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Ok….my husband has been trickle feeding me truths over the past 8 months. If u have read my other post then u know I want a lie detector and he said he’d divorce me first. To me that just proves he’s still lying or omitting telling me stuff. He’s says it’s bc they aren’t right and he’s not taking it.
Anyway, his therapist pretty much told him not to tell me details. I’m totally against this. My husband says….u know I screwed her. How many times and where and etc doesn’t matter.
I’m sorry, but I disagree. I want the whole story…not the blurb on the back of the freaking book!
This is how I think…..I want u all to tell me how u feel….I think whatever the spouse wants to know then the WP should tell EXCEPT for comparison things. If I ask who’s breast did u like better….then no…don’t answer. If I ask…how many times did u mess around with so-and-so (he admitted to cheating on me with another, but supposedly only kissed and felt her up once…I don’t believe that at all) then I think that is an ok question. And it’s not as much as having to know exactly…it’s more wanting to know bc I feel he’s lying his ass off and the lying is what I CAN’T STAND!!

Stop arguing with him. He expects you to fold, and if this is your regularresponse in the end, all he needs to do is wait you out. Thr greatest power you have is to walk away. File and move forward with your healing. If he suddenly comes to his senses and does the work, great. If not, you will have taken the express route to where you would have ended up anyway.

besides the lying minimizing and omitting.....

the fact that he thinks you believe the lies and he's fooling you is equally ugly.

how much self-delusion does it take to make someone feel they are so much smarter?

As a BS anything that matters to you, should indeed matter to him. That is if saving your marriage matters.

In the Healing Library on this website are the Articles. In the Discovery/Confrontation category is "Joseph's Letter". It is a good article about getting the details of the affair. Joseph had written this letter to his wife explaining "Why" it mattered. Maybe you could use it to write a similar letter to your husband.

For some reason early this morning I went back and read it again. Maybe it could help you.

When they don’t disclose, then they have secrets with the AP. They are still in the affair by hiding details from you. You deserve to know what needs to be forgiven. Stand your ground.

You get to ask anything, whatever you want to know he needs to provide. You get to decide what you want to know, it's not up to him. You get what you need, if he won't provide it, the decision of what to do next is yours. If he wants to be with you he should be doing everything you want. don't let him not give you what you need. He doesn't know what you need, only you know.

So how do you think this "reconciliation" is going?

He refuses to disclose details

He won’t take a polygraph test

His therapist is giving him shady advice (according to your H)

He doesn’t appear to be doing much to help you as the betrayed spouse.

Just give him the ultimatum...

Either a polygraph or you will file for divorce.

Make it a simple choice for him .

And follow thru , it's really that simple.

Good luck

And it’s not as much as having to know exactly…it’s more wanting to know bc I feel he’s lying his ass off and the lying is what I CAN’T STAND!!

Is it really the lying, or is it the attitude of the liar? Would you be fine with a detailed written timeline, with a passing polygraph to confirm everything he has stated is true?

The lying is a symptom. The lack of remorse is the real issue at hand--the brazen attitude; his lines in the sand; his total lack of empathy. The truth, or lack thereof, is just some more salt for the wound.

Ihatelying, you have to believe you have the power to demand the truth or walk away. I'll give you my story so it helps hopefully, 2015 I caught my STBXH is ONE affair, He lied, said it was one, how could I think there was anymore...went to MC. proclaimed the same.

The good SI folks here said my STBXH was way too masterful in his cheating and suggested a poly. STBXH finally agreed since I had filed D. Night before the poly, STBXH admitted to 13 more affair partners. He passed the poly the next day based on the "new revelation". Long story short, we signed a post-nuptial with infidelity in 2016 and STBXH has cheated again.

Get your poly.Much love CT101

Why should he tell you the truth? Your actions have shown him that he has nothing to lose by continuing to lie.

