SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So, our Dday was just one week ago. My ap was his best friend, so he has lost him as well. Ive not had time or energy to post my story yet, but I do need help. I have taken full responsibility for the affair. I have repented and asked for forgiveness. BS decided one day after DDay that he would forgive me and that we would make it through this with God as our strength. He still breaks down every now and then but tries to regain self control as quickly as possible. I have reassured him that I know I have betrayed him and that it's normal for him to be in so much pain. Ive apologize over and over for causing all this pain. His response lately is that he wants to focus on me and my healing. I dont know how to make him see that Im the one that needs to give him all the support and attention. I feel unworthy, vile, unclean, and I know I am undeserving of his kindness, grace, and compassion he has been giving me. The reason we are here in the first place is because I AM incredibly selfish and I would like to learn to be selfless and focus on him. How can I be selfless during this time and focus on his healing, instead of mine?

Part of his healing is needing to see you change. Put that remorse into action and show him that you are becoming a safe partner.

That may be what he is asking for.

Are you IC to get underneath your weaknesses? Are you reading and striving to learn all you can about yourself, a healthy marriage and healing said marriage from infidelity?

Again, you fixing you is required for his healing.

I also told my H that I forgave him very early after DDay. Our MC called me on it and said, "You haven't forgiven him. It's way too early."

For many BSs, there's a lot of fear in the beginning. We're discombobulated from having the rug pulled out from underneath our feet and we're freaking out about how everything changed so drastically and rapidly. Fear can make us clingy; it can make us do and say things that actually feel true for us at the time, but then our truth changes. Anger is on the horizon. It may be galloping towards you, or it may be moseying in slowly, but it's coming.

I think the best thing that you can do for him is to get yourself into counseling and urge him to do the same. Individual counseling, not marriage counseling. Not yet. You both have a lot of work to do.

Welcome to SI.

First, there is a book called "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" by Linda McDonald. It's on Amazon or you can even find it for free in PDF form if you search. It's a very quick read, maybe 2-3 hours of reading, but it is considered by many to be the "handbook" of what do in the early stages after d-day, which is where you are now. Start there.

I also recommend checking out the "Healing Library" linked to at the top of these forums. These are articles from the users of this site and are VERY helpful. I suggest you read articles on both the WS and BS pages, to help you better understand both sides of the coin for now.

After a trauma such as infidelity, the BS and the WS both have work to do, and healing to do, however, those two things usually need to be handled independently for a while. It's only been a week. Infidelity isn't something that happened to him last week. It's something he is still going through, right now, this second. He's not healing from trauma, he's experiencing it. There isn't anything you can really do to help HIM right now, because you are still the cause of the trauma. He doesn't know who you are right now. His whole world has been pulled out from under him. Just a week ago, you were lying and hiding things from him, actively betraying him, and now this week you love him and want what's best for him? Whether it's true or not is not relevant. How can HE believe you right now? He can't. Hell, he can't even trust himself right now, because a big part of him is feeling like a fool and a sucker for being fooled and betrayed by his wife and best friend. So the thing to understand is, for now, you can't help him directly. He needs time to process. For most people, it takes 2-5 years to recover. So... what CAN you do to help him?

First and very best tip - make sure you give him nothing but truth. Do NOT try to "spare his feelings", or fall into the trap of thinking, "Knowing that will only hurt him more". The only thing that can hurt him more right are more lies and more betrayals. And if he catches you in a lie or omission (on purpose or not), it will only reset everything back to zero. If you want to start building back trust, then this is where to start.

Next, I suggest creating a timeline of events concerning the affair, and give that to him. Things such as where and how things started, places you went, money you spent, lies told, when there was intimacy (ask him for level of desired detail about these), any letters, photos, texts, etc. This is especially important if the affair lasted more than a one-night-stand. He needs information so that he can try to make sense of what happened, and what he missed. He'll likely have more questions after this.

Be sure to give him all your passwords to social media sites, your phone, PC, whatever was or could be used to conceal affairs. Again, this is to help him gauge what is/was happening. You may have only had one affair, but he doesn't know that. From his point of view, maybe this is simply the one he learned about?

