SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone -

I’m new here and looking for strength and advice. Buckle up for a crazy ride.

I met my (currently ex) fiancé (will refer to him as partner from here on out) on a dating app in late 2019. We started off casually dating, but it was clear we were both interested in developing a monogamous long term relationship with the right person. We became exclusive towards the end of 2019.

Fast forward to 2021, we have a loving relationship, have moved in together, are not married, but intending to be married one day and were now facing a surprise pregnancy. We considered whether to go forward with the pregnancy heavily (at the time, I was freezing my eggs with the intent of having kids years later). We discussed at length and even made several detailed pros/cons lists. My partner was thrilled… all of his friends were starting their families and he was happy to join in. I would say he wanted to move forward with the pregnancy more than I did (I felt I was still establishing my career, etc), but ultimately we decided to move ahead and it was the best decision we ever made.

Later in 2021, we got engaged. No rush to be married.

Fast forward again to 2023, we are still leading a happy life and we are loving parents to a toddler. We balance each other well. All of my friends want a partner like the one I have. He’s supportive, a great dad, successful, etc. We are now actively planning a wedding for the end of 2024.

In mid December of 2023, everything is destroyed. A good friend reaches out about a dating app profile, sure it’s a mistake. It wasn’t. I confronted him about it right away and he immediately came up with a BS lie about how it was already on his phone/was just curious. I immediately looked through his phone, which revealed that he had been on a sex forward dating app for months, exchanging nudes with women. I kicked him out of the apartment. After a week of no contact, we decided to go to MC to figure out what to do. At this point, his story was that for about 6 months on and off, he was on this sex forward app, soliciting and sending nudes to women. Purely virtual. The story came out in bits and pieces, but after a few days, that is what he promised was the full truth. I’m terms of help, he was seeing his regular therapist (which he was already seeing for years, not for sex related issues) and on top of that was seeing a new individual sex therapist and our MC. He was committed to fixing things and gave me access to accounts, location, etc. At this stage, I thought we could work on things and very slowly started opening the door.

After a few weeks, I asked him to see his phone again. I recovered all deleted messages and went through them. This revealed even more. He had essentially be dishonest our entire relationship. He didn’t delete the dating app once we were exclusive.. only after about 2 months. He then replaced that app with the sex forward app and was sexting women on and off from 2020-2023. Based on the evidence (which aligns with his story now), he met with 2 women. He didn’t have sex with either, but intended to. Otherwise, the cheating was virtual in nature.

As of now, he is fully out of our shared home and does not have contact with our child.

I am feeling such mixed emotions. I never wanted to be a single parent and never envisioned it. He is very clearly remorseful and is doing anything and everything I ask of him (for example, he switched from iPhone to android so I can utilize tracking apps, he is the one that suggested therapy, he gave me a comprehensive report, he never invalidates my feelings and is prepared to discuss at any time of day, he is starting a 12 step program).

I don’t foresee us getting back together anytime soon, if at all. There is a part of me that wants to work through things for our child.

Please weigh in. Would love to hear if anyone has had a similar experience and was successful.

My biggest fear is agreeing to work on this and then 2-5-10 years down the line im faced with the same issue and kicking my younger self for not leaving now.

First and foremost: why is he not in contact with your child? Is that your choice or his?

If he's been cheating on you your entire relationship, I don't think it's realistic to expect him to be faithful to you now. Changing his device and giving you access doesn't necessarily mean anything; he can always get another phone that you have no idea exists. Also, you really have no idea what he's doing when you're not around, especially now that he's living separately.

For every cockroach you see, there are a million you don't. While it's possible that he never met up with or had physical affairs with women, what's most probable is that he did. He's never going to admit to sex with anyone; he will only admit to the bare minimum of what he thinks you can prove.

Others will be along to suggest that you could ask him to take a polygraph, write a timeline, etc. For the sake of your child, I can see why you want to feel like you did everything you could to give him another chance and keep your family intact.

But again, realistically, I think you're wasting your time and you're setting yourself up for heartache. Your entire relationship was built on lies. He convinced you to start a family with him while sneaking around behind your back. I think that if you stay with him, you'll be sleeping with one eye open for the rest of your life.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 3:52 PM, Friday, January 5th]

Thanks for your message.

I’ve decided for now that he should have limited contact with our child. Until we are stable, it’s unfair for her to have him in and out of the picture with both my/his emotions high.

