SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

After nearly 3 years of separation and absolutely no effort on WH to repair broken relationships (with me, with our DD, with his grandparents), I had healed enough to be take the step to file for divorce. I spent most of 2020 going through the questionnaire required for the Catholic Archdiocese to consider my marriage for a religious annulment. It was a very difficult process because I had to be completely honest to myself about how things were before, during, and after our marriage. It was emotionally devastating at times. I completed the application in Nov of 2020 and submitted it to start the process, only to have it rejected because, well, I don't have a legal divorce decree. Yeah, duh. I know. But to me, the religious part was more important than the legal part. Ok, so I got myself focused and began discussing divorce points with him over email, the house equity division, the credit card debt, the 401K account, long term custody of our dd, etc. I wanted to get it over with by March 2021 to mark what would have been our 11th wedding anniversary but his grandmother passed away and then his dad (my fil) also passed away in Feb and Mar respectively. It was not the easy time consoling the grandfather, whom I visit almost every day. So after months of trying to get back on track and in control of my life enough to give it its due diligence, I filed for divorced on August 2021. He filed his response within the required 30 days so we must go through it together, rather than have it uncontested, which would have been easier. Fine. We'll do it the long way, I said to myself. Now, he wants to have it in writing that he has the right for every other weekend visitation with our dd, but only in case he wants to see her or if he has time. Like a having a flashlight on a drawer just in case you need it for whenever. This pisses me off. I've calculated the time he's spent with our dd the last 3 years and it's been about 0.1% per year. 99.9% she's been under my care and he's bothered to visit her 0.1% of the time. So yeah, I don't have any time to pursue my own wants/needs as a woman because I am with her. Not that I am looking for any, but that's besides the point.
Next, he was late in providing me with his initial financial disclosures, as divorce laws dictates. He shows up to our meeting the other day, with only part of the documents and expects me to make decision on how to divide assets I didn't know about, right there and then. I refused. I said I needed all the info on hand and a few days to review it, and possibly consult a lawyer about what's my right and whats not. He got annoyed with me and said I am stalling the process and wasting time. I know I am not, but he's trying to do what he always done before, do the bare minimum and blame me for not accepting it as good enough. He kept harping me about it several times and I kept repeating that I won't discuss it.
He grudgingly moved on to discuss the custody again and insisted that his right is to have the visitation in writing even if he didn't utilize the time. I got ticked off and told him my thoughts on his "just in case" request. I controlled myself and only utter one curse word since we were in a restaurant after all. Then he said that I need to stop being so emotional about this process and I took it like he threw a bucket of water on me.

How can this NOT be emotional? FFS!!! I'm not a robot and I am dealing with heavy stuff here. GRRRRRR He got under my skin with his digs, I know. And I was shocked enough to start questioning myself and I got really down after about how I could handle this. But I've been working on things long enough to know that I am not being irrational. This shit is wrapped in emotional stuff like barb wire on the trenches.

And now I am here asking for advice about my reactions. Am I in the wrong about making this process emotion?
If he wants a non-emotional person on the other end, then we should not meet in person one-on-one because he brings out the worst in me and his dismissive way is devastating to me after our meetings. I get full of self doubt and even my health takes a dip. Every time.

I have contacted the lawyer I consulted with before, she's not in charge of my case because I can't afford it, but I do get advice on a consultation per hour.

Anyway, I am trying to keep it together and not show my anger/frustration/sadness/overwhelming/loss emotions to my daughter.

Thank you for reading.

Don’t meet with him in person ever again.

Keep the D discussions to email.

Only talk to him IF and WHEN it concerns your child.

And don’t answer any emails unless 12 hours have passed and you are calm & rational.

Do you have child support already in the works? If so then stick to that for now. He pad X amount every month or whatever you agreed to.

Just don’t be his punching bag and know you will not play HIS game any longer. Remove yourself from his web.

Unless it’s about child or finances you do not need to talk to him.

There are apps that can help you with calendars and schedules.

Oh, it is VERY emotional. What you need to remember is that he's feeding on your emotions. Any time he can goad you into any emotion, he knows he can play you like a game.

Don't play his game. Any time he can try to poke the bear, he will. You don't respond, it's no fun.

The lesson I learned from my H’s affair is that I was letting him call the shots. Until dday2 when I snapped, came to my senses and had enough.

I regained all the control in my marriage and my life.

He realized he had no say in anything any longer.

This was evident when I told him he had to leave. He refused. I wasn’t going to agree so I called a friend and told him my H needed a place to stay for a few days. After that he could figure it out for himself.

At that point my H knew he lost all power over me, kids and any future decisions that needed to be made.

I hope this helps you change the dynamics in your relationship with the STBXH