SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Been with my husband for 17 years.8 years ago I thought he was cheating. I put a hidden app on his phone that would allow me to turn on his microphone and record. I recorded him having sex with someone in his car at work.I Still have not figured out who it was. But people at his work new that it happened. Almost like agging him on. I was gonna leave him and take the kids But I just couldn't do it. I chose to stay for all the things that he had done right. And not end it over the 1 thing he did wrong. I decided at the time That it wasn't worth Ending my marriage over Because we have 3 children. We recently moved to a new state. And he got a new job. And I really wanna put the app back on his phone. But a huge part of me is telling me not to because even if I know I don't think I'll do anything about it. He has no idea that I know. Or that I still have the recordings. I want to tell him that I know But I don't think it would do any good other than getting the truth out. To be honest I don't think that I want him to know I know, I just want him to tell me who it was. Having the burden of knowing this secret makes me question everything he tells me. I was able to shove it aside for so long, but the move is Recreating All of the thoughts and feelings in my heart and my mind. I feel like it is tearing my soul apart. I know they say about 65% of women stay married after their husbands cheat, but how do they cope? What things do they do to help when all the feeling coming crashing in like waves and you can't stop them?

[This message edited by smilingme at 3:16 PM, Saturday, January 28th]

I'm not sure what your hoping to get posting here. This site is dedicated to surviving infidelity in whatever form that survival takes. It sounds like you are more inclined to enduring infidelity.

From what you wrote, I think that deep down, you know that the path you've chosen isn't healthy for you. 8 years ago, you suffered a trauma and have left it untreated. I'm sure it has taken a toll on you. Now you are faced with a possible second traumatic event and you are defaulting to survival/protection mode in order to lessen the pain. It's like learning to live with the pain of a sliver rather than dig it out.

Rugsweeping never works. The human brain just isnt built for it. Rather than look for validation or the choice you made 8 years ago, you might want to dig into the reasons you didn't confront then and are disinclined to confront now. A good IC can help you do that, or some good literature as well. I'm currently reading The Body Keeps Score, but would recommend Cheating in a Nutshell as well. I can't comment on the first text, but the second text takes an evolutionary psychology approach to what happens in the mind of a BS after betrayal. It puts words to all that contradictory crap that was swirling around my head after Dday. It also gave me permission to feel what I felt and told me I was normal and not some freak.

You're going to get some good advice here as posters respond. I'd consider it seriously. As a resource, the aggregate wisdom of this place is unmatched and invaluable. For my advice, I'd tell you to change your mindset from simply enduring to doing. You have one precious life. Is this the way to live it?

Justsomeguy. Thank you for the information on the books and for the things for me to think about.

[This message edited by smilingme at 3:37 PM, Saturday, January 28th]

Welcome to SI I’m sorry you are going through this. Please understand that infidelity is abuse and you are allowing yourself to suffer in silence. No one here is going to encourage rug sweeping, we are here to encourage survival of infidelity. Please look around, read the stories and the healing library.

We all have been in your shoes, afraid to make a move, we don’t want to upset our lives. But imagine how it will feel on the other side of this. I wish you the best.

Tanner. You are the 2nd person to use the term rug sweeping. I will have to look into that. I guess I was hoping to find other people who are married to high end/musician type partners that also deal with this kind of life style to see how they cope. Are you trying to say the ONLY way to survive infidelity is if your partner knows that you know?

[This message edited by smilingme at 4:02 PM, Saturday, January 28th]

I encourage you to read as much on this website as you can. There's a link above called the healing Library which will have some helpful links. The other thing that will be very helpful to you is to go through the listing of topics in this forum (called "just Found Out") and read a few of the very long threads from beginning to end. You'll gain a lot of insight about how the Betrayed Spouse feels and how many of them react upon finding out they're living a lie as well as learning the types of things that are recommended in order to survive infidelity. You might be doing OK for the moment but it will all catch up with you one day, I guarantee it. And believe me, it's better to deal with these things when you're still young.