Thanks u all. 💜
He says his conscience is clear now bc he told me everything. Yeah well, I’m so happy for him🙄. What about my peace of mind??
And yes, if he took the polygraph and passed, I’d feel 90% better. There would always be that 10% that wonders if the right questions were asked, but yea, I’d be able to move forward. I’ve told him all this and he’s doesn’t believe me. I think what he’s told me is the truth…that’s not the Provo. It’s what he’s not telling and omitting. There are at least two more people that have offered him sex. He supposedly said no. I can’t go by my natural reaction bc these women are…yuck. The two he did mess with are yuck too. 🙄
And I guess I shouldn’t say yuck…sigh…just drugs and a ho. He admits to them offering.
He says he only had sex with one chick twice in the 8 months that they were messing around. Really?🙄
I told him if that was the truth then he’s a dumb ass for not screwing her as often as he could since he was throwing our marriage away anyway. He says it doesn’t matter if he screwed hers twice or 30 times. I should be satisfied with just knowing they had sex and any details would just make me feel worse, but that he’s telling the truth though. It’s just things that don’t "feel" the truth and I have to go with my gut.
We go to individual therapist, but we are having a hard time finding a marriage counselor bc of insurance.
And yes, it’s his lack of empathy that doesn’t help either. I know he’s sorry, but deep down he blames me for his cheating. He says he knows it’s all his fault, but that I pushed him to it. Lol
I told him that instead of him agreeing to fix our marriage over the years, he’s waited til now to get help and it’s a little too late. I used a car for an example…. Your car starts breaking down. First one thing and then another, but u choose not to fix it until it kicks the bucket and not drivable anymore. Then the car needs sooooo much work that u don’t even know where to start and I feel like just throwing in the towel bc it would take too long and too much work and it still might not start.

I will go read the letter u suggested..thank u.

One of the first things you need after discovery of an affair is to regain some sense of safety in your world.

If you're trying to consider R, then you need some safety established in the marriage.

Tall order since the person who betrayed is the person you are now seeking some safety from. Nonetheless, it IS possible. But the WS must be willing to do anything s/he can to provide it.

He is not.

That leaves you feeling unsafe and super vulnerable. Because you are.

Full disclosure is all about starting to establish some safety. It shows a WS willing to do what you need. It shows some modicum of honesty. It can be a clean slate (once you process the horror of it all) to begin anew. Healthy relationships have honesty and transparency baked in. Yours does not. He needs to start with full disclosure and recognize that a healthy marriage with you needs to always include transparency.

If he won't take the first step, you don't have much to work with here.

My advice would be stop begging. You've told him what you need. Work on detaching yourself emotionally. Focus on you, your healing and your health. Let him sit in his stew of dishonesty ALONE.

It's typical for therapists to recommend that WS's not share sexual details. The reasoning is that every new detail creates a new trigger and makes R harder to achieve. I do agree with that... as long as it's voluntary on the part of the BS. And THAT is the part where therapists fail.

In R, the most important thing is to reestablish a baseline of honesty. EVERYTHING builds from there. Without honesty, there's no possibility of building new trust, and without trust, even if that trust is a work-in-progress, there's no point to the whole endeavor. It is wise for a BS to consider her questions BEFORE asking them. Morbid curiosity serves no purpose. But once those questions are considered, she needs to KNOW with all confidence that the WS will answer honestly. That's the basic price of admission into R... the truth.

Infidelity robs us of our agency. Giving you whatever facts you require to make your choices is what returns your agency to you. And because you've been at this for eight months now with your WH refusing to give you what you ask, whatever vestiges of trust that might have been left have been demolished by his recalcitrance.

I think there's a possibility too that you have set it up in your mind that getting the truth will fix things, that maybe you've linked the lie detector to proof of love. He's got no credibility at this point and you can't believe anything he tells you. The more he fights you on the lie detector, the less he can be trusted, and the less you can believe he loves you. That might be true, but it also might NOT be true. I do think it's okay to leave room for clarifying that issue. What seems clear though is that his comfort is a larger priority to him than yours.

At a certain point, you're going to need to decide if you can live with that kind of selfishness and failure of empathy. It's been eight months. There's no reason to believe that he's going to make changes. He's offering you half a loaf and it looks like that's the only offer you're going to get from him. Is that enough for you?