SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

here is the story I’m not allowed to talk about of grieve or make sense of. Been together with my husband for 22 years. It’s been a I suppose traditional marriage with him having a lot more freedom than I. I’ve always trusted him to an extent but he’s a very strong person and if anyone questions him he gets angry very quickly. Back in April he admitted going into a hotel room with a woman 17ish years ago. It was at a wedding I was at too but I had to go home and look after our young children. He claims he touched her privates but they didn’t have sex. I obviously don’t believe this and he gets very cross if I try and question him over it. His stance is it was a long time ago so it doesn’t matter. He also admitted kissing a woman in a pub. I know he’s had messages over the years from other women. I’m lost and broken. It may have been a long time ago for him but for me I’ve only recently found out. I am finding it hard that he’s lied to me for all these years. I now have a completely different past to the one I thought I had. All happy memories have gone and been replaced. If I’d know at the time I wouldn’t have stayed. He has been a bully to me and the kids for the first 15 years of our relationship. I would never have married him if I’d known, moved house etc. I feel robbed of the life I thought I had. I don’t know if I can get past this. I can’t talk to him about it as he just gets so angry. I’m desperately sad and depressed. I feel so much shame and I hate the person this has made me become. I’ve been a rubbish mum this summer and all I want to do is cry and stay in bed although I’ve been to work every day. I’m so tired and lost. I’m having counselling please can anyone tell me if this feeling will ever end.
I know I may never get over it without being aloud to talk about it. But that’s my lot in life. I know people will say to leave if he won’t let me talk about it but it’s not that straight forward as I do love him. I hate myself right now and I hate my life.

What do you love about him?

Welcome Silverdollars, you are safe to speak your mind and heart here. I am so glad you found us, but I am saddened to hear your story.

My husband too would get very angry when I tried to bring up thing has done or choices he has made that have bothered me. I have since learned that this was a form of manipulation. If he gets angry and emotionally punishes you for questioning him, then he will condition you to not bring up these topics and sweep them under the rug. Over time, you will learn not to confront or question in an effort to avoid his wrath. Of course you are unhappy, your basic needs (safety and emotional security among others) are not being met. Have you ever considered therapy?

Look at TheEnd’s question again then ask yourself if you want your one, and only, life to be like this until you die.

SD, I really hope you change your perspective quickly as to:

he’s a very strong person

His behavior and actions do not reflect your description of him in this statement. His actions are NOT the actions of the strong person. Ask yourself: can he control himself? can he keep his hands, mouth, and fingers to himself? can he take responsibility for his actions?

I would recommend that you read "Healing Library" and research 180 to start detaching if he's considering himself as your master and it does look like he wants to rug sweep and continue his comfortable for him life.

Allowing my H to sweep his first affair under the rug made it easier for him to have a second affair.

It sounds like your H told you just to be cruel.

How sad.

So what is your plan?

Have you done anything for yourself since this discovery? Get STD tests? See your Dr to help you deal w/ the emotional trauma? See a therapist? See an attorney?

This is a horrible situation for sure, but not one you have to choose to stay in by any means. He doesn't get to dictate how you deal w/ his betrayal.

Thank you so much everyone for taking the time to reply. I feel so ashamed and embarrassed. I actually hate myself. All the lovely memories i had of family life were built on lies. I’ve had some counselling but at £50 a week it’s not sustainable. I’ve spoke to some friends and everyone says to leave him but it’s just not what I’m sure I want or the right time I guess it’s too raw to make any plans yet. I like the 180 thinking. It’s a challenge to get through the day at the moment and I’ve thrown myself into house work big time. I just hate feeling like this. Will it ever stop? I can’t see anything positive about myself so it’s a right pity party. He’s called me horrible things which I play on repeat through my head. I’ve not been the best wife but I’ve never ever ever cheated. Or even come close. I’ve got an eating disorder I know I’ve lost a lot of weight and that’s not easy. I used to drink to much but haven’t had a drink in 3 years. X

(((SD)))

I’ve not been the best wife

First thing (in addition to stop keeping your WS on a pedestal) is to stop blaming yourself for your WS behavior. His A's and were / are NOT YOUR FAULT. His behavior and actions are caused by his OWN brokenness and holes. Decent people become aware of their actions (just like you staying sober for 3 years) and work hard to stop them to become the better version of oneself. Life is really non-stop work on yourself.

