SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I experienced infidelity almost 3 years ago. I really walked through the storm and I did all sorts of healing I could think of- counseling, self-help books, Ho'oponopono courses, I even set up a facebook group to help women heal from their relationships. My husband and I got divorced and he instantly married the affair partner (which was about 8 months ago).

Literally a week after he got married, a dad in my children's school started messaging me on whatsapp. His wife passed away 3 years before and he has twins that he is raising on his own. Within about 6 weeks we went out on a first date and it was truly the best relationship I have ever been in. He said after a few weeks that he loved me and couldn't imagine a day without me. Lots of dates, times together, tons of messages, literally heaven. Yesterday, totally out of the blue, he called me and said that he started having thoughts about his wife that passed away and he now thinks he cannot move on from it. He is overwhelmed with grief and sadness and he thinks it is the end of the road for us. Seven months of I love you and I can't live without you, and it comes to this within a day. I feel like I was hit by a train. I felt so good after getting over my lying ex-husband, I felt on top of the world, like I conquered a deamon. I didn't feel like I needed anyone in my life. I wasn't on dating sites, I wasn't looking for a relationship. It just happened. And I am completely devastated now. Feeling like I am back to square one. WHAT HAPPENED? I don't understand why I would go through so much pain and agony, conquer all of it, and end up in the same exact place.

I have to add that I do believe that he is feeling that way, I don't think it is an act. He is very honest and it is not a game for him. He said he had to tell me about his feelings. And I agree, but one thing is to express your feelings and another thing is to say it's the end of the road. So devastated. Don't even know how to start picking myself up again.

It sounds to me like he's going through something and needs some space. If I were you, I would let him know that you understand and will give him the space he needs to heal and maybe suggest he gets some professional help. Let him know you're available to talk but that you will not contact him. I'm sure you'll hear from him again. If not, you'll know he wasn't right for you.

Hang in there... {{{{HealingWithin}}}}

Oh, I am so sorry to hear this. I know it is devastating for you.

((((HealingWithin)))))

This is a terrible blow and no doubt brings back all kinds of triggers for you, given what you have already been through. In terms of BF, three years is a fair amount of time to process grief but I also know that grief is not linear, it's more like a jackrabbit that darts back and forth in time. We think we are over something but then it sandbags us all over again. My point is he feels that grief now, but it's not forever. And missing a spouse who has passed is quite different from missing a spouse who is still living but no longer around.

It does seem like things really progressed pretty fast with you both, so perhaps think about this more as a pause button that you both needed, not so much the end of the road. You may have thought this guy was the "why" of all that bad that happened to you, so you could meet him and carve out a new future. Turns out that narrative may have a different twist. Maybe an even better one.

You are not really back at square one because you are a different person as a result of this relationship -- you loved, you trusted. You can do these things again -- and will.

I experienced something similar after the divorce from xWH. I started seeing someone and we really hit it off, but then he admitted that he needed to try to fix things with his soon-to-be ex-wife. I was sad but appreciated his honesty and willingness to fix his marriage unlike xWH. We stayed friends. His marriage didn't work out, but I had started seeing someone else.

The difference this time vs. last time is that your partner didn't cheat or try to deceive you. Your current SO is being honest in his feelings and I find that to be very respectable. I agree that allowing him to grieve his wife is best. Don't be in a rush to move on to someone new, this might be a good time for you to find yourself and allow yourself to heal from your divorce. In my opinion, 8 months isn't a very long time to process it.

I am curious if it's the anniversary date of her death coming up or something.

At any rate, I'm so very sorry.

"WHAT HAPPENED? I don't understand why I would go through so much pain and agony, conquer all of it, and end up in the same exact place."

I'm going to tell you what helped me, and it was all about the mental shift.

You conquered infidelity by living your best life, by not letting your ex steal your future and being brave enough to embark on a new relationship.

We can't control outcomes, we can only control our actions.

