I've been getting angry at my STBXWW. We're no contact, this is internalized. I think about her treatment of me, from the infidelity, years of lying, false R, neglect and absenteeism from the marriage. The years of DARVO, over and over in that infinite loop leaving me somehow the responsible party. Her responsibility? She said she was sorry, now why can't I be a better man? I'm angry at myself for allowing the abuse, for not calling out the red flags when I first saw them. I could have saved myself at least a decade if I'd confronted her earlier.
After filing, anyone else get this rush of anger? It's not the take action kind of anger, it's a falling away of all the excuses, minimizations, and manipulation. While I lived with her lies, I didn't get a clear image of her as the unrepentant cheater that she truly is now and, likely, will always be. And so now, unmasked, I'm mad at her. She was awful, truly an awful person, and now she's an awful person taking me for what she can financially. I don't need to speak to her about how I feel, I've turned that corner.
The anger has given me fuel to think about my boundaries, where I failed to address my own boundaries, and where I couldn't have known they were being crossed and forgive myself. Now that I see her more clearly, I can see myself more clearly. I don't want any more IC, but I will likely need to talk this out with someone. I'm hoping this is a new stage and one that passes quickly. I am so fed up with all things past.
