SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

[sorry all, deleted this as not ready to shared it] x

Edit: thanks all for your encouragement, I was able to share my story for the first time below.

[This message edited by Meridiana at 3:27 PM, Friday, February 24th]

Whenever you are ready...we'll be here for you (((HUGS))).

OP welcome to SI, we understand how you feel and how frightening it is to put your most personal business out there. There are lots of us that have walked in your shoes. I want to assure you that its safe and anonymous here, your comments are not searchable. I encourage you to jump and let us help you when you are ready.

There are some pinned posts in the JFO (Just Found Out) forum that you might find helpful.

What I wanted to let you know is that it isn't anything that you did or didn't do, said or didn't say, that caused the cheating. Your wayward could have done many things other than betray you to get through the issue.

We're here when you need us.
ETA: We call things an emotional roller coaster, which is really a trauma response. Intimate betrayal causes trauma. If you can, start individual counseling (IC) with a betrayal trauma specialist.

[This message edited by leafields at 4:11 AM, Friday, February 24th]

Hi All

thank you so much for your messages; I'm not used to share personal things online, so I confess I'm a bit scared but I have tried to reply to posts more "indirect" and I have been reading a lot of your experiences/posts which I have found somewhat comforting.

What happened with my H was a total shock, mainly because we never had any serious issues in 10yrs of marriage and I couldn't think he would be able to betray me for something so meaningless.

To give a bit of a background, we were going through a difficult year with a lot of stress at work (staff shortage and long hours), family sickness and in the end, my mother's suicide; this is what I think tanked our communication as I had no idea how to process what happened, especially due to the not so great relationship I had with her and unfortunately I ended up seeking therapy too late into grieving when I had shut down completely. H started being distant, switched off, he was not interested in anything including his own hobbies and was just angry at work. I thought he may need some alone time to recharge and reconnect with himself so I suggested him to spend some time at his parents (also closer to work so the journey would have been significantly shorter and could have more sleep), he initially refused to go as wanted to stay with me, but then agreed and I think it only made things worse as its like he became a different person. During the two weeks apart, he wanted to keep in touch and, if the first week was like talking to a stranger, towards the last days before he came back he seemed more warm; when he came home things were still awkward but I tried hard to be supportive and show him that I cared about him. The time apart was really hard for me, I was crying every day not understanding what I did wrong and how to get the man I loved back... for the first time ever, I felt loneliness.
One damn night few days after he came back home, he went out with his friends and, when he rang later in the evening, he said he would stay over as he wanted to have a couple of drinks (he is not a drinker, barely has a beer); I knew something was wrong and I asked him to come home, but he didn't... after seeing his mates, he got an hotel room and called in a prostitute.
It took him three weeks to crumble and admit to his ONS that night: he said he regretted it right after, he felt disgusted with himself and knew he had ruined our marriage, and it took him a while to take the courage to admit what he did cos he was scared of losing me and felt ashamed. I knew he did something that night, but I was hoping my gut feeling was wrong, I was hoping my caring and loving husband would never do something like this, would never hurt me.
I had a lot of questions and I did ask for details, he also agreed to MC which I appreciated as he is not the type that opens up to anyone and struggles with emotions, but during the sessions he was honest and vulnerable, same for our conversations and I've found out insecurities and issues he never shared before. Regarding the ONS, he said he didn't want an emotional connection and that was the easier way, he didn't pick a younger-stunning lady as he said he didn't feel comfortable and didn't care about looks, and he didn't do anything "special" or unnormal, he said he didn't want to look at her and described it as a bad masturbation. Also no kissing, touching as less as possible, so you can imagine the two things they did which is why in my head I was asking myself what was the point as it was nothing worth doing - I ended up asking him and he said it was a stupid decision made by a foolish man that didn't realise what he was going to lose, that he didn't get what he thought he wanted and would take it back if he could. He himself can't believe he was capable of doing such a thing, he is still ashamed and angry at himself, and thought he was a better man. During the MC he said he felt like he was someone else during that period, he didn't realise I was having issues processing my grieving and he thought I was always angry at him and didn't want him anymore; he admitted always having been worried he was not enough for me and that I would find someone better. He apologised for not supporting me during my grieving and for not communicating. His family said he spent his time in the house when not at work during the time he stayed over, he was ignoring everyone including his nephews whom he adores, and he admitted gambling online.

