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It's been 4 months since my wife discovered my affair. Since then I've been living in the guest bedroom, thankfully "in secret" from our three kids; originally she wanted a divorce & may still want one now. We did have one online couples therapy session, which was productive & have one in two weeks. We get along fine living together, but her main hurdle is she can't even think about ever being physical with me again, even holding hands. I'm doing everything a WS can do, & don't push her, although I have asked to hug her on several occasions which she has politely declined. I do tell her I love her, which she doesn't respond (who can blame her). Is the no contact of any kind a major concern, or is 4 months still pretty "fresh". Also, should I pump the breaks on the "I love you's"?

Also, our 25th anniversary is this coming up before our 2nd couples therapy appointment; we haven't talked about it yet...would anyone have any advice on how to deal with the upcoming milestone anniversary? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

[This message edited by cheatinghusband319 at 1:44 AM, Monday, October 24th]

Ask her how she would like to handle it,and respect her response. If she says sje wants to ignore it,do exactly that.

You say you're doing everything a WS should do. What,exactly, is that?

At minimum you should..

Get tested for stds.

Answer all of her questions without anger or defensiveness.

Get into IC to figure out why you did this, and to become safer.

Drop any friends who knew of the affair.

Write a NC email to OW,and have your wife approve of it,then send it.

Block OW on everything.

Complete transparency. She gets full access to everything, all accounts, including the phone. Passwords included.

If OW is a coworker, find another job.

Call the other woman's husband, and inform him of the affair.

Offer to take a polygraph.

Stop MC. The marriage didn't cheat, you did.

And anything else she needs to feel safer.

NOT talking about the affair, means you are rugsweeping. It won't work.

Four months is reasonable. She doesn't trust you. Expecting her to be vulnerable with you right now is expecting too much. If you can't deal with that, be kind,and file for divorce.

[This message edited by HellFire at 1:47 AM, Monday, October 24th]

I’m nine years out now and my WH’s affair has completely screwed up my ability to have sex with him.

If four months is getting to be a problem for you, you should request a divorce. It would be kind for her.

Ask her what she wants. Ask her if she wants you to stop with the I love yous. But frankly, I still internally roll my eyes 90% of the time I hear it and say it.

I think maybe reality has not hit you yet.

Thank you both so much for your responses - sorry not used to the format of this board - here are my responses below t0 both of your thankful comments:

Get tested for stds.

- haven't done that yet, read that somewhere else, since I'm letting her know where I'm at at all times I thought showing up on life 360 at a clinic getting tested at this point would be a "I expect we'll be having sex soon" message I don't want to send.

Answer all of her questions without anger or defensiveness.

- done, wish she asked more, but she knows everything about affair (all emails and texts)

Get into IC to figure out why you did this, and to become safer.

- will do, was thinking about it

Drop any friends who knew of the affair.

- none

Write a NC email to OW,and have your wife approve of it,then send it.

- broke off immediately, only knew OW for 3 weeks prior to dday, "only" had sex twice, I'm pretty confident she knows I broke it off, so not sure if this would unintentionally open an old wound?

Block OW on everything.

- done

Complete transparency. She gets full access to everything, all accounts, including the phone. Passwords included.

- done

If OW is a coworker, find another job.

- not a co-workder

Call the other woman's husband, and inform him of the affair.

- not sure on this one, may create some trouble that would impact healing...would anyone else be able to weigh in on this one?

Offer to take a polygraph.

- will do

Stop MC. The marriage didn't cheat, you did.

- 1st session was productive so we'll do at least one more - if not done

And anything else she needs to feel safer.

- done

NOT talking about the affair, means you are rugsweeping. It won't work.

- I regularly offer to talk to her; she politely refuses

Four months is reasonable. She doesn't trust you. Expecting her to be vulnerable with you right now is expecting too much. If you can't deal with that, be kind,and file for divorce.

- I can totally deal with no physical contact for years, just wondering if no hand-holding is a major concern at 4 months.

-

I’m nine years out now and my WH’s affair has completely screwed up my ability to have sex with him.

- I'm very sorry to hear that

If four months is getting to be a problem for you, you should request a divorce. It would be kind for her.

- no problem for me, just wondering if no hugs or hand holding is a problem...everything I have read so far is that is what WS should be doing.

Ask her what she wants. Ask her if she wants you to stop with the I love yous. But frankly, I still internally roll my eyes 90% of the time I hear it and say it.

- will do, great advice

I think maybe reality has not hit you yet.

- I think you are 100% correct - thank you so so much!

[This message edited by cheatinghusband319 at 11:28 PM, Monday, October 24th]

You need to get tested for STDs/STIs to make sure you're clean and won't transmit organisms to your BE that might cause her to get cancer and DIE.

Your actions have consequences.

