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This goes along with the statistic I've heard that if you're cheated on once, you're most likely to be cheated on again (oof).

My past 2 girlfriends have tried to gaslight me in different scenarios - not cheating related but little things to cover themselves so they can pretend like something didn't happen. My last girlfriend broke up with me, called me 2 days later trying to convince me she didn't break up with me, and that the conversation just didn't go as she wanted. WTF? I was there, we broke up, we did all the break up things - crying, etc, I remember very clearly... She later apologized and did ask to get back together, which I declined mostly because of the gaslighting approach she took.

Anyway, I wonder if there's something about me that invites gaslighting? My memory isn't the clearest always, BUT, when I know something happened, I know it happened, and I of course have a spidysense for gaslighting bullsh*t.

Thoughts on this - has anyone else experienced this?

Oh, and on a positive NB note, I'm really proud of myself for keeping my dignity and not just getting back together with her after that really bizarre experience.

I would not think you were a gaslighting magnet. Part of dating is finding out what sort of person you are dating. IE what are their flaws? Are they things you can deal with or deal breakers, etc.

The gaslighting is a character/integrity flaw on THEM. You being able to recognize it and shut it down is a plus for YOU.

She was testing. Seeing what she could get away with. You shut it down.

Good for you.

Yea, agree with evenkeel. You caught it early and shut that down. Kudos to you. You have learned something from your past, don't be so hard on yourself.

Dating is just that, dating. They showed you early who they are, and you cut that off. That's all you can do. People generally put their best foot forward while in the honeymoon phase and they start showing who they are a couple of years in. If you think there are additional issues regarding your picker, maybe some IC help would be great for you.

I do wonder if I overreacted, but it sure felt like classic gaslighting to me. I believe for her, it was a self preservation response - she did not want to accept the consequences of what she did (broke up with me). Instead of saying she was sorry and can we get back together, she twisted it up in her mind to try and convince me the conversation was different than what actually happened. I don't believe she was testing me, we've talked since and she's genuinely sorry about it. Debating whether to give it another chance or simply move on. It's scary knowing when she was backed into a corner and panicking, she chose to gaslight.

she twisted it up in her mind to try and convince me the conversation was different than what actually happened

Do you want to share what happened as a sounding board?

Meaning, there is a big difference between someone saying that something is bothering them in the relationship and how can we work through it. Versus, there is an issue in the relationship and it just isn't something they are interested in proceeding with.

Sounds like you were clearly given the second speech?

So whether she gave you the second scenario and changed her mind....or maybe her kneejerk reaction is to just end it when things get hard....you have an issue there.

As you hear on here over and over - trust your gut and trust who they show you.

This goes along with the statistic I've heard that if you're cheated on once, you're most likely to be cheated on again (oof).

I have never heard this, but nearly a decade ago, I read a book that talked about something that makes it seem this could be likely for the fact that the pool of available singles diminishes as you get older. Faithful people who marry other faithful people often stay married, so if you find yourself single in your later 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, etc., there's a strong likelihood that a greater proportion of single people will be cheaters than are in the general population.

I also think that a lot of BS who get away from a cheater do not take the appropriate time to mourn what was and do not figure out how to be a whole, happy person by themselves. They therefore approach dating from a point of weakness and of so desperately wanting to be part of a couple again that they dismiss red flags and wind up in a situation with another cheater that's as bad as or even worse than the situation they left. Sometimes they subconsciously gravitate toward people who exhibit cheating-type behaviors because that's what feels comfortable and normal.

I believe that after being cheated on, you are armed with knowledge that can help reduce (but not prevent) the likelihood of ending up with another cheater. It's just that so many of us are too impatient to truly heal and therefore get out there too early, dismiss the red flags, and wind up in the same situation :(

So don't give up hope! There are good, faithful people out there! I bet if you were closer to your separation you would have fallen for her gaslighting attempts. Because you are stronger now, you resisted. Keep it up! That knowledge, trusting your gut, and heeding red flags will help you find a wonderful partner!

Do you want to share what happened as a sounding board?

Okay... Here goes, be gentle, ha! There are a lot of specifics and I have an irrational fear of being being found here by someone I'm talking about so I might delete this later...

