SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m not sure if that title is exactly how I wanted to express what I’m feeling, but it’s the best I can come up with.

In a nutshell, as I see the world, I am basically a conservative type person, was raised a certain way, education was second only to faith and family and being brought up "right". Respectful. Dependable. Responsible. Loyal. A "lady". A "good person".

Being in trouble with the law would fall under the category of "not in the realm of possibility". Promiscuity was not even an option.

So I get how my upbringing sets me up for this.

For some time now, years and years, I have felt as though I am living someone else’s life. That somewhere in the world there must be a radical, mover and shaker, motorcycle riding, covered in tattoos, kind of person, who is living in a cute house with a white picket fence, president of the PTA, with 2.5 kids, and a husband who loves her.

And she is going fricken crazy, too!

It seems to me that my kids have suffered all kinds of trials and tribulations based probably (hopefully) mostly on there conditions at birth due to their birth mothers addictions. Almost exclusively, there "female interests" have been girls/women in abusive situations, addicts, teen mothers without significant others, etc. (It is not my intention WHATSOEVER to demean any of these girls or their situations, I’m just saying it’s different from my experience being raised.)

Last night one of my sons told me that he is "talking to" a girl for a couple of months now who has shared with him that she was raped by her father, has a child by him, and has to do whatever he says because he threatens to take the child away. He told me this at about 1:30 in the morning, and I’ve been thinking about it ever sense.

Last night I told him that was a very serious and horrible situation, that the father would be unable to take her child without any proof that the child belongs to him, and he is refusing to give DNA,
probably to avoid prosecution.And I told him that maybe we could talk about it a little later since it was so late and he had to go to work this morning. And he agreed.

This morning my sister-in-law called about another thing, and so I took the opportunity to explain to her my husband/her brothers situation regarding his health and the potentially life-threatening situation he is in.

My son was INFURIATED. He interrupted the conversation three times to point out a fire, to turn his music up on his phone, and to ask me some silly question. I told him I would speak to him as soon as I was through talking with her.

Now he is angry with me because:

1. I talk on the phone sometimes when I take him to work

2. I should talk on the phone to other people only when I am not with him.

He’s been expressing these things for the last week or so as I speak with a friend on the phone when she is driving to work and driving home from work because the times coincide because she is in a two hour different time zone.

Anyway, this morning I told him that it was rude to interrupt me while I was talking on the phone. He said I should’ve not been talking on the phone when I was driving him to work. I explained that I had not yet found the time to call his dad’s sister and explain her brother/my husbands updated health situation just to keep her informed.

I told him that his behavior was no different than a three-year-old in the backseat trying to get mommy‘s attention when she’s talking to daddy, or something of that nature.

And have I mentioned that 90% of the time that I take him to and from work, 30 minutes each way, he is mute. Just plays on his phone.

I normally don’t say anything, but today I sort of let him see my frustration with the situation.

I do need to say that I think he was expecting us to speak about the situation with his lady friend while on the way to work, although that had not been officially set up.

So today, I’m sitting here wondering where in the world is that woman who has my house and 2.5 "normal" children, and is she ready to change places with me yet?

By the way, full disclosure, I do have four tattoos… So I guess I’m gravitating to the "other side". I still have not however ever ridden a motorcycle and never will! It scares me so!

So, just ignore me… I’m venting here I guess. And making a bit of a funny as well.

Y’all have a great day!

Yes, but in a different way.

Somedays I wake up amd feel like I am living in my mothers marriage and being in her position emotionally and yet have acted like my father (for very different reasons) and that I somehow married someone who is so like my father with a side of my judgy abusive sister.

I wanted to run away from my family and never look back. I want to think that there is a future somewhere i wont be tainted or burdened by what others have done to me or what I have chosen to do to them.

The life I wanted included a family of warm, kind and caring people with a loving, generous and gentle husband with an open heart. I have that wamrth care and kindness (most days, hah!) between myself and the kids, so theres that.

I ran away only to recreate what was familiar to me from my childhood. Its not fucking fair. I didnt choose to grow up where I did. The choices I made... i went with what was comfortable. The abuse, dysfunction, lack of intimacy and warmth I am living in now... all because of my choices.