Deep down, you know you have to do something with what you know. I would suggest you start counseling and work through all this with someone who understands the trauma of infidelity. Finding a good counselor can be tricky so do keep posting here and you'll get a lot of guidance from people who have been there and done that.

We all wish you a big welcome to the biggest club you never wanted to join.

Thank you! I have been reading through others posts like crazy looking for tips. The Newbies forum is really helping.

Tanner. You are the 2nd person to use the term rug sweeping.

It’s ignoring it and not dealing with it.

I’m not sure about musician specific cheaters, but they all follow some of the same patterns and characteristics.

You are the 2nd person to use the term rug sweeping. I will have to look into that.

Imagine you sweep up your living room, but instead of throwing out what's in your dustpan, you hide it under the rug. It doesn't make the dust and dirt go away. The more you do it, the bigger the mound(s) under the rug get. Your living room isn't clean, and you (and those you live with, or guests in your house) are expected to walk all over a bumpy rug and act like it's totally normal.

By ignoring your WS (wayward spouse)'s infidelity, and pretending you don't know, your marriage is like the rug in that scenario. Instead of a clean living room/good marriage, you have a lumpy rug with dirt under it/a marriage that doesn't have trust, honesty, transparency or clear communication. And while you might think your kids or friends don't notice the lumps in the rug/problems in your marriage, they're probably more aware than you think they are.

I guess I was hoping to find other people who are married to high end/musician type partners that also deal with this kind of life style to see how they cope. Are you trying to say the ONLY way to survive infidelity is if your partner knows that you know?

I would start by looking at yourself, and asking why you're willing to cope with this abuse/mistreatment from your partner. Is it fear? Are you worried about being able to support your children? Or you scared you'll never find love again?

IC (independent counseling AKA seeing a therapist on your own, NOT MC or marriage counseling) might help you start to unpack this. If you're afraid of what the future hold, you might want to check out the "New Beginnings" or "Reconciliation" Forums, and see how others have survived and thrived after infidelity.

Thank you! I have been reading through others posts like crazy looking for tips. The Newbies forum is really helping.

I think what you'll find out is the betrayal of infidelity is a trauma. You suffered a trauma. You'll also find out infidelity is a form of abuse. You were abused.

As humans, we have a huge capacity to love and to do the things we need to do to protect our families and we're able to cope with it all until we can't cope with it anymore. And it's possible you're reaching that point and that's why you sought out a place to seek advice. So give yourself permission to quit being super human and just be you. Figure out if you still love him. Figure out what you'll do if he's still cheating. Is your love for him strong enough to survive it a second time? What would your finances look like if he leaves you for another woman? Would you be able to survive? Having the answers to all the possibilities takes away the fear, fear that keeps us from saving ourselves. And once we get rid of the fear that is so debilitating, our future path is so much easier to see. Having the answers gives us the power to make the changes we need to make to take away that fear. For you it might mean getting a job or taking continuing education classes to prepare you for a good job. You might find that exercise empowers you.

I hope that all makes sense. My mind is churning faster than I can interpret it today.

'Burying your head in the sand' is another term that means the same as 'rug-sweeping'.

My imagination says that performers get propositioned so much that it's hard to say 'no' every time. If that's true, what does a partner of a performer feel? Angry? Sad? Afraid? Ashamed? At your gut level, what do you feel if you contemplate being betrayed?

What does the partner of a performer do in response to infidelity? Sit back and say nothing? D? Attack the partner or the affair partner (ap)?

You can't control your H. You control only yourself. How do you want to respond to further infidelity?

So far you've decided to accept his infidelity 8 years ago. How do you know he hasn't cheated since then? How do you know he won't decide to leave you in the lurch when he meets someone who demands it?

I'm not saying you should D. I am saying that you need to ask yourself some very pointed questions, and I'm saying you need to plan what you will do in the face of any disaster.

