SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

2020 was quite the year. Pandemic, lock-downs, working from home, still trying to understand what the deal was with toilet paper, face masks, and baking bread.

Mrs. Clean and I went for a drive to a few country markets today and splurged on some nice treats and artisanal meats and cheese for Christmas Eve. It will be a smaller gathering with just our immediate family.

Reflecting back it was a difficult year in some respects. I discovered I had massive pandemic anxiety - spending days freaking out and not doing well in general. I also discovered what it means to be together, like all the time. I was comfortable with that and enjoyed our moments doing small things.

To the point of my post though. I realized what a difference it is being honest and open these past few months. With nothing to hide there was no stress. I spent some nights on the couch due to my anxiety. I was able to let Mrs. Clean know why. I never could have done that before.

Today while driving I handed Mrs. Clean my phone to check a few messages that came in. I just handed her my phone. No worries of what she may see.

So I came to appreciate the growth I have made over these past 5 years.

I also finally started to treat my youngest (he is now 21) as an adult. That was so hard to do for some reason. I've watched him trip and fall a bit, but he gets up pretty fast on his own much to my surprise.

Thanks Covid for these positives.

So, end of year and how about one or two personal growth stories to share with us.....

MCS

This struck a chord with me

So I came to appreciate the growth I have made over these past 5 years

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I recently had my membership upgraded which allowed me to peruse all my old threads. From when I first got here thinking my AP who was “the one who got away” till now see who and what she really is.

Developing empathy is also a recently acquired skill. I listen and actually hear what folks are saying (particularly my wife). I do things for my wife simply to make her life a little easier. Stuff that I never would have considered doing before.

My wife and I have grown so much closer, despite being on top of one another due to covid. I really enjoy her company whereas before I would try and block her out.

It’s nice to feel like I’m finally getting my feet under me again.

I had a set back when covid first hit.

Then, H and I bought a kayak and started hiking and kayaking together every weekend.

We have grown way closer because of covid. We do everything together. At first it was because we were stuck together, but now it seems like we've learned how to really BE together. If that makes sense.

I wish I could say I've had more personal growth, but am super excited about the growth in my M.

I am still working on ME, and have certain "homework" that I've been doing, but I have a long way to go. Still, forward progress is in the right direction. I'll take it!

No stop sign - so I would like to share.

We are 7 years into R and even though it is going extremely well I still feel uncomfortable letting him go to social gatherings alone - not just because of the pandemic.

Last Friday was his company's Christmas party. I had planned to go but had a very stressful day at work (I work in a large medical clinic so most days are stressful) and the thought of getting dressed up and going back out just wasn't inviting - all I wanted to do was take a hot shower and watch Netflix. I told him to go and enjoy himself - and I meant it. I realized I was comfortable with him going alone - I trusted him and I realized just how far I have come in starting to trust him again.

Working in the medical field this past year has been extremely stressful - no one really knowing what each day was going to bring - trying to adapt to an ever changing situation. He was my rock - the days I would come home and just vent - he would just listen - no trying to give advice or tell me wha to do - he just listened. I told him from the beginning of the pandemic if he wanted to stay with our son I would understand. He told me he wanted to be with me - we were in this together and there was no way he was going to let me do this alone.

So if there is a silver lining to this Covid crapfest - it has bought us closer together - we have grown as individuals and as a couple - we are a team again.

H and I bought a kayak and started hiking and kayaking together every weekend.

You meant kayak's (plural) right? Cause no relationship can survive a tandem kayak.

Seriously, it was/is a tandem kayak.

Sure, there was that one time he hit me in the back of the head with his paddle.

He swears it was an accident!

Thank you for posting. It forced me to take a minute and look at the positives from this year, and not just all the crap.

Reflecting back it was a difficult year in some respects. I discovered I had massive pandemic anxiety - spending days freaking out and not doing well in general. I also discovered what it means to be together, like all the time. I was comfortable with that and enjoyed our moments doing small things.

I also had the anxiety. Anxiety of running out of basic supplies, anxiety around catching it and dying, my son catching it, etc. I couldn’t leave the house for months. It doesn’t help that when all the lockdowns hit in my state, my WH was out of state so I was managing on my own. I still have anxiety, but not nearly as bad as before.

I was not as comfortable with the being together all the time. I’m used to having the house to myself during the workday. Now I (mostly) think it’s great, and have appreciated having my WH home to help with homeschooling and such.

As far as personal growth, I realized this morning that I no longer obsessively check emails, phone records and such to see what he may be up to. I do check here and there on the easy to access things like Facebook messenger and life 360, but I don’t go out of my way to check. It’s not necessarily because I have a ton of trust in him, but because I trust myself more. He has been transparent with everything though, all electronics, which is good.

Also, I now fully and truly believe the affairs were not my fault. That there is nothing I could have or should have done to prevent them. It was all about him. I still struggle with this here and there, but at my very core I know this is true.

Also I realized how strong I am. I know if my marriage crumbles, I will be just fine. I’ll have to make changes I don’t want to make, but me and my son will be fine.

My WH have been closer in many ways, though honestly homeschool threatens to drive a wedge between all of us. My WH and I have very different views here. That has been a struggle.

I still struggle with whether or not I actually know everything and have trouble making peace with the idea that I may never know if I know everything.

I still worry about running out of toilet paper and getting Covid.

So I still have a ways to go, but feel like I’m moving in the right direction.