I’ve asked that he coordinate with a lawyer to send proposed custody plan.

Also, sorry for the second message. I confirmed with all of the women that he was in contact with the scope of their "relationship".

Welcome to SI and sorry that you've had to join us. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that you might find helpful. Also, the Healing Library has a ton of great information, including the list of acronyms we use.

First, taking care of you and your toddler should be one of your top priorities. If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be very helpful. If you're having trouble sleeping, anxiety or depression, please see your doctor for meds. Also, you may want to be tested for STDs/STIs. If he met up with them, I'm 99% sure they had sex. Cheaters lie and then they lie some more.

Serial cheaters rarely have the drive to do the work to make meaningful changes to be a safe partner, sorry to say. If he wants to fix your relationship, then he should be moving mountains to make the changes to become safe.

Also, his outright lying to you (or gaslighting you) through your whole relationship is considered abuse by some people. He hasn't provided you with the information you needed to make informed decisions about major life choices. He purposefully withheld information from you. I'm guessing he's probably had sex with some, and that can have consequences to your health.

He sounds so very unsafe to me. I am sorry you are going through this, but how wonderful to have a child as a result.

It looks to me as if you define 'success' as 'R(econciliation)'.My reco is to redefine 'success' to mean 'survive and thrive.'

You've got a child from this relationship, and some joy and comfort, but only at the expense of lies and being betrayed. It's possible for your XF to change from cheater to good partner, but it's going to take a long time, and it's going to take major changes from him.

AT this point, I don't read you to be describing a person worth committing to. Your best bet may be to work with him on custody, and use contact over ensuring your child's best interests that as a way to gain insight into his quality as a candidate for R. If he entirely gives up his seeking connection with other women, tells no more lies, and shows himself to be a person you want to be with, maybe R will be a good choice for you.

But my reco is to enjoy your freedom to meet other potential partners. You might find someone great who won't cheat on you. No guarantees, and you'd do yourself a favor if you got good at verifying that your trust has been earned, but a guy who has lied to you for more than 4 years and all of your relationship does not seem like a good bet to change.

I confirmed with all of the women that he was in contact with the scope of their "relationship".

You shouldn't be confident that these women would tell you the truth, particularly since many of them may be married or in relationships themselves. There also could be others that you simply don't know exist.

I’ve decided for now that he should have limited contact with our child. Until we are stable, it’s unfair for her to have him in and out of the picture with both my/his emotions high.

I’ve asked that he coordinate with a lawyer to send proposed custody plan.

I can understand why you limiting your contact and interactions with him, but he should still be active in his child's life and sharing the responsibilities of parenting. If he's fine with not having any contact with his kid for an indeterminate length of time, that's a red flag in and of itself.

I was in your shoes (minus a child) at a very young age. I looked 10-15-20 years down the road and didn't like what I saw for my future. I left and am very glad I did. He never changed. My life did. For the better. I hope yours does too.

I have five friends who married serial cheaters.

One had no idea he was a serial cheater. High school boyfriend - they married - he cheated. Luckily no kids & she divorced him. He remarried and cheated in the next wife too.

One was cheated in before engagement, during engagement and during entire marriage. He never stopped cheating. Went through a 3 year messy divorce wherein he refused any settlement on the table. She eventually got out but not without long term damage.

It is painful to watch the lovebombing and promises being made, only to see it fall apart and the cheating resume.

Whatever it is he’s looking for, monogamy and trust don’t appear to be in his DNA.

If he has been cheating during your entire relationship and with multiple women, he is a serial cheater. These types retake YEARS if therapy to maybe one day become a safe partner. Emphasis on maybe. My advice is to cut your losses. Maybe after a few years of therapy AND hard work on his part you and he can reconcile. The shitty part is that you will never get back the innocence you once had in this relationship. You will always have to be the affair police. Even if he does the work, it only take one questionable event and you are right back at square one suspecting him and investigating. That's no way to live.

Hi Betrayedmom1, I'm so sorry you are here and hurting. I had three kids under the age of 5 when my WXH cheated on me and I felt like the rug had been ripped out from under me.

My opinion is that he isn't going to stop. He intended to always have that app for himself on the side. This is someone who is who he is, and feels completely entitled to do this.

The question for you is whether you can live with this or not? Take your time to make good decisions but it doesn't sound like you even have the whole truth yet and you didn't get it from him, you caught him in lies.

I'm so sorry honey, take care of you and your child, you are doing a great job!