6 months into a long distance relationship (ie, we have to get on a plane to see each other), life circumstances say neither of us should move for a long while, but we're happy with our individual lives so we decide to give it a go - what the hell. Disclosure, she cheated on her husband nearly a decade prior, but my spideysense tells me she's "done the work" so to speak (she's literally the first person I've ever met who I would say that about). We both go to IC of our own free will to improve ourselves, and she knows my past as a betrayed spouse and she is sensitive to that.

Things are going pretty well honestly, we tend to have some communications differences that is the biggest issue. It's ironic because we both love to communicate, but we fall flat on our face sometimes together. But we both try! For me it was frustrating but not yet a deal breaker. Her past did bother me, to be honest, which, I don't know anyone on here it wouldn't bother.

She comes to visit me for several days, we honestly have a wonderful time, and then about 4 hours before her flight, we're on the couch cuddling, and she says, "I can't do this anymore". We talk through it for a while and it's very obvious to me this is a breakup conversation. My normal MO is to be all anxious and clingy, but for some reason, be it the distance or just maturity (or going through too many breakups!), I took it with dignity - "ok, you don't want to be with me, byeee". We continued to talk through her issues (mostly with stress of the distance and logistics for kids). She asks me if I have a solution, which I say, um, no... I don't have a solution - we live thousands of miles apart, and neither of us are moving like we already discussed. We make it through another awkward several hours until her plane, talk about a few other things, but it's obvious to me this is her breaking up with me (I even said those words several times), I wish her the best when she leaves. We did want to remain friends, which felt easier because of the distance (I don't normally remain friends with my ex's).

Two days after the breakup, she calls me. We talk and she essentially tries to convince me that she didn't break up with me, and that she really wanted to talk about solutions to the problem (at the time all I know was the distance was the problem). I said, "wait, you broke up with me...", and she would say, "nooo! I asked you if you had ideas and you said no and that's why we broke up!". I responded with, "uh, no, you broke up with me long before you asked me for ideas, and at that point I was already broken up with - I made a decision a long time ago to never beg to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me". The ideas asking was, 1) not very specific (I can't change geography, sorry, no ideas), and 2) well after the words "I can't do this anymore", which signals the end of the relationship.

She says she was looking for a future and potential changes in how we were doing things - ie, could her kids be around part of the time when I visit in the future, etc. Which, honestly, I wouldn't have a problem with if it happened organically. But, she didn't actually ask this, she asked if I had ideas on how to fix the distance, which I did not. She never took responsibility for breaking up with me in this conversation. I asked her for a few days to think about it (she wanted to get back together).

Fast forward several days, I talk to her and tell her that our last conversation felt a lot like gaslighting... That she DID break up with me and that's a fact. She says that she can see that in hindsight, and it was a big mistake. I tell tell her, no, I don't want to get back together, not right now at least.

For me, the gaslighting is essentially a dealbreaker if everything is going great. But couple that with a relationship that was already difficult (long distance, communications issues and previous cheater), and with someone who just broke up with me! And then they use gaslighting to try and get back together...! I told her it was the same motives as my ex wife - yes, she cheated and you didn't cheat, but you both were backed into a corner and chose to gaslight in order to get what you want (to not end this relationship). That's the big oopsie! Red flags flying.

We've talked a few times since the breakup and she is certainly in therapy putting things together. It's really hard because I know she wants to figure things out and understand what went wrong, but for me, the gaslighting is a HUGE trigger. I reiterated that to her during our post breakup conversations, she knows I have problems with my memory, and it's because of the long-term gaslighting I went through during my marriage.

Ok, well there it is - a little wordy, and a brief gloss over, but feedback is welcome.

Edited to remove some specifics.

[This message edited by Hobbyist at 4:45 PM, Monday, February 14th]

Obviously I wasn't there, but from what you've written it is not at all clear to me that "I can't do this anymore" was an explicit statement of breaking up, rather it seems like an attempt (however poorly conceived) to start a conversation about making changes in the relationship, not necessarily to end it all together. My read is that breaking up is not what she really wanted, rather she wanted to figure out how to better manage her relationship with you and that with her kids.