You must get angry and realize that your WS is not strong and that he is not in the position to blame shift. It's time to gather your strength to pull yourself out of this nightmare by setting your boundaries, 180, picking yourself up from the floor (family and friends can help, SI too), you may ask for detailed timeline.

And it's time for plenty of selfcare! He's not your Master, and you're not his slave!

[This message edited by TruthIsPower at 10:09 PM, Thursday, September 8th]

I feel so ashamed and embarrassed.

Oh I remember feeling this way too - but YOU have not one diddly damn thing to be ashamed or embarrassed about my dear. Of course you weren't perfect (because no one is!) but you have been a faithful wife.

All the lovely memories i had of family life were built on lies.

What a wanker he is to have done this to you and your family. You hear me? HE did this, you didn't.

I’ve spoke to some friends and everyone says to leave him but it’s just not what I’m sure I want or the right time I guess it’s too raw to make any plans yet.

Before I became a BS, I always knew exactly what I would do if I was cheated on. But as I discovered it is truly a situation that you just don't know what to do until you're in it. It's okay if you need to just take time right now. It's okay if you stay or if you leave. You need to make the choices that are best for YOU going forward and sometimes it takes some reflection and time to figure all that out.

I can’t see anything positive about myself so it’s a right pity party.

This...

...is completely negated by these.

I’ve not been the best wife but I’ve never ever ever cheated. Or even come close. I’ve got an eating disorder I know I’ve lost a lot of weight and that’s not easy. I used to drink to much but haven’t had a drink in 3 years.

You are a faithful wife, you have battled and won against an eating disorder (which is NOT easy to do - good for you!), and you have been sober for 3 years. All of that tells me a lot about your self-awareness, grit, determination, and character, and how much of all that you have in you. I dunno, but you sound like a pretty badass lady to me.

Your wh sounds like a spineless weasel and a bully IMHO. So if you can't talk to him, talk to us. We gotchu.

1. His choices are not your shame to bear. Stop blaming yourself.

2. His words abd actions are abuse. You have to disengage and stop listening to his words. He says them to justify his actions.

3. If he has always been this way to you and I suspect he has given your immediate reaction to blame yourself you don't see thos for what it is. Abusers install these buttons and can continue to use them even when truths come out.

4. If you have and eating disorder you need to see your dr that helps with this. You cannot allow the stress of this cause you more damage and pain. You also need support. You need to make sure protein and albumin levels are ok especially if you are struggling to eat. You may benefit from medication to help quiet your mind and stress response too. Many of us here needed help in the early days.

5. Stop interacting with him definitely practice the 180. I say practice because it takes a lot of practice to disengage with someone you have spent your entire life engaging with daily. The 180 prevents him from verbally and mentally abusing you.

6. Nothing you did or did not do caused this. His actions do not negate your experience in life. You believed you had a good family and M. That doesn't mean happy times weren't for you. You did not know otherwise. I know 8ts a terrible mindfuck but you will find clarity on this eventually. I also know that you can't make a decision right now but an visit with a solicitor will give you clarity on options and what they look like for you.

If I’d know at the time I wouldn’t have stayed.

So why are you staying now? Fear? Perceived difficulty of starting over?

Love isn't enough, and well... read my signature.

Not permitted to speak or he gets angry?! This sounds like coercive control. Surround yourself with as much support as possible, speak to a domestic violence service, make a plan to leave even if you dont intend to follow through.

