SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

10 years ago today was Dday. Something I could never imagine. My H came home hours late and admitted he had been with someone else.

Devastated was an understatement.

A few dats later I learn there is much more to this affair. It was going on for months. And a few days after that I was being kicked to the curb.

I had no money. Kids, a house with a mortgage I could not afford, just totally unprepared financially for a D. And now I have no idea if he’s going to pay child support or alimony or the mortgage.

He blamed me for his unhappiness. He told me I never loved him and married him for other reasons. Hmmmm…..when we married I made more $ than he did and neither of us had anything. No assets. No $. So his "theory" there was baseless.

Six months of limbo and false Reconciliation nearly did me in. But the one thing I knew is that I needed $. I needed a plan. I needed to protect myself. I didn’t want a D. But I needed to be prepared for it. And luckily I did.

Dday2 was 6 months later. My Independence Day so to speak. I finally chose me — not him. Not our marriage. Me!

Told him on dday2 I was Divorcing him. A few days later I told him he had to leave our home. I instituted the hard 180. I finally stopped being a doormat.

Lesson learned. Take nothing for granted and be in charge of your life. Also learned you can Reconcile if both parties really commit to the marriage and facing the hard work together.

Married yet independent. Happy. Strong. Survived the storm. Lucky. Blessed.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:00 AM, Wednesday, July 5th]

I appreciate you and your wisdom. Even though I wasn't able to R, you have provided a steady stream of knowledge that I have found helpful.

Happy 10 year antiversary.

Thank you for sharing this

Happy 10 years since you’ve become the independent woman you are today. You must be proud of everything you have accomplished. Congratulations!

Happy Independence Day!!!! Our stories are similar in a one way. My WW had the upper hand after Dday because I was door mat letting her call the shots and dictate the terms of R. She was jerking me around with TT and 2 months into false R, I was done!!! I went hard 180 and I was leaving. That turned everything around and she begged for and complied with everything I required. To this day she is a solid W and R partner.

A little over a year into real R my anger was still red hot but it wasn’t really helping either one of us. I read a post you made addressing someone else’s anger, you recommended the Will Smith video. I still remember where I was when I read the post and watched the video. It changed the course of R because I let go of the anger.

Thank you for sharing, thank you for your contribution to SI and to my personal healing.

Thank you Tanner.

I’m glad what worked for me (and changed my anger and sadness surrounding my H’s affair) worked for you too.

I think if I had known about SI in 2013 to 2017 I would have weathered the storm better AND probably would be D. I think the SI community would have pointed out my initial missteps (pick me dance for one) and the limbo stage I was forced into, the audition to remain his wife for 8 weeks "while he decided what he wanted" and the general mean behavior and blaming me for everything.

They would have been spot on in saying he was still cheating. Because he was.

Well, you'll never forget the date of your DDay, will you? Oof!

I think successful R always, always starts with taking care of yourself first.

Happy Independence Day!

Thank you for sharing! I am still new to this forum and reading a lot and your posts have helped me learn and process.

Happy 10, and many more!

What a post...THANK YOU for sharing!! Wow...10 years...and still going strong!! My 9 year antiversary of Dday will be on the 19th...1 year and 2 weeks after you.

Our stories are similar...but different...LOL. I went through a HORRIBLE "pick me dance" false R in my 1st M until I caught him with another adultery co-conspirator about 2 years later. I went for D with him. Fast forward 30 YEARS later...when I found out about my 2nd H's A. As soon as my 2nd H confessed to his A...I immediately told him our M was OVER. I was NOT going to go through what I did in my 1st M EVER again!!

I implemented the 180 immediately...even though I had NO CLUE about SI at that point! Within an hour though...we were talking about R. Like you...we are happily in R!! But...I have been doing his laundry for a while now...LOL!!!

Thank you WantToBHappyAgain for sharing.

He’s a lucky guy you still do his laundry lol. 😂😂😂

I think the shock you go through at first is beyond words. But there is something to our shared experience that provides hope to others going through this.

Though I hope not false hope b/c in some cases the cheater never changes. I would hate to see people hanging on false hope (as I experienced for months).

It’s hard to describe false reconciliation though. I knew something was off but I never suspected he’d still be cheating ( or re-start the affair with the OW). Stupid me!

I appreciate you so much, 1stWife. Thank you for your wisdom and advice.

I think successful R always, always starts with taking care of yourself first.

I agree with this wholeheartedly.

We often day you have to be willing to lose the marriage to save the marriage. I think taking care of yourself and finding your own inner strength is definitely a step in that process.

Thank you Grieving.

Congratulations on being in a better spot 10 years later.

Told him on dday2 I was Divorcing him. A few days later I told him he had to leave our home. I instituted the hard 180. I finally stopped being a doormat.

Did you stay separated for some time before deciding to reconcile? What did you see that helped you make that decision to reconcile?

[This message edited by antbee at 3:35 AM, Saturday, July 15th]