Thank you - 100% will do, just not sure on the timing (not anywhere near physical contact yet), or do you think now I should bring it up to her...just worried about dropping an unnecessary trigger on her - thanks again.

Good on you for posting here.

You absolutely need to inform the other BS. They deserve to have agency in their lives.

As for your BS, is she getting any help IRL? Does she know about this site? I know where I was at 4 months, and it wasn't pretty.

just not sure on the timing (not anywhere near physical contact yet), or do you think now I should bring it up to her...just worried about dropping an unnecessary trigger on her -

What do you mean you're not sure of the timing?

Honestly, your anniversary probably means nothing to her right now. Her thinking is..you didn't care about the marriage,so why should she care about the anniversary? She sees nothing to celebrate.

She doesn't care that you want sex. Your needs are of little consequence to her. And they shouldn't be. She should be taking care of herself,and watching you. She's watching your actions. Your words mean nothing. She's watching to see what work you're doing to become a safe partner.

You didn't answer if you were doing any of the things I mentioned before. I can promise you,those things are necessary, if you even want a shot at attempting reconciliation.

[This message edited by HellFire at 2:56 PM, Monday, October 24th]

I am a little over a year out and I do not desire to have sex with my H. So four months out does not seem unreasonable at all, to me anyway.
The idea of him doing the most intimate things that a married couple can do together with someone else and deceiving me to do it has destroyed that desire. I am sure your wife is feeling the same.

The I love yous...yeah my husband does that too. I don't take that to heart because he said that while stabbing me in the back.

Ask your wife how she wants to handle your anniversary. I did not celebrate our 31st anniversary and I have no intentions of celebrating another ever again. We are legally married, that's it. I am not about to celebrate his broken promises.

I don't understand your delay in getting tested for STDs. Why let the infection fester, if you've been infected? You would need to be tested even if your W filed for D on d-day.

From what you write, your W has been severely traumatized and/or depressed by your A. I hope your MC helps her.

How is your W living now - eating, sleeping, hygiene, getting dressed, exercising, getting out of the house, doing the things she needs to do to keep her daily life going?

broke off immediately, only knew OW for 3 weeks prior to dday, "only" had sex twice, I'm pretty confident she knows I broke it off,

This jumped out at me. You're "pretty confident" your BW knows you broke it off? What does this mean in the light of "she knows everything about the affair?"

Thank you all for your replies, I really appreciate your honesty and advice. I tried to answer them all below -

Leafields, justsomeguy
You absolutely need to inform the other BS. They deserve to have agency in their lives.
- will do
As for your BS, is she getting any help IRL? Does she know about this site? I know where I was at 4 months, and it wasn't pretty.
- She has a friend she talks to that seems to be helpful, but nothing professional. I will let her know about this site as it seems talking to other people that have been betrayed may be helpful to her, good suggestion.

Hellfire
What do you mean you're not sure of the timing…She doesn't care that you want sex.
- I don’t want sex, but I thought me bringing up testing would give her the assumption that is something I’m interested in the near future. I will bring it up and get tested asap

You didn't answer if you were doing any of the things I mentioned before. I can promise you,those things are necessary, if you even want a shot at attempting reconciliation.
- I answered them in my original response, thank you for all of the suggestions

Raggedyanne
Ask your wife how she wants to handle your anniversary.
- I will that is a great suggestion thank you.

Scission
I don't understand your delay in getting tested for STDs. Why let the infection fester, if you've been infected? You would need to be tested even if your W filed for D on d-day.
- I will bring it up and get tested soon, thank you for making this clear to me.

How is your W living now - eating, sleeping, hygiene, getting dressed, exercising, getting out of the house, doing the things she needs to do to keep her daily life going?
- on the surface she is doing incredibly well, she’s super-busy with work and the kids

Aripolis
This jumped out at me. You're "pretty confident" your BW knows you broke it off?
- I guess since d-day she would have no reason to believe it is totally broke off as she’s been deceived before. She has all my passwords, and I let her know my every move outside the house, but that isn’t a guarantee, do you have any suggestions?

What does this mean in the light of "she knows everything about the affair?"
- she discovered my affair by noticing a chat app on my phone..when she was going through to get contacts for a surprise birthday party she was going to through - wow, I can’t even imagine what that had to be like - one second "he’s going to be so excited about this party", the next second she sees the most horrible stuff a spouse could see. So, she read all the emails and all the chats were saved on the app so she had to suffer though every graphic text and email that was sent.

I'm sorry, I missed that you had replied to my post.

No hand holding is normal. I'm a decade out, reconciled,and hand holding is still a bit hard at times.

Get tested. Tell her before you go that you are going. No surprises. Tell her you aren't going because you believe you have any symptoms, and you aren't going because you expect anything from her at all. You are going because it's the right thing to do for your health. And because it's part of the work you are doing to become a safe partner.

great advice on how to broach the subject - thank you very much

While I completely agree that the other BS deserves to know the truth, I would definitely discourage you from delivering this news without first asking your wife about how she would like to handle this.