Thus, I'm not sure I would classify the subsequent conversation as true gas-lighting, rather that the two of you just had different perceptions of what went down (her perception perhaps being colored by her intentions and desired outcome as opposed to what she actually said, yours perhaps by a "knee-jerk"(?) reaction to her opening statement?).

It's all in interpretation, and I guess it makes me wonder whether you might have been pre-disposed to the idea if breaking up?

Those words by themself, perhaps I did jump to conclusions, but in the subsequent conversation (remember we had 4 hours to hash this out before her flight), I was very clear that she was breaking up with me. While processing the events of the trip, I asked her several things like, "why did you do XYZ or say XYZ if you were planning on breaking up with me?". I don't believe there's any way she could have walked away from that conversation not believing that I believed she broke up with me, and if there WAS a big misunderstanding, she had 4 hours to sort it out.

My experience with gaslighting is not in the evil, "I just want to mess with this person's mind", sort of way - it's been in the, "oh crap, I'm backed into a corner and I don't see a way out, I'm just going to start saying things and seeing what sticks". So in that regard, it felt like that.

It's not the first time we've had communication misfires - had a conversation and then days later realized we literally both had different conversations... None of it ever felt malicious, just unfortunate, but this was a big nail in the coffin that had my spidey sense screaming, "she's gaslighting you!".

I wanted to add, too, that she knows I have problems with my memory, and so it sort of felt like the stage was set to convince me I was "misremembering" something. I should also clarify that we've talked since then, I've called her out on the gaslighting and she's pretty horrified I said she was doing that, apologized, and that she can see how it would be triggering for me. But my gut reaction is, if this person, a former cheater, gaslights when backed into a corner, yea, that's gonna be a no from me... She spent some time at the beginning of the relationship showing me that she wasn't like my ex wife, but this was such a big event that it makes me question that.

[This message edited by Hobbyist at 3:22 PM, Friday, February 11th]

Thanks for the further clarifications.

I can see where she might have not had the expectation or even intention of really breaking up but couldn't stop it once it started rolling down hill. Two problems though. Point blank starting with I can't do this anymore without caveats is really poor tactic if she really wanted to to just tweak and address some pain points. Almost seems like breaking up with the expectation that the person being broken up with will fight to keep it alive. I think most of us grow out of that thought process in our teens. Assuming that was her train of thought her hurt that you so readily agreed contributed to the conversation snowballing. If not breaking up was really the goal, adults take a deep breath, admit to communicating poorly, and get to the point. Two, she had the opportunity to fess up that the conversation didn't go the way she wanted. Instead she pretended that breakup conversation didnt go sour and you were just mistaken. Again not very good communication or relationship skills and a child like or even waywardish mindset. I think you did the right thing for sure.

It feels to me as if you don't have strong boundaries with people, in this instance because of her behavior, habits of communication, and fallback on gas lighting or manipulation rather than owning her choices and decisions. You don't feel safe or comfortable with the way she handles herself, so the relationship should end. No need to wonder if you are right or being fair. Your guilt seems to be stronger than your boundaries, but why is that? Is it FOO that makes you believe that "No, this is not what I want" is an unfair or cruel statement?

Good luck! You'll find someone who is a better fit.

P.S. People gas light if you let them. When you shut those people down and out, they will no longer sense that they can get away with it. So stop talking with her about what was or was not said! Byyyeee! And move on. Don't doubt yourself.

P.P.S. Someone who doubts themselves, over apologizes, gives in to keep the peace, accommodates and does not stand up for themselves when their boundaries are pushed against = a gas lighter's dream partner! (I am a recovering gas lighting magnet! Lol.) We call ourselves "nice," but all they see is the sign over our heads that says, "Sucker!!!!"

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 8:09 PM, Saturday, February 12th]

And why did she come back and gas light you to say, "We didn't break up"?

A. Because she hates not having someone, so until she can find a closer guy, she decided that she wants to keep you around.

B. Because she assumed you would help her fix this and make her life easier (offer to move closer? Visit her more?) and was creating drama and saying, "I can't do this!" to push you (manipulation at its finest).

