SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm sure this has been asked loads of times, so I apologize if redundant.

I want to tell my AP's girlfriend about his infidelity.

Here is the breakdown. I had a very emotional connection with AP that lasted for a few years. I know way too many of his secrets, and I feel I know way too much about his girlfriend. I doubt their situation is rare; she doesn't enjoy sex and he does, he rarely got it from her so he goes looking elsewhere for that, which is how he found me and some girls after me. I was his first "cheat". He never got caught, but I fessed up to my BH. AP always told me that he would not want to cheat once he married her, like he could start fresh and make a real promise to her. I know that's BS. Anyway, that was his idea. And guess what, that was in 2017 and they are still not engaged. I believe they have been together for a decade. He is dragging her ass along. By the way, I never saw him as a potential life partner. So my intentions are not to break them up, even though she will probably not stay with him if she believes me.

I want to tell her because obviously she has a right to know. But also because I still feel a connection with this loser! For some sick reason I don't want to damage the sultry, fun, secret adventure he had with me in his mind (and mine!). I don't even want to see him again, so why do I have to keep this connection intact? The answer is: I don't. I don't need him to have fond memories of me, to be daydreaming about me, or to even desire me ever again. In fact it might be nice if he hated me. I don't hate him but I do have mixed feelings. I'd like to feel disgusted with him at some point.

I know how to get into his secret email because he once shared his password with me. That is where he kept all his secret photos of me and other secret affair paraphernalia. After I ended things, I told him to change his password. I recently found out all he did was add another character to the password. Yes, I went in so I could dig up dirt on him so I had ammo to tell his girlfriend. And guess what. He still has photos of me in there and I can see he has been with at least 3 other girls since me and I bet there's actually even more! I never knew, but he is a serial cheater.

Something else important:
I don't want to use my photos as ammo, I prefer to be anonymous. I don't really need any more drama in my life than there already is, I don't want MORE backlash from this affair. I hope AP doesn't have any other places he stores those photos. I don't want him to know that I'm the one who told his girlfriend, while he still has photos of me, and sends them all to my BH out of revenge. My BH hasn't seen those particular photos and I don't see any reason why he would need to! BH knows what I've done, why make it worse by making him look at images to go with his imagination? But that would mean it would be harder to prove to her that I'm being truthful.

So then shall I delete my stuff from his email (I want to anyway), and in the same day secretly message her to log into his secret email? Or do I just suck it up, and tell her from myself what we did and let her figure out the rest? Either way he will know it was me who blew it for him. Or, I stay anonymous and find some other way to prove it?

I should not leave it alone though, right?

Hi soapt,

I would tell her. He's at the minimum exposing her to STD's from the multiple affair partners. She needs to know for her own health and safety what's going on.

Since you have his "secret" email account, why not email her the name and password. She can explore from there. You can also inform her in the email that you were a former AP of his and now deeply regret the A. She's not likely to be very interested in how sorry you are, but she may be grateful for the information. She may also ask you questions about his "goings on." Keep the door open.

As for staying anonymous, I don't think you really can do that- your AP has all that dirt on you. She'll figure out eventually who you are via process of elimination. Why not just be honest and up front with her? Give her the basics:

"Hello Ms. X, This will be difficult for you to hear, but I was involved in an A w/ AP from XXtime to XXtime. We had sex. He told me I was not the first and I have direct evidence I am not the last. I am so sorry I did this to you and deeply regret my involvement with AP. If you would like to know more, AP has a secret email account: asshole @ whatever . com and is password is: assholery1!. I am here to answer any questions you may have and am sorry for all the pain I have caused."

It's going to be one of the hardest things you've done in your life. It's going to be a VERY good step for you in practicing radical honesty and putting boundaries up in your relationships with other men and yourself.

It is good you want to rid yourself of any fondness for AP- recognizing the toxic stew of our relationships with them is one of the first and most important steps to coming clean with ourselves and moving on.

If you need to post a Dear John letter to get him out of your system, there's a thread for that here.

My BH hasn't seen those particular photos and I don't see any reason why he would need to!

IMO, this is not really your call to make. It's really more about protecting you and your level of shame or embarrassment. I would let your know BH know these exist and ask him what he would want you to do with them. Some BS's really want to see everything, regardless of whether it hurts or not. It helps complete the puzzle for them sometimes. Other BS's have no need to have the imagery cemented into their brains. But again, that's their call, their decision to make. You making his decisions for him is exactly what happened during the affair. That pattern has to change now.

I know how to get into his secret email because he once shared his password with me.

I'm not a lawyer so I'm hoping there is one on the site that can chime in. My gut tells me that you should probably at least let the GF know his login and password. But I think you should stay out of there yourself (unless your BH wants those pics/emails, then maybe take the risk) because I don't know if reading someone's emails is a federal offense similar to reading "snail mail".

Honestly, this one twists my guts for a few reasons. First, I hate to ever advise any WS to break NC in any way, it just seems to always be a bad idea, and that's why we tend to hammer that point home to every new WS that walks in the door. End it, and end it permanently. That being said however, here you do have the opportunity (and perhaps the responsibility) to tell the BGF what's going on. You also noted that there are other women in there... and that you were not aware of them during your time with him. Maybe they aren't either? What if he's not using protection with these women? It may be that they have a right to know also. I'd love to hear from others because I think the best course of action is to tell the interested parties, but it gnaws in my gut at the same time, simply for NC reasons, and for personal safety reasons. Have you asked BH what he thinks you should do? Maybe he wants to be the one to do it? Either way, be prepared. It may be that you send an email and never hear of any of it again. Or, things could get ugly, and at worst, there could one or more unstable people who just got outed to their spouse(s). Do what you need to be responsible, but safety is important too.

