SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I can’t believe I’m here, but I’m grateful that something like this platform exists. This is my first post and I found out September 10, but still feel like it was yesterday. I hope my post is ok, just telling my story

I found out one morning after he had left to go take his daughter out. I had found condoms in his bedside table and an earring that wasn’t mine, and I was just staring at this being like I have to get to the bottom of this. What I did next I am not proud of, I have never looked in his phone or social media the entire time we have been together, but I thought let me try our Netflix password on his Instagram. And what do you know, it worked. I was in absolute shock, the first message is from a woman (who is also married) he has been seeing the past 3 months - daily communication, making plans when I am out of town etc. but it got worse, messages and messages of other women he sees on work trips, asking them to go meet him places and additionally still seeing his exes when I am out of town.

I packed up what I could and texted him the name of the woman. I didn’t answer all day, he’s gaslighting me and my bestfriend sending us messages that he has known this woman for 8 years professionally and nothing is going on, to please come home and talk to him. Meanwhile I can see that he has made plans to see her that evening!

So I show up back to our place and catch him with her. He tried to turn it around that he thought I had left him, and why didn’t I reply. I just said get her out of here, and she left. I just went in the other room so I didn’t have to see her as she was leaving.

We talked but I didn’t tell him how I found out or what else I knew. I was too devastated and scared of what he might do if he knew I spied on his social media, so I left and went to stay at my friends house and left for a work trip for 2 weeks.

I got home and told him it was over, did not divulge everything I know, went to stay at my friends house as was only in town for 5 days and then on the road again for work.

He keeps calling and texting, saying he made this one mistake and will never do it again - but I know it’s all lies. I don’t know what to do I want to tell him everything I know but I’m also scared what he will say, and turn mean. I do believe I am dealing with a true narcissist, and don’t know if telling him will get me anywhere, even though I have the hard proof.

I’m still away for work and am dreading going home.

The awful part is I would love if we could work through this - I just don’t think he will ever change and I should get out now.

Thank you for reading

Hey, use want to start this off with letting you know you have my sympathy. I remember how awful the early days were. I thought I would never get through them.

It sounds like you have a serial cheater on your hands, and they are notoriously difficult to R with, as their behaviour is often pathological. Don't offer or mention R anytime soon. Just get your feet under you as you will be going through shock and so not in your best frame of mind. As well, don't divulge your sources nor the extent of what you know. This will let you guage his level of honesty, which is abysmally low at this stage.

Keep your chin up.

I am so sorry you are here. You will get through this.

But consider this; not only did he pretend that this is the only woman he was cheating with (and you know better) but he also invited her over to your home the second he thought you were gone.

This is not the type of person you want to build your future on.

@justsomeguy - thank you for your reply and support I do believe like you say I have a serial cheater on my hands and I think you’re right I don’t think it would do me any good to divulge all I know. I already have my answer, I just need to be strong, which is hard as you know.

@funhousemirror - thank you for your words, this is not the type of person I want to build a future with. Really appreciate you reading, it helps to tell my story and get insight. Makes me feel less crazy and alone through all of this

Please read about personality disorders. I am not able to diagnose anyone but he has some "interesting" traits that would fit one or two of them.One thing to know about PD is that it is not a mental illness but a set of thoughts, feelings and behaviors that cannot be fixed.
I think you need to move on with your life. One the one hand he is begging you and on the other having one of his s** buddies over. He won’t stop.

I'm so sorry that he's done this to you. Stay strong. Stay safe. Get into IC to help you deal with the trauma that you're experiencing.

If you fear for what he may do when he learns how much you know then you should be careful to only meet him in public places. Put an audio recorder app on your phone and start recording every interaction with him.

Do not disclose how much you know or how you found out. Every scrap of information you give him at this point will be used to try to craft plausible lies.

Tell him that you know he has been cheating for a long time. Tell him that he needs to write out a timeline of all his infidelities. Dates, names, places, everything he can remember. Tell him that you will want to verify the truth with a polygraph.

Don't feel bad for checking his social media. We vow to share everything in our lives with our spouses. Privacy is a gift that we give them out of love and trust. When you found good reason to believe that your WH had violated that trust you were right to investigate.

Best wishes.

So I show up back to our place and catch him with her. He tried to turn it around that he thought I had left him, and why didn’t I reply.

I do believe I am dealing with a true narcissist, and don’t know if telling him will get me anywhere, even though I have the hard proof.

Tell him nothing; just that you know more than enough. The fact that he instantly took up with another woman when he thought you were gone says A LOT.

The only way to beat a narcissist is to not play their game. Time to start protecting and taking care of yourself for now.

Elephantlala -

I'm really sorry that this has happened to you. Do not feel sorry for checking his ig and do not ever tell him your source. Recommend you start contacting lawyers (even if you don't ultimately divorce, it's good to know what a divorce would look like and how best to protect yourself.) Get STD tested. And enroll in therapy. This is quite a trauma and you are a victim of abuse.

Your husband is a serial cheater and liar. What's significant to me is when he got found out, he was telling you it's nothing while actually still making plans to meet with a woman that night. And in your home. He was just caught cheating, you'd left and his priority was to get this woman to your home, not the fact that his wife walked out on him. The disrespect is astronomical. I'm not a big proponent of reconciliation in general, but never in a case with a serial cheater. The prospects that a serial cheater will change is very low. Of course technically anything is possible, but it's unlikely. You do appear to be pragmatic about that likelihood. He'd have to have a complete personality transplant. To him, cheating is second nature.

Of course you are hoping this could still work. He's your husband, and you love him. Moreover, the thing with abusers is this, abusers don't seem like abusers, they can be kind, funny, charismatic and possess other amazing qualities, but that doesn't negate that he's an abuser and a prolific liar. IMO if he wants to change and reconcile, let him spearhead that. He should do the work and research how to attempt to repair the damage and make the therapy appointments and read the books and find ways to try and regain your trust. Betrayed spouses typically lead while the cheater follows along.

Is your husband still communicating and meeting with woman currently? It doesn't seem like you have children in common? Are you the bread winner?

Please take care of yourself. So good that you have your sister for support. Again I think therapy will be helpful. Don't neglect yourself physically, get sleep, drink plenty of water, exercise, and eat. And keep posting.

Uhhhh you found the OW in your home and he tried to say you had already left him?

It’s nice to know he can move on so quickly. It shows he has NO value or investment in your relationship or in reconciling with you and committing to a monogamous relationship.

I don’t believe you have much to work with here. A halfway decent person would not replace their spouse or partner so quickly.

He's a serial cheater.

Never reveal your sources.

You need to call her hand let him know of the affair,and that you caught her in your house. He deserves to know.

So many of us wished we could return to happier days. ****sigh*****

There's just that huge issue of

Selfishness
Lying
Betrayal
Ungratefulness
Plotting and planning
Lying to multiple women and using them like toys
Wasting no time getting her over as soon as your back was turned

He could be the richest, most gorgeous guy on Earth but this is it, he's shown you now how it's going to be for the rest of your days.

I suggest an IC as soon as possible for guidance and support.