Finally, the very best thing you can do for HIM is to work on YOU. I know that sounds backward, but it's not. The ONLY possible way that he can EVER even consider trusting you again, is for you to really work on how you ever allowed this to happen in the first place, and what steps you take to ensure that it will never, ever, happen again. And that means gaining a real understanding of the "why's" of how this took place, as well as working on real inner change with the result you showing more integrity and loyalty, not only to him, but to yourself. As Ru Paul says, "How the hell can you love someone else if you don't love yourself first?" I'm sure that "a cheater" isn't who you ever wanted to be, right? But here you are. Most people don't cheat because they consider it so disgusting that they would never allow themselves to "go there". Chances are good that, before this happened, you probably felt the same way! But at some point, you allowed it, and with it came all the lies and damage going now. He can't even begin to heal while you are still a danger to him. So the best way to help him, is to become less of a danger to him, and they way to do that, is to work on yourself. Understand?

If you'd like to encourage your husband to heal, that's fine, just understand that YOU can't be his healer for now. His cheerleader? His shoulder to cry on? Sure. His healer? No.

One last thing, which I'll admit is controversial here. Is your husband on this site as well? I ask only because the BS's here can offer a lot of help and support to him, but you need those things as well. Many people suggest that both people being on this site is a conflict of interests and privacy, and it is. That being said, it worked for me. Both my wife and I received help here, and for us, having that exposed honesty helped us both, and also helped the people here to give us better advice, because they could tell what was really going on. It's just worth a thought is all.

Good luck. Keep coming back.

So, our Dday was just one week ago. My ap was his best friend, so he has lost him as well. Ive not had time or energy to post my story yet, but I do need help. I have taken full responsibility for the affair. I have repented and asked for forgiveness. BS decided one day after DDay that he would forgive me and that we would make it through this with God as our strength. He still breaks down every now and then but tries to regain self control as quickly as possible. I have reassured him that I know I have betrayed him and that it's normal for him to be in so much pain. Ive apologize over and over for causing all this pain. His response lately is that he wants to focus on me and my healing. I dont know how to make him see that Im the one that needs to give him all the support and attention. I feel unworthy, vile, unclean, and I know I am undeserving of his kindness, grace, and compassion he has been giving me. The reason we are here in the first place is because I AM incredibly selfish and I would like to learn to be selfless and focus on him. How can I be selfless during this time and focus on his healing, instead of mine?

Welcome to a club that no one ever wants to join, but I give you credit, as a wayward, it is harder to face the music as you are far less likely to get the same level of sympathy that a newly minted BS would get. Your DDay is still very fresh and you are still in the initial stages, your BH is going to go through an absolutely terrible ride on the emotional roller coaster.

In the aftermath of infidelity, you both have to focus on your healing. If you are hoping for a chance at Reconciliation, you will have to be the one who does the heavy lifting. Some of the analogies that we use are that the WS should be moving heaven and earth to make R happen. In order to do that, you will have to work on your own healing journey and as part of that journey you will have to dig deep into your past and your present to find your reasons for cheating. You got married and swore an oath of fidelity to your husband and yet, when push came to shove, your stated value of fidelity had a conditionality clause that either you weren't aware of or you hid from him.

You are going to have to be quite introspective into yourself to find those answers and most of us recommend that you find a therapist who will hold your feet to the fire and preferably a therapist that does not subscribe to the "unmet needs" model of infidelity. In short, the unmet needs model comes down to the notion that the wayward partner was more or less justified in cheating because their betrayed didn't meet the wayward's need(s). The reason it's total crap is because it puts the blame for the cheating back onto the betrayed partner who did not cheat and it justifies the cheating. Basically, say you had been after your husband to fix the light switch in the bathroom and you had asked him to do it a few times and for whatever reason he didn't get it done...you have all right to be upset with him if he didn't do what he committed to doing, but that doesn't justify you having an affair with his best friend. So you need a therapist who is going to call you on your bullshit excuses and help you to change your internal narrative. Once you understand your reasons for cheating and what your issues are, you can then begin to put in place boundaries that you can enforce to prevent a future affair. By the way, there are a couple of really good books that you should look into, "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful" and "Not Just Friends" which can help you in your early journey here. I would of course still highly recommend you find a therapist and get your ass into therapy to work on yourself. Your BH should also be seeing a therapist of his own and over time, once you two have both healed, only then can you begin to start looking at marriage counseling. At this early stage, marriage counseling doesn't help you guys, because your marriage didn't cheat, you did. Both you and your partner share 50:50 responsibility for the state of the marriage prior to the infidelity, but your BH has no responsibility for your cheating in any way. He could've been the meanest summ-a-bitch in 8 counties (no excuses for him abusing you physically or emotionally if that were the case) and that still would never justify you having an affair with anyone, let alone his best friend.