I doubt their situation is rare; she doesn't enjoy sex and he does, he rarely got it from her so he goes looking elsewhere for that, which is how he found me and some girls after me.

This is "Lies Cheating Spouses Tell Their AP's : 101". Sure, it's definitely possible that's the situation (but kinda rare for an engaged couple I'd think), but go check out the other forums on this website (General, JFO, even Reconciliation) and see how many BS's would have been shocked and surprised to hear that they weren't having sex anymore. If it is true, chances are that the sex stopped AFTER the cheating spouse started their affair(s), not BEFORE. The more time passes, and the more you see other people's stories play out, the more "reality" will set in about the affair, and what you thought/felt at the time. Oh, and "I've never done this before, you're my first" seems to be popular with the SA crowd, which I'd say your AP seems to be. Keep practicing at weeding out the lies in your head. The more you do, the more the "wayward pattern of thinking" will subside and a more healthy pattern of thinking can take place.

After reading your other thread, I want to come back here and amend what I wrote you. In my response, I was worried for your safety, however I didn't realize that your safety is already feeling compromised. That being the case, take care of yourself first. I would not even conceive of bringing additional drama and trauma to this relationship at this point in time. I won't go further simply so that I don't threadjack your other post. Just get yourself safe, and your daughter too. Your health and welfare take precedence here (IMO anyway).

You also noted that there are other women in there... and that you were not aware of them during your time with him. Maybe they aren't either? What if he's not using protection with these women?

You are almost right. I knew of two other girls that happened in between my TWO hookups with AP. He did not use protection with me the first time but did the 2nd time. And I kind of saw a photo of some "raw" activity in his recent additions to his photo stash. I know nothing about these new women, except who they are (some of them). The most recent thing was in February, so I know he is still actively cheating, and it does gnaw at me knowing that I could help BGF and her health.

Sure, it's definitely possible that's the situation (but kinda rare for an engaged couple I'd think), but go check out the other forums on this website (General, JFO, even Reconciliation) and see how many BS's would have been shocked and surprised to hear that they weren't having sex anymore.

They are not engaged yet. You could be right about their sex though! I have no idea how it was before me. I do have a pretty good idea of what went on after me.

After reading your other thread, I want to come back here and amend what I wrote you. In my response, I was worried for your safety, however I didn't realize that your safety is already feeling compromised. That being the case, take care of yourself first. I would not even conceive of bringing additional drama and trauma to this relationship at this point in time. I won't go further simply so that I don't threadjack your other post. Just get yourself safe, and your daughter too. Your health and welfare take precedence here (IMO anyway).

Thank you for this. You do get why I want to stay anonymous then. That's why I'm hesitant to go for it. If I delete my photos, come to BGF as myself, tell her anonymously about the secret email, AP will absolutely know it was me who blabbed. If he has backups somewhere of those pics, and they get into my BH's hands, like...it would be bad. BH at least knows about the pics from when I confessed last year, but I don't want him seeing the actual images. Nope. There's also screenshots of conversations, and I definitely do not think it would be good for BH to read. That might seem selfish to some, but like you said, safety first.

So I still don't know how to proceed. The only other proof I could offer is telling her that I know what his penis looks like (it has a certain unique feature that only intimate partners would know). I feel like that isn't enough though. SMH.

Your situation is hard to give the standard advice.

His partner deserves the truth.

I don't think most people need hard proof when confronted that they are being cheated on, even anonymously. Even so, planting that seed may be enough to perhaps confirm something she has sensed all along. Idk.

While I do think your reasons to tell her are a bit revenge-y and personal. All the same she has waisted her life on this guy and I would want to know no matter the source.

Keep it simple and then block her.

- Hi so-and-so,
Your boyfriend (name) has cheated multiple times and I was one of his affair partners.

End message

*But, you should know that he will probably assume it was you anyway.

If you really want to provide proof, how did you meet? Online? Is there a site that you could provide his screen name? I suppose too, you could provide that intimate detail.

I decided to send this poor girl an anonymous email awhile ago.

After more deliberation, today I thought I should get rid of my pictures and just not care if AP figures out it was me. Who cares if he knows? So I was just about to go into the AP's email to delete all my pictures only to find that he had already done that, and he deleted all his other girls' pictures too. So just to be sure, I went to his trash folder to permanently delete them so he can't recover them if he ever wanted them back. It made me think that his GF read my email and took it seriously.

After that, I did something else not as risky, but still stalker-y, and went to the girlfriend's facebook and saw she changed her profile and background photos from her with her BF to her with her sister.

I am now just hoping AP doesn't presume it was me or my husband and does something horrible.

I do feel a lot of relief from knowing the photos are non-existent now. I can let that shit go and never look back. A very good feeling.

On the other hand, my contribution to this woman's pain really sucks. My selfishness and lack of regard to her feelings was truly appalling. She could have known this too, back in 2018. Just feeling sad and guilty for not helping her sooner. All because I was afraid.

I will never regret telling her. She has been serially lied to by multiple people, including her man and girls she thinks are her friends. Truly, I hope she finds some peace and order in her life. If she stays with this guy, then at least she knows who she is with.

Good job telling her. She had the right to know. It's hard to not feel guilty about the lost 4 years of her life she didn't have the truth from you. That is something you will have to forgive yourself for. Just remember this when you're in another situation that requires you to push through your fear and honor the truth. I know it's been hard for me, but something I work on daily.

Really, truly a good and brave thing to do. Letting her know now gives her her power back. She's living in reality and can now make informed decisions about her future.

Better late than never.

Really, truly a good and brave thing to do. Letting her know now gives her her power back. She's living in reality and can now make informed decisions about her future.

Thank you! Yes, I hope her future is better now because of her newfound knowledge. That's all I can pray for!