SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone,
I’m a BS whose Dday was April 25th 2023. My H and I have been married 27 years (one child who is our light, she is 23).
I’m really struggling 9 months in, have not left. Have been trying to find myself and what I really want, and giving my H time to figure out what’s wrong with him and if he can do what he needs to to save our marriage. But he has lied, minimized, denied and manipulated me in order to not have to be fully accountable.
This past month has been a barrage of discovering how much he’s still hiding and how he’s trying to control the outcome by controlling the flow of information. Even though he says he’s all in and wants to save our marriage.
We have been through R before, his first affair was a PA about 3 years into our marriage. He did everything right, we had a good marriage and a good story and I TRULEY believed he never would do it again.
I was blindsided in April by one of our employees quitting, and claiming he sexually harassed them. This accusation is so far outside his character that I immediately knew it was a lie, and he confessed that they had been having an EA. Since then he has been giving me half truths and trying to minimize. But today I (finally) received a copy of a letter that he had written to his AP and it’s stunningly obvious that he was infatuated with them. There is a fair bit of limerence in his affair, but I can’t accept that as an explanation / excuse.
I know I’m numb right now and feelings change, and people can step up when they hit rock bottom. But I’m really thinking seriously that I should cut my losses and get out. If for no other reason than I want to feel the same feelings he had for his AP, and know I never will with him again.
Happy Thanksgiving (sarcasm)

Welcome to SI and so sorry you had to find us. The Healing Library has a lot of great information, including the list of acronyms we use.

I'm sorry that you gave the gift of R (reconciliation) and your WH (wayward husband) crapped all over it.

Has he been in IC (individual counseling) to work on his issues?

If you can, IC with a betrayal trauma specialist may be helpful for you. Practice self-care.

Did you set any consequences for repeat infidelity? For me, I said any inappropriate contact with another person would be automatic D (divorce). Spoiler alert: he didn't keep his hands to himself and we're D. I filed the week before our 34th anniversary. I'm so much happier now and don't have to deal with XWH and his lying, manipulating, etc.

Take this time to think about what you really want. Life is too short to live with all the deceit.

Thankyou for your kind words leafields.
Yes he is in IC, but I’m doubtful that his therapist is getting to the issues in any real way. My H is a people pleaser and really good at the chameleon mask.
I’m also in IC, my therapist is pretty good at support and validation, but we aren’t doing any trauma recovery work. I’m reading "The body keeps the score" and think I will look into emdr.
We have also just started MC with a 3rd therapist.
He has agreed to draft a post up with me, that will give me the freedom to make a decision in time.
I agree with you about life being too short, but I also know that the pain is mine whether I stay or go. In truth, I’m just telling myself to take as much healing as I can get right now in the relationship and decide later. I know I won’t have the opportunity to process this with him once I leave, so I’m trying to get some healing while I have to be here.
He’s not a total monster, he’s really shattered by what he’s done and what he’s done to me. But the shattered person is having a hard time helping me heal, still always so focused on himself.

My H is a people pleaser and really good at the chameleon mask.

My XWH is a covert narc, and I understand the chameleon mask. I used to think he was a people pleaser until I started doing some investigating on narcissistic abuse, and taking a long, hard look at what my XWH had done during the M. He wasn't a people pleaser - he was a Mr. Fields pleaser. He'd say about anything to make you think he was agreeing with you but would fuzz the words just enough (narcs are good at word salad) where it was really lying by omission and/or gaslighting.

But he has lied, minimized, denied and manipulated me in order to not have to be fully accountable.

This is emotional abuse. He won't allow you to have information needed in order to make an informed decision on what to do. He has removed your agency. Has he thought of his actions as abusive? I don't know if that would be a wake up call for him.

And you're right that there's no excuse for an A. He could have chosen to do a million other things, but he selfishly picked himself over you.

Has he read How To Help Your Spouse Heal After Your Affair by Linda MacDonald or Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass? MacDonald's book has a nice blueprint for waywards to get started on their journey and tells the wayward they need to be very empathetic. Dr. Glass' book has a chapter on windows and walls that is helpful in understanding boundaries. You build windows (transparency) with your spouse, but you build walls (safeguards) to keep others out of the M.

If he's 1000% sincere and does the work, things can turn around. We have examples of that here, so I don't want to be a total downer for your holiday. It takes a lot of work and time.

The emotional rollercoaster is a something that we mention. Right now, you feel numb, which could be a trauma response. Tomorrow, you may be madder than mad or curled up bawling on your bathroom floor. It's all normal.

I’m reading Shirley Glass book right now and he’s reading it next.
He does recognize that he has been abusive. He admits how badly he’s hurt me and he admits he has been TTing me, minimizing and avoiding. He has a huge problem with shame over this but also, we suspect, toxic shame from childhood. He cry’s all the time and is confused and says he can’t access his feeling and he’s scared. He is also ashamed and horrified that he did this to me again. But he just cannot seem to "do anything right" when it comes to helping me heal; like apologies, checking in and bringing up the affair. He has trouble not getting defensive when I’m talking about how I feel, and I do have a good amount of righteous indignation that I tend to hurl at him when he gets defensive.
He just started on an antidepressant today which the MC hopes will help him "be more present"
He’s definitely a people pleaser, I never realized how manipulative people pleasing is until our MC mentioned it. And now I see all the ways I’ve been overburdened in the marriage and been "holding him together with tape" while he takes the back seat. His AP is a narc, my working narrative is the 2 where just a toxic combo of flirtatious, people pleasing, narc supply, him rescuing, them being entitled, bad boundaries, slipper slope, and "we’re not doing anything wrong" but it feels so good I can’t stop. Until one day the AP gave him a letter saying they had a crush on him and he was done for. I do believe him when he says he would never have "crossed the line" if she hadn’t approached him first. But he’s now seeing that he crossed the line way back in the "friendship stage" when he moved the walls and windows. He tells me he knows it was all a fantasy, that he loves me and never wanted to leave me, and never wanted a future with her.
Sorry for the long post, but it’s really helped me to go over it all. I know now I just need to stay my course, get the post nup done and see if we can get to full disclosure. Hopefully the meds work and he can start opening up, and standing up for my sake.
Thankyou!

Never mind, I found my answer. I'm sorry you're going through this.

[This message edited by FunHouseMirror at 5:33 PM, Saturday, November 25th]