I sometimes wake up and remember the little 6 year old girl who was so innocent playing in the waves, being swung between her parents up and over the waves. Happy, secure in feeling loved for just being myself. That is the last memory I have of feeling that security. I was 6 years old.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been had that 6 year old girl had parents truly deserving of her.

I used to feel this way. I used to look at all the people who seemed to be getting more respect, seemed to live in less turbulence and drama, and I would think, "I don't get it. Why does my life look so different? This is not what I envisioned." It was really hard. I was physically and emotionally exhausted.

But IC changed all that. When I started really understanding myself and my underlying motivations for my behaviors and then working to change my actions and reactions, everything around me seemed to change as well. For the better.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 5:57 AM, Wednesday, June 22nd]

MIgander…

I’m so sorry for your situation. It is unbelievably hard to retract from a whacked up situation in childhood. My H had one of those. Father held a gun to his head and told him to call his mother a whore. Stuff like that. 🥲

I was blessed with a very loving childhood home/parents/sisters, and I think that’s why I am so perplexed with "How can I be where I am right now?"

I don’t know if you have used IC to help you answer some of these questions.

I notice sometimes a poster on this site will share that they have come out on the other side successfully and happily. I’m so envious of that.

I strongly believe that, "it’s not the destination, but the journey", and I guess that’s why some of the things along the way on this "journey" get the best of me sometimes.

OIN…

It makes me smile to hear you say that your IC was so helpful to you.

I have never been able to find a therapist that I feel connected to.

To me, it seems like a bit of a miracle that someone can be perceptive enough or lucky enough to find a therapist that can be helpful, when they/we are in such a vulnerable and upset state.

I was blessed with a very loving childhood home/parents/sisters, and I think that’s why I am so perplexed with "How can I be where I am right now?"

I can relate to this. I know I complain about my narcissistic mother, but that is now--after much learning and reflection. I did not see her that way for many years, and I would not tell you that you will see your life differently after IC. I don't know how you will process your life. But for me when I started IC, I looked at my happy upbringing, two still-married parents who rarely fought, their three successful children who had idyllic childhoods, and my charmed life and thought, "What the heck? My brain is obviously broken because there is NOTHING wrong with my life! What is going on with me? Why do problems find me like a magnet???" I simply could not understand, and I was struggling with depressive thoughts because of it.

I think that you go to IC for support at first. For me, paying someone to just listen to me unload felt SO good. Like, they didn't take anyone else's side, just mine! She just listened and sympathized and made me feel really heard. She didn't demand I do this, that, or the other thing. She didn't ridicule anyone in my life. She just listened and asked me thoughtful questions.

It took time though. We moved slowly from support to thought provoking discussions. She still NEVER told me what to do. I would not have liked that. A good IC does not tell you what to do, but they do ask how it might feel to do this differently or that differently. For example, she might have asked, "So your sister just wanted you to drop everything and be there? How would it have felt to you to tell her No?" And I would consider that.

You do a very good job of supporting all of the people in your life, WhatsRight. And I know IC is super expensive, and that is bullsh$t. It should be free, and that pisses me off. But I get that it's not. So if you decide to try IC, I hope (like Sisoon said in your other thread) that you simply find someone who has positive energy and makes you feel heard and supported. You need that. You deserve that. Deciding you want to live differently can maybe come at a later time if it feels right to you, but for now, just consider spending the money on someone who makes you feel supported. Many good ICs will do that, but not all. I have had a lot of success using Psychology Today's "Find a Therapist." You can see a photo, read the bio, read insurance options and whether or not there is a sliding pay scale, and then you can send these people an email and see what you think. I look for a kind face. Lol. Not a great process, but it usually works for some reason. I have found several good ICs this way.

Best wishes for some You time. You deserve a warm, caring listener in your life.

Thanks OIN…that is very kind.

I would like to echo OIN - my experience with my IC is very similar. Having that impartial person in your corner is priceless!

I also agree that you're so great at supporting your people! Don't forget to support you, too.

I can relate to what you are saying. We make decisions in our lives and we look back and sometimes wonder if we shoulda woulda coulda. We see our friends on social media living these kick ass lives and wonder, Where is our kick ass life?

