Last night, I had a very vivid dream that involved a catastrophe scenario. In it, I was in charge of a new home that was more like a resort. I'm not sure I owned it, but there was going to be hell to pay if it wasn't in perfect shape. My latest ex-husband was there, as was my current boyfriend, and my father, who passed almost two years ago, and my dog.
In the dream, I was trying to clean a floor. My dad was helping me, and I was very thankful he was doing so, as I trusted he would do a good job and I could trust his judgment and his approach to get the floor cleaned up.
Then there was a situation where I was trying to clean up after my dog, and my XH came in and looked at the mess, and just shrugged his shoulders and wandered off. Then my current BF came in and told me he didn't think much of my ex (which I agreed with, as my ex has never been any good in a crisis situation) and started trying to help me clean up after the dog. He was helpful, but I didn't trust him like I trusted my dad.
I woke up from the dream at 2 a.m. and something was perfectly clear. I don't trust men because I always had trust issues with my dad. Despite the fact that, for the last 15 years of his life, we had a great relationship, before then, it was kind of a shit show. He was a perfectionist, and very hard on me as a child. Not to mention, we were both alcoholics. I sobered up at 38, and came to accept him as he was, and we built a pretty good friendship by the time he died. I was the only one in our immediate family that actually liked him. Since he died, my mother has donned her rose-colored glasses and claims they were one of the world's greatest love stories (they were NOT), but still says he was a bad father. My brother still vilifies my dad to this day.
When I woke up, my mind went to the fact that I knew my dad was imperfect and flawed, but still trusted him the most. I knew "the nature of the beast" and still trusted him. I knew my XH was a complete waste of time, kind of a non-entity. And I wanted to trust my BF, but feared he didn't know what I wanted enough to help me solve my problems in this scenario.
I woke up and immediately came to the realization that a person doesn't have to be perfect to be trusted. They can even be deeply flawed and still worthy of a degree of trust.
It bears mention that when I woke up at 2 a.m., my BF was not in bed, but I could hear him snoring out on the couch. As I was falling back asleep, he came back into bed. He left for work this morning as I was just waking up, gave me a kiss, and told me that he loved me. My mind went right back to this dream and trying to untangle it.
I realize that I have a very weak foundation for trusting men in general. I also realize that a man doesn't have to be perfect to be worthy of my trust. As a matter of fact, to trust somebody implicitly is probably a bad idea, as I am not perfect, and should not expect anyone else to be. To demand that anyone else be perfect is a LOT to put on them, not to mention unrealistic. Trust comes in degrees over time and has limits.
Right now, as my BF and I are getting used to living together, we are learning a LOT about each other. For example, he doesn't like tomatoes (good - neither do I) or my favorite brand of TP. 
Big stuff! But it's the kind of little things that you know about each other that enable you to be a well-oiled machine and take good care of each other.
It's just going to take some time.
After all, he's trustworthy, never too far away, even if he's not exactly where I expect him to be, and he's consistent. He's doing everything right to earn my trust, and he's not even actively trying to earn it.
Thank you dad for showing me this. I miss you terribly. Thank you for the gift. It was just what I needed and I didn't even know I needed it.