Either way, this gas lighting backtracking has nothing to do with your happiness or needs and everything to do with her selfishness. Don't fall for it! Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Many cheaters take advantage of you years before the ultimate taking-you-for-granted move! Shut this sh$t down. That's my opinion anyway.

"No manipulators and cheaters need apply--only strong boundaries and self-respect found here!"

it is not at all clear to me that "I can't do this anymore" was an explicit statement of breaking up, rather it seems like an attempt (however poorly conceived) to start a conversation about making changes in the relationship, not necessarily to end it all together. My read is that breaking up is not what she really wanted, rather she wanted to figure out how to better manage her relationship with you and that with her kids.

Regardless how one soft peddles the interpretation of what she said, ultimately she defaults to a brand of dishonesty, deception, and manipulations of the OP's feelings to steer the relationship her way. Instead being forthright with something along the lines of "Hey, I find myself dissatisfied with our current arrangement. I find myself needing blah, blah, blah. Will you consider blah, blah, blah?" She resorts to fishing for his desperation to remain with her. Intellectually dishonest (and dangerous).

And then she backpeddles by gaslighting. "Oh, no, you didn't hear what you say you heard! I can't believe you (que indignation)."

My wife was such a "nice" person who regularly employed these tactics and ploys to "shepherd" me whatever direction she wanted. The only time she used forthcoming and transparent was when she had her bitch-boots strapped on. Asking one to change their M.O. when its of this type is hopeless. This is how they've learned to make their way through this world and demanding a communication style compatible with a straight shooter is futile. Just effing run. There will be more of this to come.

Disclosure: yes, I'm projecting.

I just wanted to relay a discussion that my ex and I had a couple of years before the end. I was a stay at home mom, with my youngest having back to back ear infections eventually have tubes twice. Nothing serious, but that kid didn’t sleep through the night until she was over 2 yrs old. I was a mess. My older child was a spit fire, just hard. One day I went to my then husband and said, I can’t do this anymore, I’m really struggling. I came to him for help, I found out years later he took it as criticism again him. He totally shut down after that conversation. I ended up getting a house cleaner twice a mom, which was the most amazing freeing thing. I also started exercising again. And perhaps the most important thing, my daughter stated sleeping, and both just aged and got easier. They started preschool and I could volunteer and do things. I know I’m responsible for my own happiness, but in a time of need I had reached out for help, for ideas and he took it all personally. That was the turning point in our marriage. If I had communicated clearer, if he had asked questions, all what ifs.

Your GF may have not started out with breaking up in mind, but that’s where the conversation went. Maybe she just wanted to vent and you started in on breaking up because you didn’t see a solution. While a bit dated, you may find Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus helpful, I know I did years ago when my therapist recommended it.

LDR are hard. It sounds like you discussed it early on so you both knew where you stood and still decided to give it a whirl.

Now she has decided it is just to hard for her. Which is fair enough. As you grow as a couple, you may want more. But she wanted YOU to provide the fix. When you didn't have a resolution, she felt she had no choice than to break up. Because after all, she just said she didn't think she could do this any more.

If the above was at the heart of your issue, I do think you could work through it.

However, their seems to be more going on (ie the communication issues and her spinning it all around. Sniffs of that ole rewriting history).

You know what they say here, you need to trust your gut. She is not taking ownership in her own side of your breakup. It is one thing to say, I was just really frustrated by the distance and was lashing out. Versus....nope, that is not what really happened at all.

If you do decide to give it another whirl with her, I would recommend you guys do some couples therapy. That is not too hard nowadays with drs offering a lot of online sessions/Zooms, etc. That could help you navigate some communication techniques, working through the LDR frustrations, etc.

Almost seems like breaking up with the expectation that the person being broken up with will fight to keep it alive. I think most of us grow out of that thought process in our teens.

I think you hit the nail on the head right here, grubs.

Thank you for all the feedback - I appreciate it! I don't believe it was malicious at all, but I think the distance kills it ultimately. We probably could work through the communication problems, but the core heart of the issue is the distance, and we can't solve that right now (or at least, we're both unwilling to solve by moving).

[This message edited by Hobbyist at 4:31 PM, Monday, February 14th]