SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am a mess lately, and I feel like I'm getting worse. Tuesday is technically my wedding anniversary, and I can't even do the math to figure out what number (1997 for anyone who cares). My therapist called in sick today, so I guess I'm posting here.

I'm finally moving solidly forward with the separation agreement. WH's been dragging his feet, keeps whining about me giving up, keeps saying we've got more left together, does all the surface stuff of life (love bombing?) but still hasn't gone deeper. Only does stuff for me that he thinks I need, doesn't really listen to what I've told him I need. He's actually been doing the paperwork for refinancing the house. He's whined about isn't there any way we can stay together. He's keeping the house and I need money from it to get me a place to live. Yesterday he turned from whiny to mad. I helped him get documentation he needs for refinancing. Yesterday morning, he texted me literally begging me to stay with him. He gets mad if I don't answer his texts right away, especially the love bombing ones. Then he'll take it out on me by taking away the love bombing.

Two days ago we were sitting on the couch and I had gotten some texts from him hours after he sent them and he told me it puts him in a bad mood when I don't answer him right away. I've told him plenty of times that for many reasons I don't sit by my phone and pounce on every text and immediately reply. That's absurd.

He's submitted all his paperwork for the refinance and we are definitely on the path of separation, so why do I feel like shit? Why can't I stop feeling bad that he's mad and lashing out at me? This is why I never rocked the boat and pushed for anything before now. He just pouts when he doesn't get his way. I'm not a strong willed person with big ideas of my own so I didn't have a problem going along with him. Until now. And now I have no practice and my body is just over it and wants to give up. My instinct is to comfort him, then I will feel better. But I guess that's only short term and I've come this far, but its so hard to keep going.

Why is it getting harder and not better?

Only a couple more weeks, then we tell the kids. Hopefully I'll be able to look for a place to live by then. Will it get better then?

Right after I finished posting, I fall for it again. He texted and asked if I wanted lunch. I stupidly thought he wanted to go out with me for lunch and since my therapist cancelled, I had a hole in my day so I said yes.

And of course, he was just picking it up to eat at home. Had nothing to do with me. So I told him to ask the kids what they wanted, might as well include them, too at this point. He only wanted to include me so that I would pay for it. I know better.

Stupid me.

You know how sometimes when you have to clean out a closet or a cabinet and you have to pull everything out of it and spread it all around in order to re-organize it? And it looks like a total disaster for a bit while you're working on re-organizing? Separating things out is messy and hard, but eventually you have reached a point where you've cleared out the old and re-organized and put everything back and then it's done and clean and happy again. Yeah, it's like that.

Just my 0.02, but I think you will start to feel way better once you have moved and started creating your own space too. I know I felt loads better once my cheating xh was away from me and I could breathe free air without him tainting it.

I am so sorry. We really just want to be loved and respected by them. I want to have mattered more to my WS and it is very hard. I hope you can stop being around him soon. It is hard to stop the cycle of wanting them to care and then being devastated when they don't do what we need.

Hang in there, happy for you that you are in the home stretch. I am sorry your anniversary is coming up and causing you pain.

It does get harder before it gets better - that's totally normal. Ellie's analogy is perfect.

When we are in transition there's a period in which we must walk through a sort of tunnel - we aren't in the old world and we aren't yet in the new one. It's lonely and scary and takes longer than we expected. Add to that, a WH yelling behind us to come back, they love us, it's warm and safe back here. It makes the journey that much more frightening. Then there's the fact that we didn't elect to make this transition - they forced us to. It's a lot, but it's doable.

And waywards will do that - they will tug and tug at our heartstrings, all flowery words and little action. Lots of entitlement and guilting too - not easy to handle when we're in a weakened state as we are post-infidelity. I try to think of my XWH as a toddler - they will sob so earnestly for another cupcake or to wear their shoes to bed or whatever other toddler whim they have - that's what toddlers do. It doesn't mean anything. We don't need to take it seriously or consider a change in our actions over it. Tune him out as much as you can. You're the grown up. You know what's best.

Thank you so much for all your kind words. By the end of the day, I did feel better.

WH also apologized to me for taking his anger out on me and we actually had a civil and productive conversation about the separation.

Onward.