You aren't in the exact same place (in a place of hurt, yes, but not in a place of infidelity). I agree with another poster, that this gentleman was honest enough to tell you what's happening and not just ghost you or try to tell you it's your fault.

Perhaps he needs some space and will return. Perhaps you won't want him when he returns. But ultimately, you are free to do what you want and make a decision about your own situation.

THAT, my friend, is a great place to be <3

As others have pointed out, grief is not linear, but often steps backwards and sideways as well as forward.

When I started dating GDM in 2010, he was about 2.5 years out from a long term marriage. The day of his wedding anniversary, he was pretty deep into the "what ifs." I told him it was normal, that he had spent a lot of time with this person and that being in a new relationship probably took him to What If Land. I gave him the space to work through issues on his own, and he did. Within a few days, he was in a much better place.

I would give him the space to work through things, but I would not necessarily wait for him, either. He may *feel* like this is the "end of the road" and it may or may not be.

Bottom line: he was honest and upfront. He gets major points for that. He may or may not work through this. You can't control that. He may or may not decide to come back to the relationship. You can't control that, either.

This is hard, but ALL relationships are hard.

Cat

Thank you everyone for such amazing comments.

I felt so alone and so down and now I feel uplifted by such generous feedback. I will update the thread as things progress.

LoveTKO, I agree there is lots of unprocessed grief. His wife died after a 6 years battle with cancer. So for 6 years they have been in and out of hospitals, hope, no-hope, back to hope again. Really awful. I knew both of them at the time as their children were in the same school as mine. I know that after the wife passed away he didn't do counseling, and immediatelly went back to work. His Mum took over looking after the children (actually she took over long before as the wife was too sick to look after the children) and she was basically like their Mum. One year ago completely suddenly, his Mum died. So within 2 years he lost both women in his life - his wife and his Mum.

I was very good friends with his Mum and I had her and the children over in my house a lot for play dates. I didn't see him much as he was always at work. So only when his Mum passed away we started seeing each other at pick up times. I feel so deeply connected to his family as I have known them for so long. I am so not ready to remove myself, but I agree that I should keep my distance and only offer friendship at this point. Thank you.

Fablegirl, what you said is EXACTLY how I was interpreting the "why" of the infidelity I went through. I really did think that this was the narrative as you pointed out. This is exactly why it feels like such a blow. Thank you for your words. Very uplifting.

Newlife03, I agree, he is honest and I do appreciate it. It is much different to what I experienced from my ex. We were separated for 2 years before he got married so I was healing those whole two years. 8 months is only how long my ex-husband has been married now.

2ManyMigraines, the anniversary date is in August but I have a theory that might have triggered him. It was very insignificant but to him it was probably monumental.

Thank you Catwoman, I really appreciate your comments. I was so shocked by the conversation that I don't think I handled it very well and I haven't spoken to him since yesterday (he hasn't reached out and neither have I). I thought I better give him some space and if he doesn't reach out until the end of the week, I will do.

Thank you Chrysalis123 and Twicefooled for your generous comments.

Speak to you all soon, xxx

I went through something similar in my first relationship after divorce. It was great, and then out of the blue he dumped me and said he wasn't done dealing emotionally with his ex. That we had no intimacy (which REALLY hurt because it felt very intimate to me). It's been over six years and I am still completely baffled and it still stings a little. The worst part is this feeling that your XH has stomped you to the ground, and just as you are starting to get up, this other person pretends to lend a hand up then stomps you again. In some ways, it hurts worse than what the XH did. All this to say, I'm really sorry you are going through this and your experience is much acknowledged as very painful. It does get better.

Did I read correctly, your marriage only ended 8 months ago? New guys was already saying the, "I love you's" less than 6 months after you started dating?

Look, he was temporary. The first clue should have been how unhealthily he jumped so fast into those, "I love you's." That's not normal or healthy.

You say you've done the work to heal, but how much healing can you possibly do in 8 months. And according to the timeline you gave, you weren't even divorced but 2 months before jumping into a fast paced romance.