Since he admitted to the ONS, he has been transparent about what happened that night as well as his emotions leading to it, including sharing something he was never able to say to anyone. He showed me his phone and changed his phone number as I felt uncomfortable that that person had it, he showed me the bank statements as well as let me monitor his finances to help him and has not played online since. He is being supportive and looking out for triggers, he noticed I get winded up by some scenes on TV and he immediately holds me tight asking if I'm ok and repeats that he loves me. Even if it hurts him, he still talks about what happened if I need to. He wants to be a better man, not take me for granted and show me he loves me.
According to the MC we both got lost and I honestly believe my H is remorseful. Also, both tested for STD.

What I'm finding hard is accepting, as I don't think I have fully accepted what happened, I know it has and I know there is nothing one can do to erase it, but I can't seem to accept it. I also have mood swings where I start crying thinking about it, H said he finds it hard when I switch from ok to desperate cos he feels powerless and knows I'm in this state because of him.
What I meant on the title of this post is that even when I'm doing ok and I'm even happy cos H organised a date, or we are laughing for something on the TV or we are simply cuddling on the sofa with a cuppa, there is this voice in my head that goes "Why aren't you sad? Did you forget what happened?" it's like my brain is telling me that I need to be in pain all the times.
I still hurt, can't help to let my head wonder back to that night and I just need to cry. I'm not sure IC is of any further use, I have been doing IC since I was very young for other things and it can only go that far imho... I am the one that needs to make the next steps towards healing.
I've shared some posts with H, especially the "Things every WS need to know" one which he has read and found very helpful and he said he understands things better now, including my reactions. I know we have a long way ahead of us, it may have not been an A but even if it was "just an ONS", it broke my heart and yes, he said he will always have to live with what he has done to me, but so do I. Yet I don't want this to be the end for us and we both want to overcome this and have a happy marriage again.

Thanks whoever will read this.

Meridiana….I’m so sorry you’re here. Hugs to you on this roller coaster. All I can say, is you’ve been through a lot. Take care of you. Do whatever you need to fill your cup.

Thanks Ladybugmaam, appreciated it.

Thank you Meridiana for trusting us with your post. It IS scary to reach out at a very vulnerable time like this. I have never been one to talk about my marriage...especially to a bunch of strangers! My H and I decided to not tell others about his affair...and we didn't go to counseling. I needed to talk to SOMEONE other than the person who put me in this infidelity hell...and Thank God I found this site!!! The wonderful people on here helped me in ways that no one else could because they KNEW what I was going through. Although the cheating part is usually very similar...recovering from the betrayal takes many paths. Please remember that we are all here to HELP...so take what you feel FITS for you from our posts...and leave the rest.

Your H confessing to his ONS is a good thing. Your GUT telling you something wasn't right is also very good. ALWAYS trust your GUT!! It seems that your H is doing all of the right things...and that will go a long way in helping you to HEAL from this.

There are a few things I learned that might help you understand some of what is happening with you. I read about the "limbic lag" on here once. When I researched it...I found it was about our limbic system which gives us our instinctive responses...our flight...fight...or freeze responses to certain experiences. Our brains are pretty amazing...and our "lizard brain" records EVERY experience we have. When a similar experience happens...it immediately responds to "protect" us. It doesn't matter if the experience is 10 seconds old...or 10 years old. Lizard brain reacts instinctively...automatically.

...there is this voice in my head that goes "Why aren't you sad? Did you forget what happened?" it's like my brain is telling me that I need to be in pain all the times.

You are very in tune here Dear Lady! What you feel from this COULD be your limbic system "warning" you. The experience you had when your H confessed was very traumatic. Your lizard brain is trying to protect you from this experience happening again. Your reaction is a very NORMAL reaction...even though logically...you truly don't feel like you are in danger.

The issue is...our limbic system doesn't respond to logic...only experiences. The GOOD news is...our lizard brain CAN be retrained! We can't do it by logic though...ONLY by experience. Your H giving you good experiences through his actions will help to calm your lizard brain down. Knowledge is POWER. Knowing that this is what may be happening will help you to stay mindful of the experience you are having at the moment. By focusing on the GOOD experience...you can counteract the negative warning that your lizard brain is giving you.

What I'm finding hard is accepting, as I don't think I have fully accepted what happened, I know it has and I know there is nothing one can do to erase it, but I can't seem to accept it.

I was the SAME way. HOW IN THE WORLD could I ACCEPT the unacceptable??!! I was saying the Serenity Prayer over and over again...wanting desperately to ACCEPT that this happened so I could move forward. I was STUCK in this never ending cycle of trying...only to have it slap me in the face with what happened. Then I would get upset and want to give up...and the cycle would start all over again.