What have you done in the aftermath of discovery to become a safe partner again?
Have you gone No Contact with your AP?
Have you handed your husband your phone with password and passcode with access to everything?
Have you turned on your location services on your phone or used something like Life 360 so he knows where you are?
Have you gone to your physician and got an STD Test?
Did you and the AP exchange love letters, cards, gifts or any of the like? Gather up all of them that you can find and bring them to your BH and let him decide what happens with those items. In the case of my wife's affair, I donated some items to the local Goodwill and others went to the landfill.
Did you and the AP take the physical part of your affair to any part of your marital home? If so, any furniture that the two of you "used" for your rendezvous has got to go. Beds, sofas, tables, etc. In my case, one of my lines in the sand was changing the locks to the home and cameras at the entry points. No one is going to come into my house without me knowing about it. Because your husband is on the most unstable ground of his life, so having that level of control may be very appealing to him.

I think you get the idea, but you have a lot of work ahead of you and there are some things you can do in the short term, but you've got more long term issues to work through as well.

BS decided one day after DDay that he would forgive me and that we would make it through this with God as our strength

IMO, he's probably in shock and denial and just wants to rugsweep the infidelity. He will eventually get to the anger stage where reality will hit him hard, be prepared.

This is a double betrayal for him, the two people who should have had his back stabbed it repeatedly. I think you need to suggest to him that he gets himself into IC immediately because he needs to process this trauma. A nuclear bomb has been dropped on his life, and in the coming weeks and months he's going to have difficulty navigating the new normal.

IC for you as well to figure out why you cheated and how to be patient and not defensive when he starts to ask the hard-hitting, gut-punching questions, which he will in due time.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal from an Affair is a must read for you.

BTW, is the AP married?

Thank you everyone for all your messages. I do understand that he might blow up at any point with anger. We have been doing a lot of communicating and he says 30 percent of him is incredibly angry but he says the part of him that still loves me wins every time and wants to reconcile. We have been under the discipleship (counseling) of our pastor. Our pastor has been speaking to him on the phone daily and text messaging us with words of encouragement. Yesterday we had a very emotional day because we sat down and had a long conversation. Ultimately, he laid out to me how I can start regaining his trust. We both acknowledge this will not be easy, and we will have good days, bad days, and awful days. He has access to my phone and computer. He has all the passwords to every site I am on. He encouraged me to sign up on this website and said it will be the only source he wont check. I currently dont have any friends I can talk to, I get a text here and there telling me they are praying for me so I really desired some support. Honestly, I have ruined about 50 families lives through this. I am currently writing my story on my profile. When he gets home we will turn in a counseling application to our local church (they do it for free). I mean, guys, I have EFFED up bad. And I knew this even while having the A.

I answer honestly to all his questions. When I told him about the affair, he called our pastor. With the guidance of our pastor, I told him everything leading up to the affair. The emotional aspect and the sexual aspect excluding specifics. Since then, a question pops into his head, he asks, and I answer truthfully. Our pastor then went and visited my AP so he could do the same with his wife. I have had NC but I do know that his life is in complete shambles. He was the principal of a small school where I taught second grade. He got terminated. The school put me on leave of absence.

To answer a few other questions, we have decided that I am not to leave the house to do anything (grocery shopping/gym). We do it together. We do share location services so he can see where I am at all times.
All the gifts that were given to me by AP are still in my room at the school, which I have not visited since this went down.
I have not gotten std tested, but I suppose I should. However, theres a possibility that I could be pregnant.
The furniture we used was just my bed, however, because my AP was my BH's friend, he did spend time at our house. We havent decided if we will move.
Obviously, theres a lot to this story and I currently feel deep shame and regret. Thank you for your answers and support. I will look into the books recommended. I have slowly been reading up all the articles here.

Dear NiftyBlue

I am sorry you are here and fell prey to the lion. As a Christion leader you were on the top of his list. I actually think Satan preys on Christians (my first wife WW was a choir member and church goer). My current wife was trying to find God, now she has.

"Be watchful! Your adversary, the Devil, walks about like a roaring lion, seeking to devour someone."—1 PET. 5:8.

