SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello Everyone,

I am new to this forum and I started reading some of the topics already. I am thankful that I found this site.

I wanted to ask for help and some advices during this difficult time as I am broken, in pain, confused and lost.

Two months ago, I found out that my husband cheated/had an affair for about 6 months already. He said that it was mostly texting, however, they went out for 2-3 times and during those time they had a physical intimacy once.

When I found this out, the first thing I wanted to do was to let go and file a divorce but I have to calm myself because I have to think about our children (5y and 8m old).

He wanted to save our relationship and when I thought about it, I wanted it too. I still care for him. I know I love him but I don't know what kind of love is it. Everytime I see him, I see betrayal. Completely different person, a stranger.

My mind is all messed up! One moment I am okay and then all of a sudden I am crying. I know for a fact that I have to process and accept to move forward. But how? I tried individual counselling but that didnt work.
I think the problem is me. It is so hard to let go but I really want to pass through this but I dont know where to start. My husband is trying and is supportive but there is a time that he gets frustated because I keep bringing up his affair.

I do think sometime as well to tell the woman's husband about what she and my husband did but I am not sure if it is the right thing to do. I have some impulsive thoughts to go after with the woman as well and confront her but then again there something in me that I couldnt do it.

Anyone going through this or had any experience similar to mine? 😔
I would really appreciate any help or advice.😭

Hi. Welcome.

It sounds like he expects you to rugsweep. Don't do that. You won't heal.

There are some requirements you should make,in order to attempt reconciliation.

At minimum:

Full transparency. You get full access to all accounts and the phone. Passwords included.

He answers all of your questions without anger or defensiveness. As often as you need to ask. And you will ask the same questions over and over, as your brain tries to process this trauma.

Std tests for both of you.

Complete no contact with the other woman.

He figures out why he cheated.

He is proactive in healing the damage he has caused you, himself, and the marriage.

Complete honesty at all times.

He gives you a written, full timeline of the affair

He drops all friends who knew.

And anything else you need to feel safe.

He started this affair right when you gave birth to your baby. That's horrible. I'm so sorry.

He needs to understand to reconcile properly, and to heal,it's a 2 to 5 year process.

Your only job right now is to care for yourself and your children. Watch his actions. His words mean nothing. And call her husband and tell him. Offer a copy of any evidence. Do not tell your husband. He WILL warn her. Also, he's supposed to be NC with her,so of he mentions it,you know they're still talking. Telling the other betrayed spouse is the single best thing a BS can do to protect their marriage.

Don't tell him about this site.

Hi KibuoGaAru

I'm so sorry you find yourself here and in so much pain. I can imagine how you must be feeling, but I cannot imagine dealing with this all while trying to parent a 5 year old and an 8 month old.

My mind is all messed up! One moment I am okay and then all of a sudden I am crying.

This is so normal. We have all been where you are. Its a rollercoaster.

I know for a fact that I have to process and accept to move forward. But how? I tried individual counselling but that didnt work.

At 2 months out you are still very VERY early into this. Anyone that tells you that you should be "over it" in 2 months either knows nothing about infidelity or is lying to you. The common wisdom around here is that it takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity. I know that sounds like FOREVER right now but my own experience is that this is generally true. That doesn't mean it's going to hurt this intensely 2 years from now but the process is long and slow and shouldn't be rushed. I consider myself happily reconciled but I assure you that in that first year, there wasn't a day that went by where I didn't . I remember celebrating when I could make it through a full hour without thinking about it.

That brings me to the next point, your husband needs to disabuse himself of the notion that this is something you are going to get past quickly RIGHT AWAY. Tell him about the 3-5 year estimate and then make sure he's still in it for the long haul, because I assure you, this is a long haul. Not just for you, but for him too.

I think the problem is me. It is so hard to let go but I really want to pass through this but I dont know where to start.

You're not the problem here. I promise you that. Nothing you did or didn't do caused him to cheat. That part is 100% on hgim.
Like I said, it would be ABNORMAL if you were not obsessing over this right now. You have been through a legitimate trauma (research has been shown that infidelity trauma is no different from the kind of trauma that causes PTSD in war veterans) and your brain and body are processing it all.

You mention you have been in IC, but I wonder what he is doing. Is he in IC trying to do everything he can to figure out what part of his ethics/morality failed in order to allow him to do this? After all, you are the one that has been injured, but he is the one who was flawed enough to do this in the first place. What is he doing to help you heal.

I do think sometime as well to tell the woman's husband about what she and my husband did but I am not sure if it is the right thing to do.

