SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I found out my husband was cheating on me 1.5 years ago when I was 12 weeks pregnant with our second kid. I found explicit, encrypted messages he was sending to our old neighbour, detailing filthy things he wanted to do and trying to organise a meet up. I found these messages because he had logged in on the browser on my phone and the tab was still open, he had logged out, but the password that he had had for the last forever was no longer recognised. I did some sleuthing on his phone and found his new password, and then logged in one day while he was at work. And watch it all unfold. He was semi deleting as he went because I didn't have access to the whole conversation.

I obviously confronted him, and he assured me that it had all just been flirting and messages and nothing physical had really ever gone on. We decided to try and make it work, on the proviso that we were completely open and honest and I had full access to his phone.

As part of our conversations, he admitted that he had had a number of flirtatious relationships which had mainly been done at work or via messenger over the entire duration we were together, but it was all for an ego boost and he always stopped it before it got physical.

I, being untrusting, not open, nor honest, installed a spy app that allows me to monitor his incoming and outgoing calls and messages, and his browser history (including incognito). All has been fine for the last 1.5 years. Except he has recently been active on a forum where people can discuss their sexuality/sexual proclivities and share content, where he wrote about how he had done things with a girl that he currently works with, at work. I've tried confronting him in a roundabout way to see whether he would admit to anything physical ever happening and he flat out denies it. I don't know when it happened, or if it's still happening, but I feel so broken and stupid for trying to fix our marriage and move past it.
I have no idea where to go from here. I feel stuck in my current situation, I've given up my career, I have no financial independence and I have my kids to consider.

2 words…..You can’t.

I suggest you find a good counselor who is experienced in infidelity and infidelity trauma to support you.

You will be able to get support for yourself and figure out the best path forward for you & kids.

The fact this has happened again is not a good sign but you already know that. You understand it may be a bunch of lies he tells internet strangers or it’s a bunch of lies he tells you.

Either way he is addicted to the ego boost. He needs it to feel good about himself. And it appears he does not care who or where he gets it from.

How sad.

Welcome to SI and so sorry that you had to find There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that you may find helpful. Also, the Healing Library has a lot of great references, including the list of acronyms we use.

Don't feel stupid - you offered the precious gift of R (reconciliation) and he kinda pooped all over it.

It's normal to not know what to do. Infidelity can scramble your brain, and you literally can't think straight. Why don't you see a lawyer or 2 or 3? They often will do a free consultation. Plus, if you do decide to D, the lawyers you see now can't represent your WH (wayward husband) because it's a conflict of interest. Knowledge is power, and knowing may help you.

Was there sexting involved or did he (or they mutually) masturbate? Or did he use part of the conversations to self-pleasure? That makes it physical in my book, but you can decide if that makes a PA (physical affair) to you.

You don't have to make any decisions today. Take care of yourself and give yourself grace during this crazy-making time.

