SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I wish I knew then what I know now.
I could have saved so much heartache and pain. Everything could be so different right now.
My choices have ruined everything and hurt the most important person in my life.

I wish I knew how much pain I would cause someone. I wish I knew how much damage I would cause. I wish somebody smacked me and asked me what I was doing. I wish I was smart enough to read a marriage book or dig deeper in therapy before. I wish I questioned myself harder on choices. I wish I thought more of him than myself. I was so selfish, so full of resent,

Now I have no choice but to accept the consequences of my choices. It doesn't matter how much I try to fix myself and work on the marriage, it will never be the same.

Why don't they show you the real consequences in the books? Why don't they show you the pain the movies or TV shows? Do you know how many Greys anatomy episodes I have watched with cheating or lying????

I wish I read the Gottman 7 Principles of Making Marriage Work, or Attached, or The Divorce Remedy, or any books about relationships or cheating before I even considered putting myself in the position to cheat.

I swear I am going to send a copy of Gottman to each newly engaged couple I am friends with.

Well...what happened that you now feel hindsight is 20/20 ?

Oh I do get what you’re saying. I think if the things I’ve done and the person I was and I literally cringe.

I certainly wish I could have seen what type of person I really was. I wish I had been mature enough to really think about what I was about to do and stop. But I was the type of person who had to stick his hand in the flame to prove it wasn’t hot. Ya know, because I believed I was right and everyone else was an idiot.

IMO it’s dangerous to dwell on that type of thinking. Woulda, coulda, shoulda can keep you mired in despair for years. While it can help to use your past as a reference point, it doesn’t and shouldn’t define you.

No stop sign so...

I'm on the other side of the coin as a betrayed spouse and I remember the "I wish" stage well. I went through it. "I wish I could go back in time...." "I wish I would have seen the signs of what he was doing and stopped it sooner before 3 years had passed...."

It's helpful to move through this stage by reminding yourself that all the wishing in the world won't undo the damage that's been done. This stage just keeps you stuck.

What's left? Move forward.

It can be difficult for a betrayed spouse to not lose their mind when a wayward says, "I wish I would have known how hurtful these choices were" or "I wish someone had told me...."

For someone who has also faced difficulties in life and in marriage and has not chosen to cheat because the destructiveness of that choice seems obvious if one has a modicum of empathy and the ability to understand longterm consequences of decisions, it's actually terrifying to hear the person you literally trusted MOST in the world needed specific instruction on the topic of betrayal. To betrayed people, it can feel a bit like, "I don't really need to tell you not to run with scissors or poke someone else with a fork, right?" The potential for harm seems obvious.

So, moving forward looks like this for a wayward who wishes to become a safe partner:

How do I develop more empathetic thinking and actions? How does this become a regular part of how I live my life?

How do I learn to tell the truth to myself (and others) and not avoid, or compartmentalize, or justify destructive thinking or actions?

How do I move beyond guilt and shame to true growth?

How do I live authentically?

How can I show selflessness and care to those I say I love?

I do appreciate your desire to save other couples from this painful road, however. I feel the same and have had more conversations about the importance of communication in marriage with young couples since I have walked this awful road myself.

Woulda, coulda, shoulda can keep you mired in despair for years

Thank you for reminding me. I just remember everything I gave up. Everything I have forced him to give up. How hard I've made everything. Sometimes it just hits me really hard.

So, moving forward looks like this for a wayward who wishes to become a safe partner:

How do I develop more empathetic thinking and actions? How does this become a regular part of how I live my life?

How do I learn to tell the truth to myself (and others) and not avoid, or compartmentalize, or justify destructive thinking or actions?

How do I move beyond guilt and shame to true growth?

How do I live authentically?

How can I show selflessness and care to those I say I love?

These are great things to think about and remind myself of daily.

Sometimes I read in my journals what I thought initially after being caught and compare to how I think now. It's amazing he's even still staying in the same house. He might be sleeping in another room. He might not talk to me for weeks at a time. But he's still here.

It's good to focus on the positive. Truly.