One day I was watching a documentary on Animal Planet. The commentator stated something about animals having to ADAPT to their new environment. Those that didn't adapt...died. That was my AHA moment!! I was a SURVIVOR!!! I didn't HAVE to ACCEPT anything about my H's A...but I sure could ADAPT to my new environment!! Changing my perspective from accepting to adapting made a HUGE difference in my healing process.

...it may have not been an A...

Dear Lady...you were betrayed in a way that destroys marriages. This type of betrayal causes trauma that is like no other (((HUGS))). It very definitely broke your heart...we completely understand that. Even though our betrayals may all be different...the PAIN of being betrayed is still the same for ALL of us. What your H did KILLED your precious M...and there is nothing anyone can do to bring that back. What you HAD is gone forever.

Yet I don't want this to be the end for us and we both want to overcome this and have a happy marriage again.

THIS is a GREAT start!! EVERY A...including the ONS...is a dealbreaker. PERIOD. Both parties have to decide if they want to make a NEW deal...or just void the contract altogether and go for D. It looks like y'all have BOTH decided to make a new deal...AWESOME!!! Reconciliation cannot work unless BOTH parties are ALL IN. Y'all are very much on your way to getting through this and having a happy M again!

R is HARD. It isn't linear either. I always say that three steps forward and two steps back is still PROGRESS!!! Y'all have taken some pretty awesome steps forward. There WILL be some steps backward from time to time. But as long as you BOTH work toward a happy M...you WILL achieve your goal!!

Gently, sister-in-pain, you've had a traumatic year capped by the further trauma of being betrayed by your partner. It takes time and effort to recover. You're not jeopardizing your healing. You're going through the process of healing.

Some of us heal by withdrawing and licking our wounds. Some of us do it by being with people. Some of us heal by doing some of both. The process of healing requires, I believe, feeling the pain, because you can't let something go unless you have it. And feeling pain is simply painful.

I know you feel awful. It's a normal part of the healing process. Don't beat yourself up for feeling awful. Congratulate yourself instead.

Want2BHappyAgain said it PERFECTLY.

I want to reiterate to you Meridiana, that you are safe here. Sharing these very painful, agonizing experiences feels so vulnerable - trust me, I stalked this site for 3-4 weeks at least before I signed up and then it was another 3 weeks before I found the courage to make my first post. I felt all the shame, humiliation, pain of the betrayal. But I realized it’s HIS shame not mine - why do I have to feel ashamed for what HE did? My husband had an EA in 2012, for 3 months then it became a PA for 1 month before we started to R. It took years before I felt like I was grounded again. Then - my H betrayed my trust again recently. I was like you - my instinct was gnawing at me that something wasn’t right. I started to dig and found that he had contacted a woman (a family friend, go figure) right before Christmas and they were exchanging flirty messages. I discovered it about 1 week after he contacted her - so even though it was "only" a week of this BS, the damage was done and I was DEVASTATED. I was so re-traumatized by this that I felt like I was back in 2012 dealing with the most heart wrenching pain imaginable. Like Want2B said - our actual experiences may be different, but what we feel is so similar. We were betrayed by the person we put so much TRUST and faith in. How and why does this happen? I was lucky to have an amazing IC who helped me navigate this back in 2012. It was a husband and wife team who specializes in betrayal trauma, infidelity etc. H went to his IC who was the husband part of the IC team, and I saw the lady. We did NOT attempt MC until wayyyy later - at least a year I believe. Sometimes I wish I didn’t know who the woman was in 2012 (it was a someone he went to HS with) and I feel the same way about the recent event w/ the family friend. Would it have helped me feel better if it was a ONS? Gosh I don’t know - it is ALL so painful and horrible. It sounds like you are on your way to R and healing. Just remember, it takes time - and again, to reiterate what Want2B said - it’s not linear. Sometimes you will make great progress, then you’ll have a setback. That’s ok! Just keep pushing through - keep finding ways to work through this - preferably with the help of your IC (or MC). Also - what worked for some may not work for your situation. Find what does work, find what fits YOUR needs and go from there. We are all at different places in our journeys. Good luck to you!!

[This message edited by Blackbird25 at 5:12 PM, Friday, February 24th]

Thanks for your messages, I'm glad I've found this forum, aside from sharing our pain, I can see a lot of wonderful people giving hope and positiveness.