Confessing to your husband was the right thing to do even if it was under some duress. You should take out a RO on your AP. Change your phone number and of course block him everywhere. I hope he doesn't pose a serious threat to you or your family. AND you must never contact AP again! It sounds like your head is out of the "fog."

It sounds like your husband has taken his newer Christianity to his heart and maybe working with you as God will to bring the lost sheep back. His desire is to help you in your faith and bring you the desire to do God will. My wife and I do a daily bible study now.

I have not done well in forgiving my wife for her five-year affair, but she is rug sweeping. She claims that I brought an angel with me when I walked in on her in bed with her AP (I believe her). Her faith and walk with the Lord have grown exponentially.

Even though, like your husband I have worked with my wife on our faith, my pain is indescribable and with me every hour of the day. Her AP has fallen into the depths of drug addiction. He had become a friend of mine and I hope and pray he finds his way out.

For me as a BH with bone cancer this verse hit home, I have no cancer pain, but the betrayal is so painful.

"A worthy wife is a crown for her husband, but a disgraceful woman is like cancer in his bones."

I sincerely hope you and your husband can rebuild first your relationship with God and your husband's ability to forgive to be an easier path than mine.

The Crown of a man is in his mercy,

With Love, Gods child,

Organic

[This message edited by Organic2003 at 5:39 AM, Thursday, July 20th]

You posted this in your story:

He would corner me, chase me, and force himself on me.

^^^If you did not consent and he forced sex with you, that's rape.

You might want to consider contacting the authorities.

Have you told your pastor what he did?

I'm a WH who is currently in R with my BW since 2019. I have a few thoughts to share:

Counseling with a pastor is a good first step, but unless your pastor is also a qualified therapist, you're going to need to a therapist who specializes in infidelity. You will need a professional to help you find your "whys", those self-justifications that allowed you to betray your own values and cheat.

From reading on this site and others, I have seen many instances of pastors, elders, leaders, etc. (many religious but some secular) give advice ranging from empty platitudes (think Chicken Soup for the Soul or greeting card variety) to the downright horrific.

If you truly want to change, you have to find out why you felt cheating was an acceptable option. While well-meaning, unqualified religious/secular leaders often come up woefully short.

Like annb mentioned, if the OM forced himself on you, then you need to pursue legal action. Unless you are using this an excuse to downplay your involvement. I am NOT saying that you are, but IF you are, you need to drop that and look at yourself honestly.

DaddyDom has given you some excellent advice. Others will be along too. You MUST take the lead here and start doing the heavy lifting if you want any chance at a successful R.

Please keep posting.

ETA - Counseling for you on an individual basis. A therapist who you will meet with one-on-one. And I encourage your BH to do the same. You each need a separate space to begin to heal.

[This message edited by SkipThumelue at 3:32 PM, Thursday, July 20th]

NiftyBlue,

I think the fantasy about having a baby with the OM is a common feature of affairs.

After all affair partners are often seen as the embodiment of everything good.

I would presume my W thought about having a baby with OM1, it's just the obsessive nature of affairs.

Your choice to be completely truthful about the affair is an enormously big step towards recovery.

I would suspect your BH will seek more complete sexual details long term, perhaps write down the details in a notebook your BH can chose to read or not.

As others have said get tested for STDs.

Also you and your BH will have to monitor yourselves for HPV related cancers oral/throat/genital/anal for a long time.

I'd like to reinforce a previous suggestion here and ask that you encourage your BS to come here for advice. There's a lot of wisdom in this site that he could probably use right now.

Full disclosure: recovering evangelical here. Keep the faith, just not that version of church, so take what I say as my opinion only, and not backed up by stats or research, just a shitload of experience.

First. Your BH hasn't forgiven you. It's way too early and you haven't earned it yet. He has given you what Springer calls "cheap forgiveness". Be prepared for some real anger later, and also the possibility that this is a deal-breaker for him. You need to be okay with that, as it was your actions that led to this situation, and so you should support whatever he decides in the end. Others call it letting go of the outcome.

Next. You did not fall prey to the lion like some poor lamb staked out in the middle or the Seregetti. I see this as passive rhetoric and removes agency from you. You made hundreds, even thousands of calculated decisions to get where you are. Own them. They are on you. Demonstrating this will go a long way to showing your BH you are penetant. It is consistency over time.