I called the OBS (the other betrayed space, ie. my husband's affair partner's husband) on the very day I found out, before my husband could contact his AP to tip her off. It wasn't about revenge (though I didn't mind that part), it was because he deserved to know (just like I deserved to know). He It was the very best choice I made and it is absolutely a kindness to do so. Do it now. Do it in person or on the phone if you can (rather than in an email). IN all likelihood your husband has already told the OW to be wary and she has probably screening his calls or blocked your number or email on his phone.

Best of luck to you.

Oh love....I'm so sorry you're here. It is enormously painful, as I'm sure you know. I'm pretty sure anyone who has ever been a WS wants to rug sweep. They're dealing with crushing someone they love for a painkiller. They do actually deal with a lot of pain. A lot going into an A, coming out of the fog, and facing the aftermath of what they thought would be nothing at the time.

First and foremost....take care of you and your babies. This is a marathon, not a sprint. You need all the support you can get. Gather your friends, family, whatever you can.

IC - find someone else who works for you.

MC - find someone good. Our first one was ok, but called me by OW's name.

Of course your mind is messed up. You've been through likely the worst betrayal anyone can go through. And, coping with young children.

Honestly, I had suspicions during the A....softly confronted them because I had no proof. It was the OBS who outed it all. I'm grateful for that....as it put us on the road to healing. Though only because we both were all in. For awhile OBS and I compared notes, which was triggering and comforting.

Take care.

There's a book called How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's a fairly short book and is a good starting point for your WH (wayward husband). Another book is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. It's much longer and discusses her research, but I found the chapter on windows & walls helpful to describe boundaries to my XWH. In the JFO (Just Found Out) forum, there are some pinned posts at the top that you might find helpful. Also, the Healing Library has some great information, including a list of the acronyms we use.

Your thoughts and feelings are normal - you've suffered from trauma. Although you've tried IC before, I suggest that you try to find a trauma specialist, and one with infidelity experience if you can. For me, it made a world of difference.

Thank you so so much for all your messages.

@Hellfire:
As for full transparency, yes, he is open about it. I can easily access his phone and email which I am thankful for.

STD - thank goodness too I am negative. However, he did not go for his yet.

Yeah, you are right. I feel that too. He wants to rugsweep and get over it eventhough he knows that it will be a long process to heal. He is willing to fix the relationship but he doesn't want to talk about the affair anymore because we talked it about already as he said.

How I wish I knew the AP at that time because when I initially confronted him, he lied about her name and it is just now I am learning about that person. I dont know her personally at all. He met her at work.

@Emergent8:
Unfortunately,he does not want to go and do MC or IC. He is the type of person who does not want to talk about his problems.
However, because of what happened, he is trying to be more open and he is working his communication towards me.

I really wanted to but I am just finding out all about his AP recently.
If you dont mind my asking, how did it go? I am afraid that the OBS will get back to me and to my children. But then again, I am on the verge of telling the OBS -- really.

@Ladybugmaam:
Thank you again for your message. I know he is in a lot of pain too but he knows what he did and he is fully aware of the consequences.

I am on the process of looking for another IC at the moment and hopefully I will find someone one. As for him, he does not want to do MC.

No one knows about this affair except him, me and my bestfriend (which I told about it because I have no one else to tell when I was about to hurt myself). He was actually good keeping it very private and discreet but too bad for him he got caught by me.

He met her at work.

^^^Does he still work with her? Has he gone NC (no contact) with the other woman, never ever to see each other, speak with each other, email each other, text each other, social media blocked from each other. Is she married?

Your husband has to be an open book giving you access to everything. I mean everything.

If he works with her, the affair could still be ongoing. If they were in close proximity to each other and communicating for six months, I would not believe they had sex only once. Cheaters lie. All of them, they try to minimize their actions.

It takes YEARS to get past infidelity, not weeks or months. If your husband is already getting angry and defensive, he's not a good candidate for reconciliation right now. He has to understand he dropped a nuclear bomb on your lives and the aftermath will take years and actions from him to prove he is honest and trustworthy bc right now you cannot trust anything he says. It's all about actions.

I am so sorry for you dealing with this pain. But I’d like to give you my experience and maybe it will help you.

In the 90s (before cell phones and texts) my H had a 4 year emotional affair (EA) that I knew about. He refused to admit it. He stonewalled and gaslit me for years. It then ended and was completely rugswept. Never mentioned again.

Then 15 years later he has a typical midlife crisis affair (triggered by him turning 50). Except this time he’s a bigger jerk and 10 days after he tells me of his affair he now wants a D.

While I am working my butt off trying to reconcile and stop his cheating, he’s continuing to cheat. Of course I didn’t find this out and the false reconciliation lasted 6 months.