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. You asked in the title of your post "How can you trust a liar?" I think you already know the answer to this. When you found the messages 1.5 yrs ago you said you confronted your WH and in the aftermath, your WH admitted that not only was he involved in an EA with this woman, he’d had a number of flirtatious relationships over the course of your whole relationship. He claims that with each person he stopped it before it became physical. That he needed this for an ego boost. You know that all cheaters lie. You know they lie A LOT. Cheaters lie through their teeth as a final act of self preservation when their secrets are discovered - they lie, they gaslight, they manipulate, they minimize (it was only texts, nothing physical happened, it was only a kiss - nothing further happened, she came on to me, it was all her doing, she started this….). You said so yourself that when you agreed to reconcile you still felt like you didn’t trust him so you installed spyware - obviously without his knowledge. Being the marriage police is no fun. No one wants that job - not for the whole duration of the relationship. And I don’t believe for one second that when someone engages in years of pen-palling around talking about explicit things to random women they don’t have some plan to eventually meet up. I also think that whatever he’s sharing on that forum is true - he has been involved with his coworker, and whether that was in the past or still ongoing is still unclear - but I have a feeling you know in your gut that it’s truth. The fact that after your Dday 1.5 years ago you installed spyware is very telling - your instincts were telling you that he was untrustworthy back then even after he confessed. You didn’t trust him to remain faithful and you were right. You need to find your strength. You both rug swept his infidelities and tried to focus on the marriage, repairing the damage. But HE never truly addressed the root cause - the WHY; he said it was an ego boost but did nothing to work on that, did no counseling, had no period of introspection to dig deep and work on being a safe partner for you. You took all that pain, stuffed it deep inside, and became the marriage police; you installed spyware because your spidey senses were still firing and you knew he was an untrustworthy partner. Nothing changes if nothing changes. The status quo remains the same. Now that he’s had some distance from the 1.5 yr ago Dday, he’s gotten comfortable and sloppy. He never stopped cheating. He just got better at hiding it for a while; now he’s slipped up. He could have a burner phone, he could use his work computer to communicate, or it could be face to face interaction at work that you have no control over. Cheaters FIND a way - believe that! What should you do now? You can sit on this info and continue to collect evidence, take pics of the posts he’s made and save those on a cloud drive only you have access to - not a shared cloud drive, something like Dropbox; or better yet, save on a flash drive and hide it somewhere safe or give to a trusted friend or family member. If you want to reconcile, HE needs to get into IC to figure out why he has such shitty boundaries, and why he needs this external validation and ego boosts. He needs to work on being a better partner, a safe and trustworthy partner. That has to be work HE does with an IC. Then you get yourself into IC, take that step towards your healing. So you can find your strength. You don’t have decide if you want to R or D. Start detaching - read up on the 180 - and make it known that there are consequences to his actions. And finally - go see an attorney. Find out what D would look like if you had to go that route. You don’t have to file, and if you do file - you can change your mind and move towards reconciliation if the situation warrants it. Your WH needs to do some serious work. Let him know that he’s free to flirt with, text with, hook up with anyone he wants to - BUT he can do all that as a single man, NOT as your husband. Make it clear that you don’t share and that monogamy is non-negotiable. Sometimes waywards think that texting, messages, emails, non-physical communication, does not constitute as cheating in the traditional sense; but you need to be clear that ANY intimate communication between him and anyone else IS cheating and grounds for D. Any time he needs to hide and sneak around to sext another woman - THAT’S cheating. That’s betrayal, unfaithfulness, infidelity. Lastly, you are NOT stupid for believing and trusting him. It’s not uncommon when one is hit with infidelity to rug sweep and try to move on, try to move past. You can do that for a little while but all that does is push all the problems aside and never deal with them. Then those problems become bigger problems. The behaviors never change because they’re not addressed. I wish you the best of luck. This is a painful journey, but with the right tools you can get through this. You can heal and find peace in whatever you decide - R or D. Hugs to you.

Thanks for your replies all.
I think part of what makes this so hard for me (and I know it is ALL hard), is that we've always had, what I thought, was such a solid relationship. We've always been a team, not really argumentative and had a great intimate relationship. I saw no real red flags until the days leading up to Dday!

We did engage in marriage counselling after D-day, but it never progressed because we both got frustrated with the counsellor rescheduling us 4 times after our first session.

From the messages I read, there was definitely sexting involved, at least with AP that I found, and so I must assume that it was probably similar with the others. I'm filled with doubt, because as you say, cheaters lie, and lie a LOT. And I find it veeeery difficult to believe that there was no physical interaction with them... If you know all of the APs and work with them closely, how does it progress to sexting without becoming physical?!

If I'm to go to a D lawyer, or 2 or 3, what kinds of questions do I need to be asking?

WH has access to counselling through his employer which I am also allowed to utilise. So I reached out and made an appointment a few weeks ago because I was really struggling and thing were starting to creep out from the rug.
WH has also decided to start "dealing with things in a healthier way" and talk to an IC too, so I guess fingers crossed that he can get to the root cause of all this and actually change.

I'm not holding my breath right now, I'm biding time and collecting info until I can decide what to do.