Please take the time you need to heal this time around. You've now suffered 2 traumas. The death of a marriage and a break up. Be gentle with yourself, of course you are devastated because you are back to square one. You never finished grieving properly for the ending of the first relationship. Now you've compounded the grief. This is why you need to slow down, breathe, heal. There are no shortcuts to the grieving process. You side tracked it for 8 months. This is when you do some really kind self love. Take care of you. Love YOU the way you've been giving that love to others. Invest in you. It's ok to be selfish for a year or so.

I'm so sorry you're hurting. I hope time of self love helps soon.

StillLivin, no you didn't read it correctly. My DDay was in 2017 and upon me finding out about the affair, my husband walked out immediately to be with the other woman. There was no attempt at reconciliation (I wanted to do it but he didn't as he said he was with "the love of his life"). We started divorce proceedings within 6 months and he got re-married after 2 years of us being apart. He has now been married for 8 months, but we have been apart (living apart) for 3 years. I don't really think that 2 years of healing is too short of a time. I think was just right for me. I understand that some people need to take 5 or even 10 years to heal, but I think that 2 years of going inwards and moving on for me was just the right amount of time. Hope this clarifies the situation.

HW, I think your post illustrates it's not necessarily the time, but what you do with it.

Your SO had lost his wife 3 years ago. He had lost his mother a year ago. It doesn't sound like he has really dealt with much of this at all, and he needs to. My SO did something totally out of character for him when he separated from his wife of more than 25 years (no infidelity). He took (I think it was probably on the recommendation of someone) a course at a local hospital for "men in transition." It talked a lot about some of the things men do to "bury" their issues and not deal with them (things like burying themselves in work, turning to drugs or alcohol).

This was all before I knew him, but when we first met, he had the list of "don'ts" on his refrigerator. This course also recommended not to date for a year, which he heeded.

Bottom line: if he does contact you, I would encourage him to contact his PCP or a trusted resource for a referral to someone (perhaps a grief counselor) who can help him with this.

Personally, I wouldn't reach out right now. After all, how can he really miss you if you don't go away? This isn't playing a game--he's told you he doesn't think this will work, so don't keep hanging around showing him that you're willing to audition for Plan B, Plan C, Plan D . . . . You're worth more than that.

Cat

Feeling like I am back to square one.

Not really. This time you are in a relationship with someone that was honest and healthy enough to come to you and say "I just can't do this....I am dealing with stuff".

This man didn't lie and cheat...and walk away on you. While the heartbreak is still painful; it sounds like you were in a healthy, happy relationship this time.

So yes, you are to the NB of the next chapter of your life but look at all you went through. Look at all you dealt with, moved on from and grew from. You are definitely going to be heartbroken but you have the tools to deal with it now.

I am in a relationship with a guy who buried his SO just nine months before we met. He had a lot to deal with also and it is a process. My R before him also ended in the death of my boyfriend. It has been five years and emotions will still mess with me.

My advice would be to give your guy the same honesty and support back. Let him know you were (are) very interested in a future with him. That grieve has no timetable and he needs to take time to deal with whatever he is going through so he can thrive in a healthy NB. Let him know you are there for him if he needs a shoulder/ear. Encourage him to search help if he needs it. Then you step back and live your day-to-day.

I am so sorry HW. Break-ups just plain suck. Be kind to yourself and your healing. Hugs

I am so sorry you are going through this. You deserve to feel happy and be with someone who truly helps you be your best. I'm glad he was honest with you, but I know how painful that must feel. Try to take some time to do things you enjoy each day and perhaps that will brighten your mood. We are here for you!

I am SO sorry. But I agree with EvenKeel

This time you are in a relationship with someone that was honest and healthy enough to come to you and say "I just can't do this....I am dealing with stuff".

This man didn't lie and cheat...and walk away on you. While the heartbreak is still painful; it sounds like you were in a healthy, happy relationship this time.

He was honest - and that means something. Give him some space but let him know you are available if he wants to talk.

Stay strong - i do not think the last chapter has been written on this relationship just yet.

💖💖