I'm seven years post D day. Been divorced since 2017, and have had a few relationships since. They've all ended for their own reasons but this last one was different.
I've made a few posts on the last one which was just over two years in length. It was very often great but challenging at the same time. We definitely needed to communicate more and better and connect on a deeper level IMO. Emotional intimacy and deeper was like a disease to her and that always bothered me. I definitely had built up some anger for hurtful things that were said even if not malicious, that added to uncertainty at lease in my mind.
On some level we were perfect and others we were miles apart. Her three divorces and several relationships left her IMO guarded and emotionally distant at times. She liked her space (nothing wrong with that) but at times it seemed almost excessive from my stand point at least as I seemed to need more together time and am much more touchy feely physically and emotionally than she was. Even though we were in a committed relationship she seemed almost commitment phobic as she was mixed if not outright not interested in marriage and I got mixed signals in various forms like expressing interest in changing back to her maiden name and even comments giving uncertainty about a future spending time together in a non-married environment suggesting a long distance relationship being ok if I sold my main residence. There are other examples, at times I just felt uncertain, alone, unloved, and yet fulfilled all rolled into one. She was dismissive and avoident at times, and others pretty damn engaged in her own way.
As I did post mortem, I've been looking at my contribution to the demise. While she had her issues I most definitely contributed as she broke up with me. While generally confident and secure in the relationship I had very vulnerable moments with a lot of very raw emotion that I was medicating, seemed to self sabotage the relationship at times, seemed to have intense anxiety, would "lash out" at times for reasons I didn't understand looking for additional affection or attention when sometimes some had already been given. I didn't understand any of it. It all seemed to manifest after the honeymoon phase. She hung in there through it all for about the year the conflict was more prevalent. We broke up a month ago, reconciled for two weeks and then the same issues erupted again on my part and she pulled the plug for good. I'm finding significant shame and self blame even though she had her own issues.
I'm reading a great book, the Journey Toward Your Success by Kenny Weiss. In it he talks about Fear, Shame and Denial and the cycle of reliving your worst day ever. The chapter on Fear he focuses on the fear of rejection, Inadequacy and fear of powerlessness he asks at the end of the chapter "when and where have you felt rejected/inadequate/powerless in the past and where currently? It was a game changer for me.
I've been to IC a fair amount, but I had an epiphany pondering that question on my recent relationship and my chaotic and trauma filled childhood as well as the infidelity. I realized I have repressed trauma both child related and even adult and fear of abandonment.
For the first time in my life I googled fear of abandonment and began to learn about it in detail. I had textbook symptoms in the relationship, often taking my feelings as facts, the self-sabotaging when there was no rational belief she would betray me, hyper vigilant looking for signs she was losing interest, unexplainable fear something would happen to her, seeking reassurance in a sense to the point it got tiring for us both, looking for signs she was pulling away - it's all clear as day. While she had her shortcomings, described here by at least two contributors, she had me in a box and took me off the shelf when convenient (all true I think but sometimes i wonder), I had some very big unresolved trauma issues that directly led to the end of what was generally speaking a good relationship and what could have been, an even better relationship if we could have toughed it out and done some work. She felt overwhelmed both from the relationship and life events and she couldn't do it any more.
The question I have is, what's been all of your experience post D day and divorce with Fear of Abandonment? Have you had similar experiences that impacted a new relationship?
[This message edited by Kintsugi at 10:20 PM, Friday, November 11th]