While I completely agree that the other BS deserves to know the truth, I would definitely discourage you from delivering this news without first asking your wife about how she would like to handle this.

I second this advice. Your wife and you should decide together the particulars of informing the OBS (other betrayed spouse), in this case, your AP's husband. If your wife was coming here asking us for advice, most of us would tell her that she needs to find a way to let him know on her own and that by telling the OBS, it is one way in which you can test to see if there truly is No Contact, because if her husband found out, confronted her and you were still talking to her via apps, secret emails, etc, you would become aware that your wife told the OBS and likely spill the beans to your wife. Seen it around here many times.

You have to do the work to show your wife that you can be a safe partner again, but at the moment it seems like there hasn't been much done. Have you read the book "how to help your spouse heal" by MacDonald? That book is a great book for a wayward to understand just exactly what they have done to their spouse and family, as well as a good primer to help you understand what you can do in the short term to make yourself a safer partner. I warn you though, the work to becoming a safer partner is not easy nor quick. There are no quick fixes here.

Thanks for the advice on contacting the OBS; I will bring the subject up to my wife. Also, thanks for the advice about the book, I actually just read it Saturday; there is quite a lot of useful sound information that will be helpful moving forward.

Good to hear that you've read the book. Another one that I recommend is "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. I don't know what it was, but her analogies about the marriage, walls and windows were really helpful for me to see where I allowed friendships to be more than friendships. I remember as I read the book that it sounded very much like a friendship that I had years ago at a job where there were clearly mixed signals. While I never crossed any physical line with this woman, I shared a connection with her that was inappropriate for a married man to have, so it was an EA that I really never thought of as anything inappropriate, but years later reading that book, I realized what an ass I had been. If you are anything like me, perhaps reading that book will help you to understand how you can go from an innocent friendship to sharing too much with someone to basically infidelity and it is of course as we say around, a gradual transition. Like the frog boiling in a pot of water. Very few people wake up in the morning, kiss their spouse goodbye, get in the car and say to themselves, "I'm going to have an affair today." It is a series of choices that little by little get you to the point where you are in a full blown affair. The importance is recognizing the thought patterns that pervaded your mind as you made those choices and changing the script with your boundaries.

Cheatinghusband319

To most of your questions that you don't know the answer to my response would be to ask your BS. For example you asked:

Call the other woman's husband, and inform him of the affair.

- not sure on this one, may create some trouble that would impact healing...would anyone else be able to weigh in on this one?

I would definitely ask her re the question above - and expect the exchange to be touchy. Be honest - say that you have been reading advice about how to help your spouse heal from an A and some suggest you and/or your BS contacting the OBS (the other betrayed spouse - to the extent there is one) to let them know of the A. In your case it sounds like there is. I think asking your BS is the best if you want to broach that topic at all.

I am a BS 5 years out and while I don't have any trouble with having sexual relations with my now XWH (we are no longer legally together but still date/are intimate occasionally - weird I know but it works for me) but it waxes and wanes, and I don't think much of that has to do with the A anymore. I know some responses are from people 9 years out who still have issues. in other words - it can be wildly different from person to person. But that being said I wouldn't worry too much about lack of touch at 4 months out. If you look at my recent posts I describe a single day 2 months out where I went to get gas and drove off with the nozzle still in the car - twice in 1 day. I was a mental wreck. I could not tell you now what I felt about touching my WH at that time - but it probably changed 20 times daily. I can tell you that I did not trust him and was a bit scared to get too close because of it. It's a very confusing time.

There is a lot of reading you can do out there to help you and your BS, and I think you are open to actually doing that so I would keep educating yourself, and keep asking your BS what she needs. If she tells you to stop asking, try to set up a schedule to "check in" - in order to curb my excessive hassling of my WH and the angry outbursts I was prone to, I suggested that we check in once a week and I would write down things I wanted to ask/talk about during the week. It worked for us later on - but it may not work for you - everyone is different. But to the extent you are worried the lack of physical touch is a bad "sign" for R at 4 months I wouldn't worry much about that.

I would not have welcomed being notified of the A by ow. No way. No how. I'm still pissed that OBS didn't notify me, but there's no way I would have trusted the ap.

Also, I'm for reading, as long as it's not an excuse for delaying changing. I do think you're on the right track in what you're doing, and I applaud you for that, but just reading about infidelity ... that takes nothing more than a commitment to read, not to change.

Also, you may not see it yet, but note that you're the main beneficiary of changing yourself to become a good partner. Whatever happens with your M, I encourage you to stay on the track you look like you're on.

You may not be able to retrieve your M, but you are fully capable of redeeming yourself.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:48 PM, Tuesday, October 25th]