Fellow reconcilers,
I would like to offer a positive about negatives as I post here 10ish years out from DDay.
Responding to a question on lies today, reminded me of the set of tools all reconcilers should keep on hand for a healthier marriage going out.
One of my BIG ones is myth-busting the lies that are spoken and internalized between APs in affair cultures.
A few of mine that I go back to and always keep in mind to free myself from negative self-talk AND to reinforce healthy marriage patters with MR Uxor are:
Myth 1:
"Affairs are justified if you are living like room-mates."
BUSTING - It is impossible for married couples to be JUST like room-mates.
You will find this out lickity-quick as a judge and attorneys divide your assets in divorce court.
And as they compare how your roles of betrayer and betrayed in managing your life together reveal how betrayal actually forces distancing on the betrayed spouse for them to manage the neglected elements of the shared life.
When that phrase re-appears in association with marriage, Mr Uxor and I reveiw the many ways low spots in marriage cannot be compared to being like being room-mates.
If not a myth, that would mean every shift job, military deployment, illness, disability, aging factor or fatigue/exhaustion episode should lead to affairs. Every division of chores and financial responsibilities according to time management and skills
should lead to affairs. Every moment of separation to care for again parents, growing kids or job security should lead to affairs.
But when you marry, you know that is life and all of that and more is in front of you. When it arrives, if you cope by having an affair, you are actually treating your spouse worse than any room-mate. Because you are harming their stability to live.
It is a horrible myth and it only defines the neglect of the betrayer, not the betrayed.
Myth 2:
By finding a new person via an affair with fantasies or a plan of exiting the marriage, it is said that the kids will be better because now there is a less miserable home-life.
BUSTED: An affair only toxifies the relationship skills kids actually need parents to have for a stable homelife. Reconciling, separating or divorcing and working on relationship skills through self examination and good counselors/programs are what the kids need in a troubled home. The lies of affairs only disrupt that much needed help.
An affair partner is not needed to improve the stability of home-life.
In fact, the betrayer is likely unstable if they cannot face a life alone if they want out. They use lies to make sure they have someone waiting in the wings. No matter if they plan to stay but have a backup if their betrayed spouse leaves them OR if they make plans to go to someone else, they exemplify lies to cope.
And kids then learn to lie to family by watching this example. NOT a good legacy to give them. Nor is stability created by the lying person(s). Instability via deception is the foundation going forward.
Myth 3:
That if the betrayed had been more attractive, receptive, sexual, successful, smarter, dumber (seriously - that one came my way!), adventurous, worldly, well mannered and over-all NOT so annoying, the betrayer would not have been forced to cheat.
(Oh. I forgot one. Less attractive. Too young. That on came at me too, because I had worked to stay in shape and Mr Uxor felt bad about growing older and softer. Never did I make him feel bad. I always complimented his many good physical attributes. But the AP paralleled his emotions and cried about her aging body and she was older than me. This made me
Evil and her a victim by her comparison. So he rescued her in bonding on their insecurities.)
BUSTED: There are endless examples of people affairing DOWN on almost every false justification feature.
And I am one of them on Mr Uxors lame excuses.
She claimed to be too old, saggy and not smart enough to be attractive. And his hero button came to the rescue.
I have read and have many friends in my support circles who can tell you that the betrayer focussed on one or two things to throw at the betrayed as a reason when caught. The AP likely has them ready to throw at betrayed spouses as well.
And at first it devastated mine and
my friends’ hearts. But on the other side of healing they could see the total truth.
These were just excuses to justify getting the affair fix. It is a part of the cycle of the illness of denial in betrayal. Someone can always find a flaw in anyone. Humans are vastly imperfect.
But not ONE single imperfection ever justifies an affair.
Even if the betrayed is a raging addict and headed to prison, an affair does nothing to help the betrayer actually deal with life when it sucks. It is just self medicating!
(Oh - and I wore my ponytail too high. Too confident. Hers was girl-next door. And her shampoo smelled better. Such a good reason to cheat. Get my point? )
MYTH 4:
Lies and affairs are justified if a spouse pointing out truth makes the other spouse feel bad about themselves.
BUSTED:
It is actually the inability to cope with truth that is creating the urge to lie. It is that same inability that also has the betrayer listen to lies that fluff the ego in an affair.
Lies building on lies also just make it more necessary for the betrayed spouse to say harder and harder truths to try to get back to what marriage should be. The lies are creating far more pain in truth in the long run than if the couple had worked on the uncomfortable stuff ALL marriages have from the start.
MYTH 5:
Lies were necessary to keep from hurting the betrayed spouse.
BUSTED - read what I just said above. The betrayed spouse will suffer so much more with the later disaster of truths.
Eliminating patterns of lying and forever busting the myths by both parties HAS to be a long term practice in a reconciled marriage.
MYTH 6:
Forgiveness means to forget what happened.
BUSTED: I met a brilliant woman in a marriage recovery program we were in.
She said "You can forgive. Maybe even over and over. God did not design our minds to forget. You never will. And you need your memory for healthy boundaries.
Forgiveness is demonstrated by not wanting the other person’s life to be bad. By not taking revenge.
But, you have to have boundaries to not only protect yourself, but also because letting them harm you also harms them.
In denial they will say boundaries are a lack of forgiveness. In reconciliation they will say boundaries are their protection too."
You can forgive and use what you can’t forget to build healthy boundaries for yourself AND in marriage.
So…
Myth busting is a life-long reconciliation tool to heal yourself and a marriage if both parties busting the lies!
It is one of the tools I keep in my arsenal for both myself and the marriage Mr Uxor and I work on.
What myths do you bust?
Or
What tools will you use to heal long term both personally OR in reconcilliation?
Or
What do you want to add that applies to help long-term reconciliation?