I agree that it was and is trauma I am trying to deal with. I have no fear of doing things on my own. With just me and my kids. I am a strong, educated, and have had to solely support us before. I don't know why I am scared to tell him that I know. I guess a part of me thinks that him having secrets is also in a way torturing him too. That his secrets- he thinks I don't know are causing him pain. And in a way I find comfort in that. I know that sounds really bad And I hate to think of it that way. To be honest I think that thought has been what has allowed me to cope as long as I have.
That day while I was doing the recording I recorded for many hours. The last recording I have from that day is sitting in his truck crying So I know he has remorse.

[This message edited by smilingme at 5:30 PM, Saturday, January 28th]

So sorry you're here, and welcome to SI. Yes, we have members whose WS (wayward spouse) is a musician. One is a fairly regular poster, so I hope she'll weigh in. They were able to R (reconcile), which takes a lot of work from both partners.

Gently, you're projecting your thought process on him, and you don't really know if it's bothering him. If he's a serial cheater, then there are bigger problems.

Why don't you want to tell him you know so that he can work to be a safe partner? Some people don't want to change, but you won't find out until you discuss the issue.

Also, he could be putting your health at risk. Some STD/STI diseases can develop into cancer. Please take care of you and put yourself first for a change.

ETA: the Healing Library has a list of the acronyms we use.

[This message edited by leafields at 5:12 PM, Saturday, January 28th]

Little bit more history... 3 months after the deed he almost died. Was in the hospital for 6 weeks and then PT for 3 months. After that he quit his job. We moved on with a life of always being around each other. We moved into a new house, I started working full time and he became a stay at home dad. He had not fully recovered physically yet and then Covid hit. We moved 6 months ago and he decided to try to go back to work full time and Have me do the stay at home thing to see how it works out. I think me not Knowing 100%Where he is and what he's doing Is what's making all these feelings come back again. I don't believe that he is a serial cheater. He Wakes up at night From nightmares crying About me leaving, me taking the kids, or the kids hating him for something he did. Little comments And things that he says Make me aware Of the torture he's putting himself through.

[This message edited by smilingme at 5:33 PM, Saturday, January 28th]

By not confronting him, you set yourself up for a lifetime of pain,and stds. Because a man who gets away with it,will do it again.

His profession means nothing. He doesn't get a pass because he's a musician.

Never reveal your sources. Never tell him about the app. Once he knows how you know,he will be more careful.

You must confront. Because he's still very much a wayward. There's more to being a wayward, than just not cheating. He's also a liar. He's risked your health. The chances that you caught it the one and only time is very slim. The chances that he will continue are very high.

You need to respect yourself enough to not tolerate this abuse. And,yes,it's abuse. Very much so.

If you believe he is regretful, then all the more reason to confront. It gives him the chance to become a better man.

But he is not remorseful. If he was,he would confess. Remorse is about how he's hurt you. He may be regretful,but remorse only happens when there's honesty.

What you write it seems like he’s done things he’s ashamed of and does not want you to find out but they are eating him alive. I think he’s living in misery and you are living in misery. That is not a life that’s a jail sentence. I’m not going to tell you to talk to him about it but you need to do some thing. Usually I suggest going to individual therapy but in this case I think a marriage counselor might help the two of you to be more honest with each other.

He cried in the car. He wakes up,after a nightmare, and is worried about you leaving him. You taking the kids.

It's all "me,me,me."

None of that is about you. It's all about how getting caught will affect him.

Also..you heard him crying. Maybe she broke up with him,and his tears weren't about feeling bad about what he'd done.

[This message edited by HellFire at 6:35 PM, Saturday, January 28th]

I guess I should have wrote I recorded for months before it happened. And for the months following. I think it was a non-relationship encounter. I don't feel like it has happened again because he did not have the opportunity. Now I fear that he does and he might consider it again.

Gently,all that means is that his phone was nearby,in a very small area(car) this time. It doesn't factor out the thousands of other times his phone could have been left in another room, or a different area.

You want to believe this is the only time. Of course you do. Chances are it wasn't.

But..let's say it was. One time is still incredibly horrible,and a huge betrayal. It still has put your life at risk. He still got away with it,and will believe he can again. He's still lying to you. Every day.