Take care

Thanks again everyone. What you all say is true but I don’t know how to protect my mental state. I’ve put him on a pedestal which I know is on me. It’s been very difficult he’s always gone out a lot I’ve been out probably 5 times in 20 years. This is my whole life. I do work but the home is my life I have very little for myself. I have tried being quiet and distant but that makes him real cross. I’ve tried talking about it- he shouts. I’ve tried carrying on as normal but it’s really hard and I get worn down. We 3 kids at home at the moment. The kids are suffering I think. I can’t just leave I don’t want to just leave. I’m so confused and scared x

(((SD)))

I'm really worried for you. I know therapy is expensive and not always sustainable. Is there a mental health nurse associated with your family physician that could maybe help?
If you feel like your children are suffering, I can guarantee you they are. Children (of most ages) are very perceptive. They may not know what's going on exactly but they know something isn't right. What advice would you give one of your children if they were in this situation?
Please take care of yourself. Your husband is not the strong one in this relationship!

I am so sorry you are in this difficult position. It is not an easy one to be in. What made him after all this time tell you about it? I am wondering why he did this.. but yet does not want to help you to heal. He needs to go to counseling with you. I know it is expensive, but you said you love him and sounds like you want to make it work... It is always easier to resolve a conflict than it is to dissolve a marriage. With that being said, he needs to show you remorse.. regret... and be willing anything he can do to heal the marriage. I hope he steps up to the plate for you. In the meantime, take care of yourself... go visit a friend... do extra special things for the kids... don't be so readily available to him... Let him see he needs to turn his actions around. May God Bless you in the days and weeks ahead as you navigate this very difficult circumstance.

He has been a bully to me and the kids for the first 15 years of our relationship.

You've been together for 17 years. For 15 of those years, he's been a bully.

Infidelity is a form of abuse. Extreme abuse. Shouting at you is a form of abuse. Refusing to allow you to talk is emotional abuse.

The kids are suffering I think

The kids have been suffering. Their father abuses them,and their mother.

You need to leave him. I understand you're scared. He's made you think you can't be without him. You should be more scared to stay. Your kids will grow up, and either be abusers,or choose abusers as a mate. You need to teach them a lesson..that one should never tolerate being abused..by anyone.

He isn't safe. Even if he stops cheating..which he won't. He isn't safe.

When you are upset you clean the house. You work but home is your life. You sound like a wonderful devoted mother and wife. You in no way deserve the treatment you’re getting and you’ve done nothing to cause it. Seeing an attorney for a consult may give you an idea of the choices you have. Best to you and your kids.

It sounds like you are in the Middle East or possibly Asia. Or you are a recent immigrant and you are told you don’t have rights. In the United States there is no state that will keep you from the your share of the family money. You need to go see a lawyer in whatever country you live in to make sure you have access to family money. Get what you can and then get out. Take a suitcase and leave. Your freedom to be who you are, say what you think, feel what you feel is your right by birth. And don’t let anyone tell you different.

This is all him. He has beem able to control you all your married life. Exactly how he wants it to be and I gurantee he will continue to be like this. Youve been out 5 times on 20 years because he made sure you didnt have the freedom. He has called you horrible names to make you feel powerless and weak. Hes a narcissist. He doesnt let you get angry or feel emotions because hes feelings of anger and annoyance over powers yours. You say you love him? You have not been in a loving marriage since the beginning. It has been one sided and unfortunately just from yout side. Hes form of love for you is controlling you and making sure that the needs of the house and the children are met. Thats not love. Thats him being selfish. Hes had all the freedom he has wanted in the 20 years while you have only been out 5 times.

You have to wake up from thie nightmare. He is the nightmare. You need to make a choice. Do you want to continue to live this nightmare for another 20 years or do you want to take back your freedom and be the person youve always wanted to be. Your children deserve to look up to a strong woman and you can be that strong person once you take back control of your own life. Dont let him bully you for the rest of your life. Only you can break yourself free. You deserve so much better.