one choice here.

Sewardak, I have thought about it for bit (ok it has kept me awake at night but that is not relevant here) since the last TT that happened recently. I will go through the typical thoughts that go through my head when the lies are initially established and how I rationalize it from then on (again just to be clear this not justification, I know this is wrong but do it anyway).

-Usually a conflict is already happening or will happen with the discussion that would involve the concerned subject

-I immediately think about what she would think of it and how she would react. Basically I make assumptions that are founded in fear and false beliefs towards how she would consider the thing I should tell her.

-If a conflict is already happening I sugar coat things by keeping key details to myself and shaping the situation to something that I believe she would react better to. If there is no conflict I just submit to my considerations about how it would affect her and our relationship and keep it to myself.

-When the lie I created for myself comes back to mind or when I feel the need/urge to tell her I justify me keeping the lie secret by the fact that I am committed to the lie now that it has been made. Saying it would only make things worse. While I do consciously know if I think about it voluntarily and not on the emotion of the moment that it is even worse to do so.

We have talked a lot and it has helped me realize that this habit I have is most likely based in my tendencies to avoid conflict.

By now my only option is radical honesty. Ive tried to apply myself to it at the moment of the beginning of our R (5 months ago) but I have repeated the error 3 times since then and this is my last chance.

[This message edited by AngryTraveler at 5:26 PM, July 31st (Monday)]

Often it is fear and shame that are behind the lies and TT.

A good book to address fear is "The Places That Scare You" by Pema Chödrön. (I have links to some her YouTube videos in my profile that will give you an idea of what her work is like).

The best books to address shame are "The Gifts of Imperfection", "Daring Greatly", and "Rising Strong" by Brene Brown. She has some TEDTalks videos about shame and vulnerability that are really good. I have links to them in my profile as well.

There is also a thread of books for WS in the Wayward forum that is good. The last page, I believe, has a summary of all of the books listed in the thread. I will bump it up so it's easy to find.

Thanks for the suggestions and for your time onlytime, I will be looking into those resources for sure (the TEDTalks seem very interesting to me).