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Things have been going in the right direction R-wise since Dday 6 months ago. We're both in IC, we've been sharing our insights, and slowly we've been piecing together the meaning of the affair. I've had bumps in the road when anger's reared its head, but I'm working on it.

Here's the thing: I can understand how my WH might have got himself into the A, what his FOO issues were and all the other factors that created a perfect shit storm ready for the AP to step right in. I can even understand my role in creating the conditions in the marriage that were fertile ground for his betrayal. But what I'm really struggling with are thoughts of 'WTAF - he really went and did those things!' The feelings of sheer bewilderment and incredulity just aren't going away and in some ways may even be increasing.

I am just having a hard time accepting what he did, but I know that I don't want to separate. I know that forgiveness isn't necessary for R, but I suspect that acceptance at least is a requirement.

Can anyone relate? Does anyone have any sage words of advice?

Many thanks in advance

I can completely relate. I had previously thought I had some basic understanding of the human mind - before all this happened. Since the cheating (and I even have trouble writing that) I have come to see that our personal power of denial is stronger than I had ever imagined. The cheating happened 8 years ago but I wasn’t told until a year ago. I know some version of a betrayal happened but no idea it was physical.

Anyway, my point is that despite 8 years of sorta knowledge and one year of definite knowledge my mind rejects the facts at every turn. I have said exactly what you said - about forgiveness being maybe optional but you have to at least actually accept that it happened. At the 6 month mark (from last summer) it was finally starting to seep in somewhat. But just barely. I couldn’t understand how my brain could just refuse to believe something I was being told definitely happened.

The acceptance came in chunks. Some things I seemed to accept but other things (like certain kissing, active deceiving, lying to my face)….I just absolutely refused to believe. I guess it is a matter of avoiding something you know will be so incredibly painful and will change the world the way you know it. I think I am now at 90 percent acceptance. But there are still bits and pieces I refuse to really think about. I think I’m playing a game with myself where I can not acknowledge them and then I don’t really need to deal with the meaning behind those actions.

I don’t know if the cheating was out of character for your spouse. It definitely was in my case. But I’m not sure that is even the real reason for the denial. Anyway, would love to hear more about how you are experiencing this phenomenon because it is a truly baffling experience.

Gonna post here just remind myself to check if someone has a magical answer to this question.

I can accept that this has happened....that in the past...he was an active participant in my pain. He told himself many lies about me and about our relationship to justify his actions. Diving deeper is pain shopping for me. It happened. I can't change the choices that led him there. I have to focus on healing my part of that trauma. Today, he seems like a different person...in a better way. IF something like this happens again or something else....I don't have to be here. I deserve love and respect in all my relationships. He wasn't giving that then. He seems to be now. OW was nothing special. She was available and willing. FWH was in pain and looking for the painkilling properties of an A. When it was outted.....it wasn't worth it to him to continue. In my case, he went full boar on fixing what he broke.

Overly, simplistic. But, it's all I got.

We all understand the feeling of disappointment and disbelief that the person you love and trust the most could actually cheat. And lie to your face. And deceive you.

That acceptance of such a trams takes time. It’s like peeling an onion - it’s layer by layer.

First you accept the lying and cheating. Then you accept the details surrounding the affair. Then you accept the outcome - divorce or reconciliation or remaining in limbo while the cheater "decides" what they want.

Acceptance is a long process. It doesn’t just happen overnight unfortunately. Basically you need to take off the rose colored glasses and see your spouse or partner in a whole new light.

Glad Reconciliation is going well for you. I hope you learn a lot about yourself too.

In my opinion it is way too early to expect acceptance after 6 months. Grieving the loss of what you thought you had takes a long time and acceptance is a stage reached pretty late in the process. I think it took my brain a good 12 months to accept it happened (by this I mean not waking up and remembering what happened and feeling like I was experiencing a new dday each time I woke up), but emotionally I only reached acceptance a good 3 years past dday. By this I mean accepting that it happened, not spending every day in the "WTAF" mode, not seeking some "out of normal" explanation to it (maybe he has a brain tumour that affected his thought process?!), but acknowledging that my WH is a flawed human being and he truly did this.

Give it time, as cliché as it sounds, time is your friend in the healing process (and I hated when posters here used to tell me that).

I'm about 14 months out and I remember thinking that very same question at 6 months... Well now I know what acceptance feels like, there's no explanation for when or why it happens, but I just 'feel' it. When I wake in the morning my husband's affair is no longer the first thing on my mind and I don't get that knotted feeling in my stomach. Time really is the greatest healer and it's nice to live with the knowledge that you will reach this point too & you won't feel like you do now forever 🥰 However I'm not in reconciliation with my husband, although we do still share a house, but perhaps not being in reconciliation speeds up the process. Hugs to you xx

There was a pretty good thread on what acceptance looks like a few months ago. I will bump it for you because there were a lot of good responses on it that are worth reading through if you're looking for SI's collective wisdom in this area.

This was my contribution:

For me, acceptance had to do with accepting that it happened and that no one could go back and change what had happened. It also had to do with being able to moving past the injustice of it all. I’m not suggesting that I no longer see what my husband did was wrong - OBVIOUSLY it was. I just needed to be able to think about it without getting hung up on that fact.

For me, acceptance was not something that happened all of a sudden (certainly not at 6 months out). It wasn't some revelatory "aha!" breakthrough moment. It happened progressively over time, little by little. It's hard to give a timeline for WHEN it happened as it was such a gradual thing that I hardly noticed.

I agree with you that acceptance IS a requirement - not just for R, but honestly I think for any type of true healing. For me, forgiveness was never a goal I was working towards, but it seemed to come all on its own sometimes after I reached acceptance.

But what I'm really struggling with are thoughts of 'WTAF - he really went and did those things!' The feelings of sheer bewilderment and incredulity just aren't going away and in some ways may even be increasing.

I will tell you that about 6 months out was peak anger stage for me. I wonder if this is part of what you're experiencing right now. "WTAF" was basically my catch phrase around that time. I was incandescent.

Thank you all so much for your contributions and your wisdom.

Stillconfused2022: Yes, it was out of character, or at least I thought it was. Turns out there was a whole load of stuff I didn't know and I think that's what makes it so hard - trying to reconcile the two versions of the man in my mind.

Ladybugmaam: You've made me think that perhaps my constant attempts to understand are a kind of pain shopping. I think simplistic is what I need as I may be overthinking this in a futile attempt to rationalise something that just isn't rational (to me).

The1stWife: The rose coloured specs have definitely come off. What I'm trying to do now is recalibrate my version of who WH really is to take into account all this new information that's come to light. Then I can work on accepting accepting that version.

Luna10 and Devon99uk: Thank you for reminding me that things will improve with time. I definitely need to cut myself some slack in this and trust the process a bit more.

emergent8: Yes, there's probably some latent anger there. And it's good to hear that you were able to move past that.

I'm trying to do some practical stuff to help acceptance along a bit. I've experimented with EFT tapping and I've done a bit of reading around radical acceptance. It helps to feel like I'm doing something concrete towards healing. Talking therapy alone has never been very effective for me, but it really helps to post on a forum like this and hear from people a bit further along - so thanks again to you all and best of luck on your own journeys.