Want2BHappyAgain - I actually read a lot of your posts and your positive attitude is inspiring!
Thank you so much for reading my story and answering me.
I wasn't aware of the limbic lag, thanks for explaining it, it's nice to know it's not me going mad!

By focusing on the GOOD experience...you can counteract the negative warning that your lizard brain is giving you.

Thanks for the advice, I really want to focus on the good we have now and the good ahead and not constantly be in the black hole of sadness.

There WILL be some steps backward from time to time. But as long as you BOTH work toward a happy M...you WILL achieve your goal!!

We definitely want this and I can speak for H too cos he is trying to mend and rebuilt our M.

sisoon - thanks for your words. It was indeed an awful year, but yes I'm still standing despite everything. And you are right about having to feel the pain
Thank you kindly.

Blackbird25 - thanks for your message. I'm sorry to read about your experience and yes you are correct in saying that even if the betrayals differs, we all share the pain of being betrayed by the one person we trusted most. I'm glad to hear you have an amazing IC, I have to say our therapist is very good, aside from making me see things on a different prospective, she helped H open up as he never done any sort of therapy before and he was nervous about it. The fact that a family friend was in contact with your H is horrible, I'm not sure how I would have reacted in your position but I hope you are healing from this. It is indeed a hard journey, but I hope to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Big hugs to all, thanks again for your messages x

What I meant on the title of this post is that even when I'm doing ok and I'm even happy cos H organised a date, or we are laughing for something on the TV or we are simply cuddling on the sofa with a cuppa, there is this voice in my head that goes "Why aren't you sad? Did you forget what happened?" it's like my brain is telling me that I need to be in pain all the times.

This stood out for me. I went through something similar. Whenever I smiled, laughed, felt even a modicum of happiness or contentment, there was always that underlying sadness. It just permeated everything. It was always there, that dark thread, that knowledge that this thing happened to me and now nothing I did was ever going to erase it. It was hard to deal with, still is. I have found genuine moments of happiness where I don't feel that darkness anymore. All I can say is it takes time and effort.

My "aha" moment came when I read (for perhaps the thousands time-but it never clicked) that I should take care of myself. Do things that make me happy. Be selfish! As a mom that was the HARDEST thing I have ever done. Selfish? Think only of myself? How could I do that? But when I did, I felt a great weight lift off my shoulders. It didn't fix everything of course, but when I stopped worrying about my WH and just focused on myself, I found that I could indeed find moments of happiness. And if I could do that on my own, perhaps, in time, with his help, we might find moments of happiness together.

What you are experiencing is normal and unfortunately it isn't something that disappears quickly or on its own. You have to pro-actively work against it. It's not easy and it's not fun, but it can be done. I have hope that some day it will work for me. I'm still in the "process" myself. One step at a time! You can do this!

Thanks Fournlau. It's comforting knowing it's not an isolated feeling even if horrible.

It is definitely something that I need to work on myself.
H took me out for dinner tonight and we were having a nice time, when the little voice started again but this time I said no, cos I was having a lovely dinner and I wanted to enjoy it. So yes, the thought is always there but for the first time I could move it aside and concentrate on the present as I was advised to do on this post. Little victory for tonight!
Thanks for the encouragement, I hope you will make it too!

I can totally relate to what you are describing and very rarely have experience it anymore. You cannot control the lizard brain but you can re train it. I remember the guilt and panic of letting my guard down around my wife. We would be having a great time together and all of a sudden I went into protection mode, and put my wall up.

I remember going through all the "what if" scenarios in my head. Pilots train repeatedly on emergency procedures. When an actual emergency pops up they are prepared for it and have trained their brain how to respond. Its muscle memory, I practiced these "what if" scenarios in my head so much it was really setting me and my W back in our healing. It became obsessing.

My WW started her PA around the 4th of July. She spent the evening with him watching fireworks. The first time the 4th came around after Dday, I was paralyzed, didn't want to be around anyone, she had ruined that holiday for me. But, we had friends show up and spent the weekend laughing and having a great time with friends, it was still hard but I actually enjoyed it. The next year they came again, it was a blast!!! Now its a tradition to spend the 4th with these friends, I actually look forward to it and we plan it a couple months in advance. I have trained the lizard brain to not fire on that trigger date.

Its a long hard journey with no shortcuts.

Thanks for sharing, Tanner.
It's good to hear that it's something that can be trained and improve with hard work.
I'm glad you can enjoy the 4th July in full.