SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I just found out what I had been sensing for a while now, that my husband was/is cheating. To make matters worse with a friend of ours
I can’t sleep, eat, stop crying…
He denied at first then the truth came out, not the full truth until she was confronted by her husband who is a longtime dear friend of mine. I don’t know what I am upset about more, the cheating or the fact of who it was with or that he couldn’t even be completely honest about what really happened or escalated to be between them behind our backs!?
Not a first time for my husband and I come to find out not for her either.
Where to I go from here? We have to wonderful grown kids that live with us. One finishing graduate degree and one saving to purchase their first home. I have always tried to do what is in the best interest of our family but I and so very broken at this point.

Oh you poor dear. I am so feeling your pain. It is so gut reaching isn’t it? I am 5 years out but I remember that horrible pain like it was yesterday. I just wanted someone or something to make it better. I would be happy to be an ear for you these coming months. Feel free to private message me.

Welcome to SI and so sorry you had to find us. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that are very helpful. Also, the Healing Library has a lot of great information, including the list of acronyms we use. In the ICR (I Can Relate) forum, there's a "double betrayal" thread you may find helpful.

The not sleeping, eating, crying is very normal because you have experienced trauma. If you can't eat, at least try protein shakes. If you need meds, see your doctor.

Your WH (wayward husband) is a serial cheater because this isn't his first A. He and his AP have serious character issues and need IC (individual counseling). If you can, IC for you with a betrayal trauma specialist, with infidelity experience of possible, would be helpful.

What do you want? This is a good time to take stock and think about what you really want.

FWIW, I filed for D the week before our 34th anniversary. My relationship with my adult children is better now that we don't have to walk on egg shells around their dad.

Sorry you had to find us here, but so glad you did, because you will receive a lot of great support here. I too was the recipient of a double betrayal. My wife had an affair with a friend of mine and I'm currently 2 years and 4 months post D day. What I have learned thus far, I do love my wife, I truly want thi gs to work out for us, but I did the pick me dance from the beginning and she never really had to put much effort into recovery. She remained selfish the first year and ever so slowly I would nudge her with information and feelings to which it seemed like she would only make the minimal effort to appease me. She even admitted that I was probably to nice and easy (supportive) of her early on and I should have been more angry/aggressive toward her. I still don't sleep, I was actually up at 1 am this morning and started reading "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty". It's an assertiveness training book and so far it has been very enlightening. I've always been too passive-aggressive and I'm learning about manipulation and can see that my wife has been manipulative towards me, especially during recovery as it prevents her having to deal with her issues. It's said that we control our own happiness and it's true. You may feel worthless right now, but it's your spouse who should feel that way. Nothing you did made him cheat. He did that of his own free will and his brokenness. If I could do over from D day, I would have kicked her out of the house and made her fight for me instead of giving her the power over me during the pick me dance. It's going to get rougher for you in the coming weeks and months, but you will receive great support here. ((Hugs))

Hi, Numbness, so glad you found us, so sorry you had to.

Gently, how did you/your wayward deal with prior cheating? Was it swept under the rug? Did you forgive too soon without him doing the work?

Your husband is probably a serial cheater. There's an old saying, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

How many times can you accept he has cheated again? One, two, four?

IMO you need to focus on you. What you want. Do you want to stay married and continue to be vigilant the rest of your life? Do you want to live in peace and faithfulness?

Please find a good IC for yourself. You've been traumatized more than once, and now you've got a double betrayal which is another level of cruelty.

Your children are grown. They can handle change if you decide you want to go the D route. You don't deserve this repeated abuse from your husband.

My husband cheated once. He understood in no uncertain terms if he does it again, there won't be any discussion, I'll head straight to divorce. No more chances. One was a living nightmare that took years to get over.

Where to I go from here?

^^^If you were my sister, I'd advise you to move on. You don't need this pain over and over, lather, rinse, repeat.

Please get tested for STDS and ask your MD if she will prescribe temporary medications to help you cope with this repeated trauma.

Sending a virtual hug......

I'm so sorry, I found that walking helped, it gave me a lot of time to think about what I wanted to do and dissipate some of the anger. They always deny even when you catch them red handed, they gotta try My H is a serial cheater, I've caught him multiple times I'm guessing you've been married a long time like me as you have grown kids at home like I do. I think it's harder to leave when you're older, fear of loneliness, possibly being alone, financial issues, can I support myself and you're just used to having him around. I haven't left earlier because of finances, I want to make sure I'm going to be ok on my own. I have 1 more milestone before I leave, I become eligible for spousal SS when he claims his. So take care of yourself, get strong and if you decide to leave stay angry

This is a horrible double betrayal, your H is a serial cheater. Healing is a long dusty road but you will get there. You need to protect yourself and take care of you first. There are no short cuts it takes time to process all of this. The main advice I have for you is to not rug sweep it, feel it and process it, but don't dwell in it either.
My self esteem was shattered after Dday and it took time to come out of the shock. I started working out and eating better, it was the best medicine. I wish you the best.