SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How do you know your partner is remorseful when you no longer trust them?

How do you even begin to start coming back together as a couple?

How do you know if its the end of the road?

How long do you expect to see improvement in the relationship?

I'm still so lost

I think it was a full two years before I started to believe my wife’s actions were real and not some temporary show.

Remorse is feeling bad for the pain caused, regret are actions more about feeling bad for themselves for being caught. And again, it takes time to see that any positive work or action is consistent over time.

I tend to believe infidelity always breaks the deal. You may not ever want to rebuild, but if you do, build the new deal with the boundaries and care you require to stay.

I don’t think R has a particular formula, however, it requires BOTH partners working toward repairing the relationship.

If both people want it enough, work hard enough, it allows for a chance, for a starting point.

Primarily, I had to regain my strength, my value before I was in a place where I could choose my path forward.

It goes back to that third year where R truly kicked off when I trusted me enough and my wife’s work enough to try and rebuild the M.

Take your time.

Be kind to you.

If you’re done, you’re done. That’s a perfectly reasonable and normal response. I thought I was done a few times along the way.

A WS may earn another chance, but it is your call to grant that last chance or not.

I can only ever recommend R if you think you can rebuild the M into a relationship worthy of you and your time.

Our R started with a false R, I was done!!! My WW kept assuring me "you can trust me now" and then continue to lie to me. I'd had it!! I told her she was free to go because I was starting the D process. It was a real wake up call for her, but I didn't believe it at the time. She totally fell apart and begged for R, I didn't immediately agree but told her I wouldn't leave or D right away, I gave her some time. She wrote a timeline with everything and there were many new revelations I had to work through, it was a Dday2 but by confession. She was open to answering my questions over and over without being defensive, she gave me names and contact information of the cyber creeps she was sexting with.

I have known my W for over 3 decades, she has never been a liar in the past so she wasn't very good at it. When I finally trusted my gut, it led the way. When she gave me the timeline and answered I saw relief come over her and her eyes returned. I've known those eyes for so long but didn't notice they were gone, but knew I had the truth, when I saw her eyes.

I still didn't believe her but at 8 months my Dad we diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer. He went pretty quickly at home on hospice. My W was there for him and my Mother daily. She would go every day and clean, run errands, and help give medications. This is when I believed her selfishness was gone.

I bought into R when those two things were revealed, no lying and no selfishness. It was still a bumpy road but I began to believe her. She would ask early on "what do I need to do for you?" I would say 'I'm not sure but I will know it when I see it".

Do you want to R? If so, I think you have no way to do so without talking with your WS and finding out if they want R or want to explore it.

If you both want to at least explore R, IMO your best bet is to figure out your requirements for R, how you'll know if the requirements are being met, and what you want your M to look like. Then talk with your WS. If they sign on, great - R begins. If they disagree, great - you know it's time to walk away.

If the agree, monitor performance. If they meet reqs, great. If they don't meet them but keep improving enough for you, great - R continues. If they don't, great - you'll know it's time to walk away.

Much easier said than done - but it is eminently doable.

If you can't bring yourself to figure out requirements, talk with your WS, etc., we all understand. It can be very difficult to stand up for oneself. A good IC, however, can help.

Thank you for sharing your knowledge and experience.

I keep going between wanting to reconcile and not. I am undecided. If I leave then I walk away from 15 years relationship, my home, my life as I know it and face the prospect of not having my child every Christmas, special occasion and at alternate weekends. The only local family support is his and I also lose them as a family.

If I stay I run the risk of being in the same situation as he did it this time. Then again if I find someone else I also run the same risk. Humans are just so cowardly to do this to another

The switching from one pole to another is normal for months after d-day. If you observe WS's behavior long enough, you'll probably realize that one solution is better than another.

As for your 15 years together, you build a lot of bonds in that period, and those bonds are hard to cut. But don't think those 15 years mean more than that. You can't get the years back. They are sunk cost.

The bonds are important. If you both think the bonds are healthy, that's positive for R. If your anger gets interrupted by happy memories of your relationship, that's positive for R. If your WS shows evidence of becoming someone you want to spend your life with, that's positive for R. Etc., etc., etc.

My reco is to observe yourself and your WS for a while and really notice what you observe. You'll know eher you'll go, but it often just takes more time than you think it should take.

