Tomorrow marks ten months out from DDay 2. Six days marks a year since any physical intimacy ended.
I am not the same person whose life came crashing down on November 29th, 2014. I am not the same person who ended attempts at R on August 14th, 2019.
My weight loss has stopped, even reversed a little. I've gained back 15 of the 30lbs I lost post DDay 2, but my stomach is flatter, my musculature has returned, and my physical strength has increased. I'm replacing fat with muscle, and I like it. I'm still Captain DadBod, but I pull it off.
I've gotten back a lot of my short term attention memory. I remember things clearer now that I refuse to defer to my cheating ex's gaslighting. My mental acuity is much sharper than it has been in a long time.
My physical skills in woodworking have increased tenfold. It's a hobby that has started making me money. My writing has fallen off, but I am regaining my confidence, and I am certain it'll come back to me when the time is right.
I've been on one date total, and that didn't work out so well (the date went fine, but I didn't click with the lady), but there were no hard feelings and we amicably parted ways. I've been talking to another woman for about two weeks, and despite the whole Covid thing, we're working on a way to meet face-to-face. She's very different from my ex, and I think I like that. We have a lot of fun chatting. I think she's cuter'n hell, and I can see that she is very attracted to me, which is a very welcome change from the last decade.
I am comfortable by myself and I don't spend all day every day wallowing in despair or fury anymore. Don't get me wrong, I am still so incredibly angry, and I don't think i will ever, EVER let go of that grudge. The whole "someday you'll thank me for this" shit she said to me will never be true. I will NEVER thank her for what she did... that's absurd.
My hatred for all of her APs is just as strong as it was post each DDay. That doesn't affect me on the day-to-day, minute-by-minute of my life, so I see no reason to let it go. It'll never amount to anything, and honestly, I've earned it.
My feelings for my cheating ex are both complicated and simple. I get along with her on the day to day. I work with her in caring for the kids and taking care of the house. I can even share a joke with her from time to time. And yet, when I see her say things about how she won't water herself down or silence herself for anyone else's comfort, how she's tired of being judged, how she is living her best, most true life, I just roll my eyes at the absurdity of it all. In the actions of Michael Keaton;
When I see people bailing on her because of the light being shined on who she really is, I'll admit to a quiet, perverse pleasure. Schadenfreude is strong with me regarding her. And yet, honestly, I hope she does well after we complete our separation. Mostly for my kids's sake; they deserve a mentally and emotionally healthy and mature mother who is capable of providing the support they need, and right now, she's trying desperately to be a single 20-something in an almost 40 year old mother of five's body. I hope she gets past that, but a teensy-tiny part of me still hopes she absolutely crashes and burns and feels every little drop of pain she put me through, all the while knowing that it is 100% her fault.
*cough* so yeah, I did mention I was still angry.
I'm waking up on this day to sun outside, a purring cat on my lap, a skyrocketing credit score, a not-empty bank account, a workshop full of tools, and an easy job to go to. I feel okay. There's tragedy happening in my life right now; I lost my uncle very recently due to leukemia and pneumonia coupling together, and my soul aches for that, but life will go on, I know that. I'm looking forward and I'm seeing light beyond the shadowy places. I don't feel like I am in a losing fight. I don't feel like I am doomed anymore. I'm talking to a woman who thinks I am smart, funny, attractive, and enjoys my company. My kids love me. I am financially stabilizing. I have the love and support of my extended family. I have the respect of my friends and community.
I'm going to be okay.
