SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have put my BH in hell and want to help him find a way out. He is triggered today and it is painful to see how much devastation my choices have caused. I spent years being defensive while he was expressing his pain. Today I try to be supportive, thoughtful and present in his pain. I answer his questions honestly, I apologize for my choices, give him space when he asks for it, but none of my actions can undo the destruction I have caused. I feel powerless to help him which disgusts me because it was my power that threw him on this rollercoaster against his will. He didn't sleep much last night and spent another night listening to me snoring while he sat in pain. He doesn't have any family or really close friends he can talk with. His only outlet is me and I'm responsible for how he feels. He reads this forum daily and I know he will read this post. Any support and guidance would be much appreciated.

If your BH is employed ask him to check if his insurance offers any IC sessions. My insurance offers 3 sessions at no cost.

Thanks for the reply. He stays home with our son. I just started a new job and insurance just kicked in. I will definitely explore counseling options for him. But I should add that counseling has a loaded history for my BH. His mother had him medicated as a child and wrongfully diagnosed with manic depression. She used therapy to satisfy her own ego. When he uncovered my infidelity we went to counseling and I lied and manipulated him. We saw several counselors over the years and my actions have destroyed his belief in counseling.

[This message edited by disgustedbyme at 10:49 PM, June 5th (Saturday)]

I can certainly understand your BH's reluctance with counseling, given the history.

And

Maybe it's time that he can find HIS counselor that meets HIS needs w/o the input of anyone else (including you). One bonus might be that he can overcome that fear. I HIGHLY recommend someone who has been licensed w/in the last 10 years and that specializes in TRAUMA. IME, the basis for the trauma(s) is not as important as working through it.

I also highly recommend reading The Body Keeps the Score by Bassel Van der Kolk. It enlightened me not only WRT my WH's As, but WRT my own FOO as well. That knowledge, combined with Rick Hansen's Resilient and his HEAL steps (which is really about incorporating all the joy we find in our day-to-day lives, even the most basic & simple things) really helped me learn to better manage the trauma response.

Doesn't mean I don't still have trauma response/triggers - I do, and suspect I will continue to have them for the rest of my life. It does - or did for me - mean that when they come up, I am much better equipped to handle it. I guess I'd say it's like having Advil for chronic arthritis in my knee. My knee will continue to give me pain, but there are things that can help relieve and manage it so I can still live my life.

Thanks gmc. We do have the Body Keeps the Score. I'll definitely look at picking up Resilient. I appreciate your insight on picking out a therapist too.

disgusted by me,

You’ve been a member since 2017, what has changed since you first joined? Are you owning this now, after 4 years on this site?

If so, it’s good to see the progress. Remember after 4 years the pain can be very fresh and a trigger or other lies takes your BH back to Dday

Good luck

I have not made the last 4 years easier. In 2018 I got a DUI. Any trust that started to be rebuilt was shattered. And one year ago I lied about work. I haven't been unfaithful, but my lies kept coming. It's only been a year since I lied to my husband again which sent him back exponentially. I am doing the work to be an honest and safe spouse. His triggers are 100% related to the years of abuse he has endured by me.

I highly recommend (for both of you, together??) listening to the “Helping Couples Heal” Podcasts. The therapists’ and their guests’ understanding and explanation of Betrayal Trauma is tremendously helpful and is also useful in evaluating the type of counselors to work with (ie, ones that know about this recent “Betrayal Trauma” research versus the incorrect “Co-dependency model”).

Start at the beginning and listen to all the relevant episodes including interviews with other therapists, etc. It is tremendous validating (in a non-hippy way) to learn that we are reacting completely normally to devastating information, not weak-minded losers who can’t just suck it up and get over it.

Warning: The therapists assume the betrayed is always the woman and the betrayer is always the man, rather than using the neutral SI language of Wayward and Betrayed. Those of us who have been betrayed by females just have to make frequent pronoun switches in our heads as we listen.

Also, the Therapists tend to assume (or at least speak as if) ALL Waywards are sex addicts though they are often just people with low morals who occasionally make really stupid decisions.

Thank you papercoversrock for the podcast suggestion. My BH and I discussed it last night and we plan on listening to them together.