Have faith in yourself to figure out what is best for you.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:57 PM, Saturday, March 4th]

You will never really know. You can judge them based on consistent words and actions going forward. That is all you can do if you chose this path. You are basing it on what it should look like but you will never know what is actually in their heart. You have to accept this reality and live with it to R.

At the end of the day they wanted the affair and did everything they did (lie, manipulate, etc...) to get it, and if staying married is what the want now they can/will do the same to get this outcome as well. People capable of that level of deceit and gaslighting can simply redirect this to preserve the marriage. The books out there are manuals for them on exactly what to say and do and what not to. Further, those BS that want that outcome as well want to believe them which just makes it easier. Like, "No more lies...the complete truth or we are done!!". Months later more trickle truth and the R just continues.

I'm so sorry you're here. It is brutal.

I don't think you can really reconcile until you recover. Recover from the trauma, recover your sense of self, regain trust in yourself. Going back and forth on the fence is totally normal. It took a couple of years for me to take a breath and start to let my guard back down with my FWH. It helped me to look for the ways I could trust and believe. It helped that he did and continues to look for ways to show me that he's trustworthy. For awhile, I couldn't believe. anything he said no matter how hard he worked to be trustworthy. But, I could look at his actions and believe those. The meals he cooked, the way he showed up for me when I was losing it, the way he showed up for our son. He changed. He became more invested in us, in our lives at home.

I think we're reconciling....not reconciled. It is a minute by minute choice for both of us. There are no guarantees for anything anymore for me. I've lost my naivety and blind trust in him and relationships in general. I think you have to dig deep into yourself and get a sense of whether it is worth it to you to stay. Unfortunately, this happens in so many relationships. Somedays, it wasn't worth it for me. I went back and forth for a long time. Now that we're here, it has been worth it to me. We've both grown into better partners, but only because we both put in a metric ton of hard work.

Recently, I stopped wearing my wedding ring. Not because I'm not committed to the relationship. I am. It's just that it no longer symbolizes what it once did for me. I'm not sad about it. But, not wearing it symbolizes to me that it is a daily choice. A ring won't stop it from happening.

Hugs to you. Take care of yourself. I'm sure you'll find the right answer for you.

Hi @DayDreamBeliever I'm so sorry you're having to deal with the pain of betrayal and I do understand the rollercoaster of emotions you're having as it was similar for me too.

Trust is so precious in any relationship and once broken does take time to rebuild, which means only time coupled with actions (on the part of the WS) can enable you to know for sure if you're partner is truly remorse.

To even start coming back together has a couple takes two committed people willing to work on the relationship with space given for the healing journey.

I know from my own experience that it's important not to try and rush the process of R and for spouses to stay accountable to each other. Also it might be necessary to seek professional counseling when things are hard to resolve on your own. There are some questions you will need to ask yourself and only you have the answers within you.

Be gentle with yourself and don't feel you have to rush to make any major decisions, your partner should be supportive of how you're feeling and the pace you want to go at during R.

I just want to encourage you to remember that despite what has happened, you are worthy of love that can be trusted and there can be light at the end of this tunnel.

You will never really know. You can judge them based on consistent words and actions going forward. That is all you can do if you chose this path. You are basing it on what it should look like but you will never know what is actually in their heart. You have to accept this reality and live with it to R.

I think that's true in all relationships. We simply don't have the ability to look inside others - besides, we all can misconstrue our own motivations. We all can act as if we believe something that we don't truly believe. We can all lie to ourselves, either purposely or by mistake.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:28 PM, Saturday, March 11th]

I think that's true in all relationships. We simply don't have the ability to look inside others - besides, we all can misconstrue our own motivations. We all can act as if we believe something that we don't truly believe. We can all lie to ourselves, either purposely or by mistake.

Of course you are right, but I believe you are disingenuous to suggest that two situations are equal. That is, if your spouse has never given you reason to think otherwise or a WS that was screwing AP for years and lying to you a thousand times and is now trying to keep their marriage. Most people would understand that doubt would/should be greater in one of those circumstances.

Thank you all for taking the time to respond and share your thoughts and experiences.

I admit I rush around/keep busy and don't tend to sit present and observing our relationship and I think I need to do that. My therapist made me realise I go into a manager mode or organising/keeping busy and planning all the time and I have rushed back into that (probably to avoid me having to face reality that my marriage will either thrive or fall apart)