SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Anyone gone through divorce in CA? As I work with my lawyer I get more and more frustrated with the 'community property' laws and with CA being a 'no fault' state!

My WXH committed adultery with a married woman on an interactive pornographic website. He abandoned our marriage contract / vows, and recently moved in with her (out of state). On top of that, as most of you know, I've discovered all the lies! I learned that he lied about how much he saved in his 401k! So, in CA while I'm eligible to half of his, he's eligible to half of mine. And he's made it very clear that he wants half and 'deserves' half.

I'll fight like hell to to keep a lions share of my retirement (it's money I saved for me!), but community property makes me feel like I have to reward him for his infidelity. Has anyone else felt this way?

Frustrated ...

[This message edited by Venus1 at 5:51 AM, Wednesday, August 25th]

I certainly understand the frustration and I'm not in CA, but close enough.

My ex conveniently forgot all the money we had set aside was so I could retire early. Then was able to demand indefinite support by dragging the divorce out so we could meet the magic marriage length which would have allowed her to not only get half of my retirement at the time of the divorce, but also if she oh lets say withdrew her part of the retirement early and blew it on her typical BS would then be entitled to a portion of what I had set aside since she wouldn't have anything to support herself with. To avoid all this she got a seven figure cash payout, which allowed me to keep all my post divorce income and if I survive working an extra 15 years I will be able to retire in peace. She even tried to claim she was disabled and could not work to increase both her spousal and child support. She was also pissed when I made her give me half of her retirement account. Her actual words "I worked for that why should you get half?"

So yes, there were a few times I thought I was going to die from a stroke during the divorce process. Now, I'm just happy I don't have to deal with her constant crap and if I'm lucky someday I may get to retire, but until then I'm enjoying my life.

Venus unfortunately the same rules are like that across the US.

The courts don’t care that cheating occurred. They don’t want the D cases logging up the court calendars.

Do the no-fault laws penalize the betrayed? Absolutely. But you need to figure out what you could possibly do to settle and get him to go away and see if you cannot keep your retirement intact.

I hope it works out for you.

My mom was married three times. Her last husband was a total ass and during their divorce he was very quick to put his hand out and demand 'what he was entitled to'. She was the major breadwinner their whole relationship and bought the house and the cars and etc. She handed over half the sale proceeds from the house (which was almost a break-even so it wasn't much thank goodness). I asked her if that pissed her off, cus it certainly did me. She looked at me and said simply "what price freedom?" Meaning that she would've paid whatever it took to get free of him at that point.

I know it is SO unfair, but... what price freedom, Venus? You can always make more money. You can buy new cars. You can find a new house that's all yours. The objective in D is to get it done as quickly as possible and get clear of them. And just know that even if he gets 'what he deserves' money-wise, it still won't make him happy. He won't ever be happy. But YOU will.

I know it rankles, but keep your eyes on the prize - a life free of his bullshit. And that, my dear lady, is priceless.

The grasshopper and the ant fable comes to mind. WS are much more likely to have the grasshopper persona, living for the moment, where the BS tends towards the ant working towards the long haul. This means that the BS really ends up with the short end of the stick for the 50/50 split. Luckily we D'd in year 9 since 10 years is the time frame that retirement accounts come in to play in my state. I also had more disposable income after the divorce, since she was spending more than she brought in.
I ended up writing her a check for $10k that she probably didn't deserve. It just wasn't worth the hassle and legal fees to fight for it. Like EllieKMAS's mother said, it a small price to pay to get free.

[This message edited by grubs at 8:37 PM, Wednesday, August 25th]

My friend paid her lowlife Narc serial cheating H a very sizable sum of $ to go away. It was his down payment on a house.

She said it came down to her sanity or her losing her mind at his unwillingness to be fair. She just threw $ at him to make him go away.

Think of it this way - you can negotiate to keep his hands out of your retirement $ by giving him something today — more equity in the house or more $ now.

Attorneys can get this settled — it may not be fair but it will be over!!! And isn’t that where you want to be - out of this relationship and marriage and far far away from the STBX? You will get there. Have faith.

I learned that he lied about how much he saved in his 401k! So, in CA while I'm eligible to half of his, he's eligible to half of mine. And he's made it very clear that he wants half and 'deserves' half.

Is there any way to prove in court that he lied to you about how much he was saving? And is it worth going after the misspent marital money? I hear that forensic accountants will put you back about 5-7k, but I don't know how much is at stake so that might be more than what its worth It so unfair that cheaters can get away with this kind of shit.

These guys are right though... what price freedom? When you consider that the little sawed-off son-of-a-bitch has no qualms about cheating on you and then raiding your retirement account like a common thief; and that, after LYING about what he was saving in his???... you're so much better off getting rid of him. Call it your "fixed my picker" tax, right? And make sure that everyone you know hears about what a shithead he turned out to be too. I mean, it would be one thing if he'd showed even the slightest modicum of class, but that's clearly not how he rolls. The beauty of divorce is that you are no longer at ANY obligation to protect that clown.