SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

D happened December 2018.

XWW and I have been very basic communicado save for just kids.

I have been ok with her coming over to my (marital) house and hang with DS1 and DS2, just so long as I am not there.

I know this may not be ideal. Whatever. I am trying to find some sort of "normalcy" this close out after D.

In our divorce agreement, she would take DS15 go to her place every other week for one night. When lock down began, that pretty much went away.

A few days ago, she let me know that she wanted DS15 to be with her for a week. Whatever. That's fine. I can be agreeable just so that she could have time with her kids.

So today, while I was at work, she came and got DS15 for a week.

I noticed there was a new trash can in our house.

I asked DS15 what that was about and he told me XWW bought it.

okay......

....And scene.

Thoughts? I am ready for the lambasting.

Thoughts? Keep it if you like it. If you don't put it out with the trash and buy another.

Either way, I would send an email and/or text to XWW and just say, "Please do not replace my furniture or housewares. If I need to buy something for my house, I will do it myself."

Hi squid! Glad to hear you are doing well.

My thoughts... don't have any. like a previous poster said. If you like it keep it. If not then get rid of it. I would only say something to XWW if she bought that one because she took another one that you did like better. Could be a good time to remind her that she's a guest in YOUR house. Otherwise crickets. She's probably just trying to get your attention even though that wasn't what she was doing during the marriage.

What??? That is so very weird. I'm completely confused as to why she would do that!

Understand you completely.

I moved out of marital home as I wanted to leave WH.

WH was very helpful with buying essentials for my new place. WH has a large SUV so offered to take me to a homewares warehouse. But he got so involved in choosing everything especially the trash can.

He insisted I get a good one with hands free opening lid. The most expensive one too. I settled for the smallest version as I live alone and have very little waste.

The damn auto open lid thing stopped working, so I still have to open it manually.

Why do they get involved in petty things like that. I put trash in it. It doesn’t need to be the gold plated standard.

I am a minimalist and hate waste, so I am stuck with HIS trash can until it completely falls apart.

I don't know. It's just odd.

The one we had before had an automatic lid that stopped working correctly after a few weeks.

I can't tell if she's trying to extend some kind of olive branch or something. I was doing ok, relatively speaking, just trying to do my own thing. Now this is taking up head space.

I can't tell if she's trying to extend some kind of olive branch or something. I was doing ok, relatively speaking, just trying to do my own thing. Now this is taking up head space.

I don't know if it's an olive branch so much as sneaking into your garden and planting an olive tree without your permission...

It's one thing if she noticed you needed a new garbage pail and purchased one for you WITHOUT getting rid of the one you currently have. But disposing of it and replacing it with one she chose while you weren't home is... too much. If anyone else did that to me -- my mom, my aunt, my brother, my best friend of 20+ years, one of my kids -- I would be mildly annoyed they threw something out that was mine without asking. Even if it a trash can.

Creepy.

I think I’d put a stop to her coming into your home at all, as she’s trying to step on boundaries, in my opinion. Next she’ll be putting groceries in the fridge, cooking dinner, and expect to stay over bc she’s such a great person.

Also, when my sons stayed extra time with their Dad one on one, he started trying to brain wash them to stay with him and cause arguments between the 2 boys. He also told everyone that I basically didn’t want the kids and begged him to take them for extra weeks. Also, the kids later told me they appreciated when their Dad asked for extra time and I said no—because OW was difficult to be around.

Are you sure she hasn’t hidden a VAR in your house?

Creepy.

I would rip that thing apart and check it for a recording device.

Send her a message that she forgot her trash can when she came by and that it’ll be on the front porch for her when she drops DS off.

Just that. Nothing else.

Did the former trash can disappear or is it still there?

I can't tell if she's trying to extend some kind of olive branch or something.

The is why NC is recommended. The mind movies insidiously creep back in and take up head space as you discovered.

Also, it doesn't matter what her motivation was- you are done with her and btw, this was a weird and inappropriate thing for her to do.

If it were me, I'd not mention this to her because it would be feeding the beast.

I would change my protocols. For instance WS is not allowed inside my home.

Do you go in her home?

The old trash can is in the garage.

No, I have not been to her place.

I checked it for some kind of monitoring device after I started this post...

GET THIS: It's not even a new one. I think it's her old trash can. It's cracked in certain places and clear signs of wear and tear. Wow.

It's now in the garage with old one which is pretty jacked up. I guess I'm going trash can shopping today.

This is just weird.

My kids are under strict orders tha STBXWW is not to physically set foot in my home. I have purged my life and do not want any new echos of her in my safe space. I also will not go beyond her front porch when picking them up. I want as little to do with her as possible, and she is well aware of this.

Keep your lives separate. Allow no bleed over and you won't have to post about silly incursions like the trash bin.it is for your sanity.

So she dropped off a USED trash can at your place?

If this happens again, I would definitely send her a message indicating that this is not acceptable and if she has replaced something and thinks you might appreciate the original, she can ASK.

Cat

I've chosen to just go crickets thus far, as I have been NC for the most part. With school starting up soon we've been corresponding but only about the kids.

I can't tell if she's trying to extend some kind of olive branch or something.

I vote "or something".

But if it were an olive branch... what a fuckin weird thing to offer for that! "Let us make peace. Here is a used waste receptacle." Dafuq?

Trash the trash and go buy a new one I say.

Just don't let her in your home when you're not there anymore. Also, leave it outside with a note saying she forgot it at your house by mistake. You're not breaking NC, and you give it back. Pretty clear message. Hope you find a nice trash can. I had to go shopping for one because the one I had before finally broke. Had a hard time finding a decent one that didnt cost an arm and a leg.

Sounds like a twisted-control-boundary thing. Meaning this is YOUR place now. She doesn't get a say in IF you need a new garbage can or what type when you do decide to get one.

Now if you complain....you will get the "I was just trying to be nice.....". They twist it to make it seem like you are the one being weird.

Oh the games.

I started out letting my ex come to my house. It was a life lesson for me. It is important for you to have a safe zone. They don't need to be there seeing what you are (or aren't doing) to the house.

My ex actually messaged me one day before he came over and said he noticed I was out of frozen pizzas and I needed to get some so he would have something to make when he came to see his kids.

Ending his access was the best thing for all.

How long do you have until your kids age out?

I started getting rid of the things I 'inherited' from the relationship. The bed, the nightstands, etc, etc. I started making my own furniture. When I made my own bed, she had comments on how she'd never want to sleep in something like that, and I said, good, I didn't want her to either. When I replaced the nightstands that she had picked out, she commented that they didn't match the rest of the aesthetic. Good, I was changing the aesthetic.

She mentioned that she was taking the kitchen table with her if she left rather than me, and would send me the kink to where she got it so I could replace it. No need, I said, I'd build my own. Same with the daybed in the living room and the high bed she got one of our daughters. S'all good, I have plans to replace it all anyways, and if she didn't take it, it would be given away/discarded.

She got the point and started keeping her opinions on my belongings to herself. Once she is gone (if she moves out) then this house is getting a makeover, and my kids all agree that, and I quote, my "vibes aren't rancid" and my "aesthetic is super chill." All of them roll their eyes at their mother's 'Winemom/Coffeemom' motif. My eldest calls her basic af all the time, lol.

Can't wait to redecorate this whole place, or if I move out, my new place. It'll be entirely my design, nobody else's. That's gonna be SO lit...

Point being, they outsourced any say they had in your life, your belongings, your style, and your choices. Maybe they should go and sink their meddling little claws into their AP and leave you the f*** alone.