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I'm just looking for some insight, I've recently been really struggling with who I am. I have always prided myself on being one with integrity and having good moral fibre however this A has really twisted that all up...I did some absolutely horrific things during my A and treated people that I supposedly love appallingly, it's now left me wondering if it's just because I'm a shitty person.

I never want to repeat that behaviour again, I hold myself to account, regularly making sure I'm not trying ti people please and feed my ego and am know able to see what I am capable of and it's someone who I'm not proud of but more importantly it's someone who I doubt my kids would be proud of.

So My wife and I have recently been discussing her concerns and this includes her worries that whilst i am trying to put in the work now and whilst I am desc and she is seeing how broken I have become that this may change in the future and it will be easy for me to justify and kid myself that this is all ok and I deserve this....hence the grass is greener comment.

I have seen a few posts on here recently, posts where people have gone years or decades and have then repeated the same behaviours again.

I am clear to my BS I am a red flag and I have taken from her all that she has held dear. I need to be a safe partner and I want to be but sometimes I dont know how to express that or alleviate her concerns, how do others manage it. (Prior to all this I never really communicated with my thoughts and feelings so all this is rather new) I hope this makes sense, I can sometimes get lost in my thoughts and to write it all down can at times make me sound a total twit...

Thanks

Start with being honest with yourself. You chose to have an affair. You weren't walking down the road and fell into it. That said, I agree that you are not safe for your partner. That is what you must become. The way you describe your situation, it sounds like you are determined to walk the line, but fearful of crossing it again. "White knuckling" so to say.

Instead, go find the reason you felt the need or urge to have an affair. I will give you a hint, it's rooted in needing external validation. Validation is a drug and addictive. Find the reason you seek validation and you will find peace. Until you plug that black hole, you will always feel a tug for external validation. My need was routed in a few things, but mainly my childhood. I had asthma and couldn't play sports, so I wasn't athletic. I always felt inferior due to it. I became a performance addict at work and was very successful. I did it out of fear of failing and being that kid again. Still, I was running from that kid. I sought the attention I desired as a kid. Once I realized this, I was able to sit back and take an honest look at myself. I realized that all of my accomplishments were me and my natural talent. As silly as that sounds, my inner self didn't believe it for most of my life. I am at peace with myself. I no longer care about getting or seek that attention. That hole is gone. There were other things as well, but this was the big one. It took me a year of counseling to get to the bottom of it.

You need to do the same. Go look into your soul. Be honest with yourself. Find the source or your need for validation. I found a counselor that specialized in infidelity as well. Put the work in and examine your life. We are a product of our actions. My actions before the affair were honorable. Once I made the decision to have an affair, that changed. My actions were horrible. My marriage had always been difficult and I was the caretaker. My kids came to me for guidance and help. The affair changed that. My kids were adult and I thought it wouldn't impact them. How stupid. When I told my wife I was leaving, I not only crushed my wife, but the two people I spent my life protecting. That thought still brings me to tears. The positive is that it is possible to turn it all around. You may or may not save your marriage. But, the only way to really save it is to fix yourself, become a safe partner. It is what your wife needs and it's what you need. My affair was 15 yrs ago. I was able, with my actions, to restore my relationship with my kids and my wife. My daughter surprised me with a car a couple years ago. My wife was excited to help her pick it up. That day was DDay.

[This message edited by NeverWillAgain at 11:07 AM, Thursday, November 16th]

Hello TinyTim,

A few things that jumped out at me…

I'm a shitty person.

I can sometimes get lost in my thoughts and to write it all down can at times make me sound a total twit...

This negative and hurtful self talk has to go. Be kind to yourself. You are not shitty, you are not a total twit. You are a human being that has flaws and makes mistakes as we all do. The negative self talk fuels the fire that leads to this:

people please and feed my ego

How could you not fall into feeding your ego with others validations if you speak to yourself like this? If you are saying hurtful things to yourself, then of course you’ll seek acceptance and validation through others. Because you won’t give it to yourself.

I have always prided myself on being one with integrity and having good moral fibre

I think that if you can work on your relationship toward yourself, you can get to a place where fueling your ego at any cost won’t take top priority over having integrity. To me, having integrity and morals has everything to do with me and how I feel about myself. I am who I am because I care about people, and because I do things that make me proud of me. If your self-talk is continuously seeped in criticism, harshness, judgment, shame, and ugly language - then I imagine it’s very difficult to feel motivated to do things that make you proud of you. I also imagine it’s easier to do things for external validations because who wants to feel like they’re all these awful things all the time?

Hi both, thanks for your comments.

NWA I like to think I've sorted out that aspect as to why. I grew up the middle child and we moved ALOT for my dads work. I therefore wouldnt keep friends close and lost many over some important years. I was also bullied alot growing up and didnt have much like with the opposite sex and would describe myself as a "chunk" character from the goonies. After I left secondary/high school I redeveloped myself but I fell into a few toxic relationships, in any event I started a job and I began to see that people actually did like me and I craved that attention and the validation from pretty popular people, it was always the same as it was people that I would have looked at in school and felt they were too good for me and would never want to spend the time with me. It was addictive you are right and have explained to my BS that when I was with the AP I would seek her validation through our interactions however once done I would feel a sense of shame.

So anyway I do know the deep whys to why I feel the way I do about my validation as I recognise it comes from a weird place of just not feeling good enough.

I also like you feel this sense of imposter syndrome, I hold a rather good position in my job and doesnt matter how many compliments I get I just sit back and think "they'll realise soon enough" I am trying to counter that and accept it's because I am actually good at my job. I also manage it by speaking to my team about my history not ironically in a disparaging way but to highlight that actually last year I didn't get my shit together and was an ass to my family. I dont think its white knucklinig it .... but have certainly done so over the last 18 months or so.

I do try to not be too harsh on myself, I just struggle to come to terms with the Level of destruction I have caused but I am certainly motivated to not do this again.

Thank you both again as it does help.

NWA I like to think I've sorted out that aspect as to why.

It looks like you have a lot of it. But, you need to crack that self image nut. Keep digging.

I also like you feel this sense of imposter syndrome, I hold a rather good position in my job and doesnt matter how many compliments I get I just sit back and think "they'll realise soon enough" I am trying to counter that and accept it's because I am actually good at my job. I also manage it by speaking to my team about my history not ironically in a disparaging way but to highlight that actually last year I didn't get my shit together and was an ass to my family.

I get this. This is the nut to crack. I craved the positive reinforcement. I had to be on top of it all the time at work. I was the can do anything guy. My struggle was keeping that image going. Externally, it was real. Internally, I was never satisfied.

Well, with the help of my counselor, I was able to scan my body of work of over 20 yrs. I realized that all the talents, work, work ethic that it took to do it all. I realized that I had nothing to prove to anybody. I had already proven it to myself, just needed to recognize that. That let me walk away from that kid in my past. I literally felt that pressure lift.

Do you have a counselor? I would recommend it if you don't. I went to 3 before I found the one that I could relate to and knew how to help me understand. The peace I felt from those session were like a gift from God. If you don't, do the same exercise. It was a cathartic exercise for me. But, don't give up on finding and resolving that.

I don’t see a stop sign so am posting.

I believe SI is about people coming together and working on becoming better versions of themselves. Just because someone makes mistakes does not make them permanently stuck in that. Just because I was a BS does not make me morally superior either.

Accepting that, one thing I am personally striving for is rigorous honesty. Example is that I am currently 155 lbs not around 150….this stuff is not always easy.

I wish you much peace and healing.