My H refused counseling, refused to talk about it, refused to lift a finger to do anything positive. He did however blame me for his unhappiness and I found out he held grudges against me for offering my opinion on things (normal married decisions that I thought we discussed as adults).

In any event I see so many 🚩🚩🚩 in your situation. As others mentioned your H is trying to rugsweep this affair. No counseling and no discussions about it are two of the most obvious signs that the cheater just wants to "move on".

Here’s my suggestion:

He gets a counselor to understand "why" and figure out how to make amends for the trauma he inflicted on you & your marriage.

You find another counselor for yourself. Mine saved my sanity. You need finding to support you.

He reads some books about making amends. He had enough brain power to figure out how to cheat — he can use his brain power to make amends.

Now here’s the hard part.

Stop letting him control this situation.

My H thought at dday2 he still was calling the shots. Unfortunately he lost all his power and control in this situation. Why? Because at dday2 I snapped and had enough. I was smart enough to have a plan B after dday1 — just in case.

Dday2 I executed my plan B. I very calmly told him (after finding out about the continued cheating) that I was D him. There was nothing left and I had enough. He left me no other choice.

He tried to tell me something and I left the room. Two days later I told him he had to leave. He refused. So I called a friend and found him a place to stay. He then realized he lost all power in this marriage.

I did the hard 180 for many months. I only spoke to him if the kids were around.

My point is I learned from my mistakes. I allowed myself to be a doormat and gave in far too often during our marriage. Now it was time to get what I wanted out of the marriage. And if I wasn’t going to get it then I had no choice but to D.

And that was the game changer in our marriage. When my H would agree to something and then do the opposite— I didn’t let it go. He had to quickly learn his old shenanigans no longer worked or were tolerated.

My H knew I was ready to walk out the door on this marriage. And he either changed or he was going to be facing a D. I didn’t ask him to change - he’s the one that wanted to R. I wanted a Divorce. So he had to work hard to convince me to R.

KiboGaAru

Suggest you ask a site admin to move your thread to "Just Found Out" even though you are two months into a nightmare.

And -

YOU want reconciliation - at this time - two young children to care for and (my guess) you are financially dependent on the $$ your wandering spouse (doesn't deserve to be called a husband) provides for food and shelter.

Advise you to see a lawyer (solicitor?) regarding possible divorce. Find out all you can so that you can be prepared "for the worst outcome" of your dead marriage. Yes dead. He killed it - going forward you and hubby will have to form a new relationship due to the "Elephant in the Room."

He doesn't want to talk about "it?" So totally cheater attitude. Dishonesty thrives in the darkness and also when a person is in collaboration with a like minded person - aka the Other Woman.

Telling your friend is a good start towards your own healing - which, by the way - is going to take years. And the memory of what you are now experiencing will haunt you, at times, for the rest of your life. Consider a bit of counseling for yourself.

Consider who should you share your cheaters escapade with - Friend is a good start. Families? Depends on whether or not they have the capacity to "forgive" and will support you in you decide to stay. Yes - decide. Right now you are hurting and spouse is NOT doing the right stuff to even begin to restore some semblance of a marriage.

Spouse wants to keep this tryst a secret from all. Don't cooperate in this endeavor! TELL the other Betrayed Husband so he can learn to what he is married! And give him the choice to choose to live with a cheater or ?? Thought! Is this porking your husband her first go?

Other members have posted good guidance and suggest you reread The1stwife post again.

The attitude(s) of your spouse indicate he is NOT a good candidate for staying married. This is now your life and you must choose what gamble your are willing to take. Do I stay and hope? NOT! HE has to FIX HIMSELF! He won't see any kind of councelor? He is badly messed up mentally. One sees a counselor to figure out why they have such low moral character and how to become someone others would be proud to consider a valued member of society. Some employers provide a benefit - "Employee Assistance" I think it is called, for employees to have $$ provided for counseling.

Can you restore a marriage. For sure - but SPOUSE has to fix himself and support you 101%. So far, you have posted he is doing, at best, 5%.

Read other stories here and you will find the saying "The person who is willing to end the marriage (due to infidelity or ?) holds the power." Right now, your spouse is in control as you have communicated to him you are wanting the marriage and the current terms are determined by him. You need to change your attitude. Tell him the clock is ticking on whether you will stay married. He must get himself fixed and support you every way possible in healing (as much as possible) the pain he has inflicted on you.

Your path no matter how events unfold in the future is going to take years to recover from the pain you now endure.