Lastly. And this is only my opinion having been in the church for 30 years. Certain "sins" carry with them a stigma or branding that makes people feel uncomfortable,and so they want to make them go away or rugsweep. Your BH might subconsciously feel the pressure to clean his house up so that he can get back to presenting as a good family again.

People will undoubted bring up Hosea or the fact that we are commanded to forgive (also commanded not to cheat, lie, and covet), and that is true. However, the process, timeline and definition of forgiveness is up to us, or in this case you BH. It a literal sense, it is forgiving the debt, but not loaning again. He may forgive you, but decide that you are no longer safe for him. That's okay.

If I could give you one piece of advice from a BS whose WW did not do anything right, do the work, the real work. Rrad, ask, listen. Be cognizant of the homogeneity of opinion that exists with any religious community. Vary your sources of information in order to give you a wide spectrum of opinions. Then decide on what you feel is the right course of action.

Hi Nifty, I’m also a WW and I deeply relate to your experience.

My advice for you is to keep your head up and try as much as possible to show your BH how much he means to you and how his love is all you need. It’s impossible for him to believe right now but if you’re consistent with your actions, the belief and understanding will come from your BH.

Secondly, try to avoid or at least approach with caution, faith based IC practices. They tend to be quite superficial in their methods. I understand wanting to remain firm in your faith, but psychology is quite simply too abstract.

Also, don’t hold back any specifics. How many times did you and AP have sex and did you see him as a superior partner to your BH, is that why you strayed physically?

I applaud your courage in posting here. Even though some posts may seem overly rough to you I encourage you to continue posting.

Just finished reading your profile and posts here. A few observations and questions.

Have you or your husband taken out a restraining order against your AP? He seems mentally unhinged and obsessed with you. He sounds like he could become very dangerous if he has a psychotic break. Think "Bunny Boiler".

Even though you say that you take full responsibility and accountability for your actions your writing seems very passive.

Around March, I called it quits with him and told him clearly that I chose my husband. That I no longer wanted anything to do with him. It was at this point that I realized what I had gotten myself into. AP went ballistic. He threatened to kill himself. He would cry, yell, and stalk me. I kept up the relationship truthfully because I was weak.

There were many times when he would coerced me into sex, especially the last 4 months, but I am to blame since I kept meeting with him.

You said in your profile that you were trying to end the affair but you sounded very passive and weak and kept the affair alive with him. Have you always been this passive and never stood up for yourself and stood your ground? If this is your personality then you need to become more assertive. Maybe take some assertiveness training. Maybe read some books on how to become more assertive. A good book to start with that is still in print is "I Feel Guilty When I Say No". It is still available from Amazon.

I too am a Christian. I made my public Confession of Faith over 75 years ago. That said, since I have been in the church for many years I have seen adultery "mishandled" for lack of a better word. Many times I have seen it rug swept and glossed over by clergy so as to not upset the flock, and no real healing ever occurred. Therefore, I second those who tell you to get some secular counseling with a counselor well versed in infidelity.

Thank you for coming here to get some help. Please keep posting.

[This message edited by lrpprl at 3:20 PM, Friday, July 21st]

I’m concerned about your statement that your husband does not allow you to leave the house alone following the discovery of your affair. I realize you are in the stage of "willing to do anything" to stay married, but I would caution you to beware of allowing yourself to continue the pattern of allowing men to coerce and control you. You can be a Christian while also being able to leave the house without an escort, and without otherwise having zero personal freedom.

I think your husband is a very strong candidate to rugsweep the affair. Why? He thinks he has already forgiven you and his faith is likely distorting the idea of what forgiveness actually is and is not. That may lead to rugsweeping and I guarantee if he does, it will come back to bite you and your marriage sooner or later. I was betrayed far less than you betrayed him and I rugswept one aspect of it only to have it rear it's head many years later.

Christian forgiveness is not a magic wand that alleviates all pain. That is an immature, fantasy like mindset that ignores 2000 years of spiritual experience by Christians in the hard work to make progress on our soul. And that hard work is required even without the pain of being betrayed by the one person who should be looking out for you. I think you intuitively know this already, which is good. Get him IC. Get yourself IC to understand how you could have done this. Your pastor may not be the best person for this therapy... you want someone deeply experienced and skilled professionally in infidelity.

Hi niftyblue,
How are you going?

Do you want to give us an update - we are here in case you need to vent or are seeking advice or other insights?
May God bless you and your husband,
FAWH