In the past couple years my Dad died of pancreatic cancer and my W’s mother committed suicide, she was not speaking to her mother at the time, and will never have closure. We adopted twins with autism, we live a very isolated life, we will never be empty nesters, we will never take cruises or fancy trips, our earning potential is very limited so we will probably never retire. With all the things we gave up I have come to realize that we are right were we should be.

Our friends post all this kick ass life stuff, cruises, trips to Greece, and Tahiti, they are struggling also, we only see the good, not how bad things are in their lives. I decided long ago I wouldn’t trade places anyone, I will embrace my mess because we all have one, our empty nester friends are dealing with serious medical issues, we are not. We are healthy and find joy in our mess.

Anyone looking at us on Social media sees our kick ass life, because we never complain or make negative posts, but it looks so much different than anyone else and I wouldn’t trade it.

I agree I need some tattoos and a motorcycle.

👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼

I don't feel like I'm living someone else's life but, along the same lines maybe, I often feel like I'm not living mine. The life I was meant to live.

I've learned through IC how my FOO shaped my belief that I am less than, not worthy, of even the most ordinary of things. I marvel at people who pursue their passions, like it's some kind of magic I can't access. Hell, I marvel at people who KNOW their passions.

I wonder what little me would have become in an environment where I was encouraged and loved for who I was. I was so different from my family that I was belittled and criticized. I read too much. I wrote short stories almost constantly from age 9 and was ridiculed for how silly they were or how come you don't like sports? I was accepted to a really, really good college after high school and my parents were angry. Who did I think I was trying to go to college? I was called ungrateful and arrogant.

Thus, I fashioned a life where I accepted whatever came. I stopped dreaming. As my therapist used to say, "you've never been in the driver's seat of your own life." I took what came and hustled for my worth. Frankly, I hustled for scraps.

I wonder about that girl. Where she would be, what she would be doing, who she would be loving. I'm trying my best to resurrect her and give her the life she always deserved.

Tanner…

I know what you mean. If you are not familiar with my background story, my H and I miscarried once and were unable to get pregnant again, so we adopted three boys. They all have varying degrees of fetal alcohol syndrome, cognitive, reasoning, and emotional issues based on that fact. One was born addicted to crack. At times it has been extremely hard. But we wouldn’t change the fact that we have them, for anything.

Cruise to Greece in one hand, and struggling with your special-needs twins in the other hand…NO BRAINER.

Good for you.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 10:34 AM, Friday, June 24th]

TheEnd…

Thanks so much for sharing.

I can’t tell you how sorry I am for what you have been through. In your childhood and now.

You do understand, don’t you, that your parents’ inadequacies and choices regarding you during your childhood had NOTHING to do with you. It was about deficits in THEM.

I’m just so thrilled that you remember that little girl. Who was / is deserving of so much more.

Thank Whatsright. I absolutely do know that!

The internal patterns however are the challenge. It's no longer anyone else holding me back, it's me. Rewiring your brain and thoughts takes effort. We all know this and I recognize it in myself. I've made a lot of progress and as awful as it sounds, the infidelity brought me to this fuller understanding of myself. Once your world implodes the only thing you can really do is take a look at yourself and what you want to rebuild. I want a life now that honors that little girl.

One was born addicted to crack. At times it has been extremely hard. But we wouldn’t change the fact that we have them, for anything.

I went and read your story, it’s a shame what people do their babies but thankfully they get a new life through adoption.

We had 2 biological kids and where not considering having more. When they were teenagers we had a distant family member by marriage give birth to twins, with meth in their systems. Many in the family reached out to us to adopt them, and skipping many pages of a long story, we did at 8 weeks old.

They are both on the spectrum but one is severe and non verbal. He is like a 3 year old in a 13 year olds body. The other is high functioning, quirky, ocd, he will have a job and live on his own one day, but the twin will likely never be able to live alone.

On the positive side, he is the sweetest, most loving kid, he’s a hugger. The other night he got on the couch and was snuggled up to and being held by his mom. I told her not many 13 yo boys want momma holding them. These are the things we find joy in.

Sorry for the T/J

Tanner…no apology necessary.

It’s always nice, I think, to get some insight into someone’s every day world.