Suggest you read "Cheating in a Nutshell" a lot of good info in the book. PM'd you another one to read.
Long term, he might learn something by reading "Not Just Friends" Written by a woman who stayed the course with her cheater.

One last plea - TELL the other betrayed husband.
Expose at work? Well, if such exposure can cause hubby to lose job - your family finances will be hurt - something to consider.

When you find yourself hurting - the thoughts just won't leave your conscience - write here and others will help you deal with this betrayal. We all (the betrayed) have slogged through the pain, the hurts so bad - we fantasize whether death would be a solution. Know that that the pain is so great that most, if not all, have had a moment with that thought.

But, you will go on to be mother to your two children. It is likely to be the toughest job you ever have to do.
Take each day as it comes and you will eventually find reasons to smile again. It time, you will be able to find happiness.

He is willing to fix the relationship but he doesn't want to talk about the affair anymore because we talked it about already as he said.

But the relationship can't be fixed without him being willing to a do a deep dive into what his own baggage is that caused him to make so many decisions and take so many actions that were disloyal and destructive to you and your marriage.

As you already know and feel, cheating takes effort and intention.

Spouses who cheat are trying to fill some hole within themselves and are willing to play mental gymnastics to ignore their vows and what they would like to believe is their own moral code and somehow justify it, make it "okay," in their minds. Usually this is something along the lines of "I deserve this because...." or "This is helping me, because it makes me feel better."

They also do mental gymnastics around why it doesn't/shouldn't really "count."

As you are already feeling, it's terrifying to be married to a person who is capable of this kind of thinking.

How can you be sure, when life stresses for your husband happen again, he won't turn to this type of thinking again?

He was already able to blind side you once.

Of course it's going to take a while for you to process all of this and to decide if he can become a person you can trust enough again to stay with. Because he's shown you very recently that you cannot trust him in a huge, ongoing, and very destructive way.

He avoided clear communication with you in favor of having a girlfriend on the side to "solve" his issues. He hid it from you...until you discovered.

He's already avoiding communication about the affair. Which leads me to:

he does not want to go and do MC or IC. He is the type of person who does not want to talk about his problems.

Yep.

As cheaters go, this is not unique--actually the opposite. It's a very commonly shared trait among cheaters.

They avoid.

They avoid acknowledging issues, feelings, problems, past traumas.

And guess what makes them ripe to turn to cheating?

Their own avoidance.

They are feeling bad or insecure about themselves?
They avoid really acknowledging and tackling that issue and turn to cheating to "feel better." We all know that shiny new relationships in their fantasy stage (when you don't really know a person well enough to have to come to terms with their flaws) brings on a HUGE feel-good brain chemical dump. It's intoxicating! It keeps you from having to deal with reality. It helps you continue to avoid.

OR perhaps

They are feeling dissatisfied with their committed relationship?
They avoid really acknowledging and tackling those issues with their partner and turn to cheating to "feel better" or because they "deserve to he treated better."
And, again, the shiny fantasy relationship that doesn't involve real-life stress and decisions and flaws allows them to avoid.

It would be like taking cocaine or heroine to "fix" a serious on-going illness. Ya, it might make you feel great temporarily. But it's not fixing the underlying issue at all, and it's actually super-destructive.

You know that you won't feel emotionally safe in this relationship unless your husband really processes his underlying issues, his thinking patterns, and his go-to coping mechanisms. You won't feel emotionally safe unless he works to change the things that allowed him to cheat on you.

And it's not your job to be this counselor for him. You can't and shouldn't take on that burden. He should work with a professional that will hold his feet to the fire about his own issues for that.

You are hurt and reeling from the destructive choices he made.

Whether you stay with him or not, you need to be concerned with your own healing. That's where your energy needs to be focused.

If he won't commit to really communicating with you and owning the real damage his decisions have caused and if he won't commit to working on the thinking patterns that allowed it happen, how can this be truly reconciled?

((((Big HUGS to you, sister))))
We here on this site really do know how hard this is.

Take care of you.

He wants to fix the relationship

Your relationship doesn’t need fixing. HE DOES!!!!

Any advice or recommendation on how to contact the OP's husband?
I really wanted to tell him, however, there something thats holding me back. I guess I dont have the courage to do it afterall?

The only thing I can reach him is through FB msgr eventhough he is not added to my friend list but I was thinking the AP (woman) might see it first or she does have access to it and she will blocked it off even before he reads it.

Constant battle on my head.

Btw, I thank you again for all your advices. Today, I had the chance to meet a new IC and she was really great, way better, hoping this will work out this time.

I went to a shrine yesterday and cried and prayed. All my tears is just flowing non stop so I am a little bit better together compare from the last time I posted. (See how fast my mood can change and then all of a sudden im down again).

Which leads me to this, I found out today that I am COVID+, yup! Positive again! I will take this opportunity to regain my energy, to sleep w/o interruption and just by myself -- ALONE, which I know I needed so bad. I am not thankful though that it was COVID that makes me rest like this. I will miss my children eventhough theyre just in the next room.

Send him a certified letter. One that requires HIS signature, and only HIS.

Even better,Send it to him at work. Or call him at work.

Tell him the facts..who,what,where,when. Answer any of his questions. Don't talk bad about his wife..he will feel the need to defend her,and he won't want to believe you. Offer a copy of any evidence you have. If you go the letter route,enclose a copy of the evidence.

Don't say anything to your wh. If he confronts you, you will find out he's still involved with her.

Telling him is the right thing to do. He deserves to know,just as you do. If your husband tries to tell you you're destroying that family, don't accept that blame. He and the OW did the damage. All of it.

Thanks for all your messages.
Really appreciate it.

Unfortunately, I do not have any information with the OBS, the only way I can contact him is through FB msgr.

I'm thinking to do this anonymously but I am not sure if that will work plus I am hesitating because the AP might block or delete my message even before the OBS reads it.

Ugh! This is sooo frustating! I dont know even know where to start or how to start the conversation!

Check out his social media. There are always clues.

Check his friends list. Find his mom,dad,or sibling. Message them. Ask them to tell him. Tell them you were worried she would intercept the message.

Or find him on truthfinders,or another online site. Addresses are typically available.

Ask your husband where she lives. Tell him you want to avoid that street.

He's not still working with her?

I will try to do that. Thank you.
And no, he doesn't work with her anymore.

As per my WH, he is done with her the moment I found out. He said he doesnt care about that woman anymore. He ended it up and blocked her off after the day I found out.

Unfortunately,he does not want to go and do MC or IC. He is the type of person who does not want to talk about his problems.

All the more reason for him to go to IC or MC. Avoidant behaviour likely contributed to his ability to cheat, so it needs to be addressed if there is any possible way for him to become a safe partner. Please read and re-read BreakingBad's comments on this. It's a major red flag.

Most Waywards who are serious about wanting to rebuild the relationship say things like, "I'm willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild." More people say it then are actually willing to DO IT when push actually comes to shove, but being willing to do whatever it takes is, in my mind, a necessary precondition to R. Actual R (not rugsweeping) is long and messy and ardous and really takes a team effort. The fact that your husband is putting restrictions on what he is and isn't willing to do at this early stage, and is frustrated that you are not "over it" already, is not a good sign that is a good candidate for R or that he even understands what R involves.

And no, he doesn't work with her anymore.

How do you know this? Is it from your WS? Have you verified? As someone else pointed out, cheaters lie. They lie so they can continue to cheat and they like so they can avoid consequences. I say this gently, but you cannot assume that you have the full truth and you cannot assume that he is being honest right now. For the record, "we had sex, but it was only once" is the second biggest lie cheaters tell, only after "we didn't have sex". 6 months is a long time to only have sex once, particularly if there were opportunities.

On D-Day, I took my husband's phone (right in front of him) and used it to text a work colleague of his that I knew was close with the AP and would likely have her husband's contact information. Pretending it was him, i texted the friend and asked, "hey, do you have OBS's phone number? Can you send it to me? Thanks". When she sent it, I called him from my phone. It was as easy as that.

What has your husband told you about AP/OBS. Has he been to her house? Where does OBS work? I don't believe him if he says he doesn't know, that's the kind of thing that comes up.

I'm thinking to do this anonymously but I am not sure if that will work plus I am hesitating because the AP might block or delete my message even before the OBS reads it.

I really advise against anonymous messaging if it can be avoided. It is easy to ignore an anonymous message. Why would you believe an anonymous stranger over your spouse who you love and trust? Sending an anonymous message will trigger a conversation and AP will be on alert to block further communications, or will paint you as deranged or crazy or someone not to be trusted.

[This message edited by emergent8 at 8:41 PM, Wednesday, September 13th]

Sorry you find yourself here. Infidelity sucks noodles and so I'm saddened that you had to find this community.

As far as finding the OBS, if you have Facebook on him, per chance, could you find him on LinkedIn? I would think it is far less likely that the AP intercepts your message on LinkedIn. Just a thought, my LinkedIn is also part of my work at times, so I tend to access it more on my work computer...so I'm projecting my behavior onto him, but I think you get the point.

Your WH is nowhere ready to take accountability or responsibility for his affair if he is unwilling to discuss it.