SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

There are many layers to my husband’s infidelity including alcohol, compulsive lying, and gaslighting.

Buckle in folks! This is going to be a long one…

On Friday night/Saturday morning 2/10, I (29F) discovered that my husband of four years (32M) had been engaging in sexually explicit conversations and exchanging pornographic images via private messages with *many* strangers (we’re talking approximately 30-40 people) on Reddit.

From what I’ve been able to discern from the messages I’ve seen so far (working on copying all of them just in case I need them for future legal purposes) he was doing this for approximately 5-6 months without any regard of the consequences for our marriage.

His engagement in sending explicit messages and images to strangers online has become a constant activity, consuming an average of 18 hours a day (according to iPhone screen time). This behavior appears compulsive and potentially addictive, given its frequency and immediacy, even occurring within *minutes* after having sex with me. His inability to refrain from sexting Reddit users immediately after having sex with me suggests a significant impulse control issue, where the need to engage in this online activity overrides other aspects of life and relationships.

**Something else to note about this:

When I confronted him about the messages he’s been sending to strangers online, he told me that he sees this behavior almost like a "writing exercise" and also stated that he started engaging in this behavior after finding a NSFW thread on Reddit about role playing. Based on this and various things related to this topic that he has said to me over the years, it is clear to me that his sexual gratification is derived more from descriptive language and conversational settings where images are exchanged and one-sided gender reversed role playing occurs versus watching pornographic videos. I’ve suspected for a long time that he might be high functioning ASD, so I’m wondering if some of this might stem from that. I have no clue. I might trying too hard to rationalize..

In addition to his infidelity, I also believe (which he has now acknowledged and accepted) that he has slowly developed a drinking problem over the past year and a half. He works at night, so if I come home from work on a day that he is off, it’s highly probable that he spent several hours drinking alone at home (usually while having these sexually explicit conversations with strangers online).

The most dangerous/concerning thing that he’s done while drinking so far (that I’m aware of at least) actually happened about a month ago. Despite agreeing (and confirming with me on multiple, separate occasions prior) to be a designated driver for myself and one of my colleagues after attending a post-holiday pizza/board game party with my colleagues, he spent 5-6 hours drinking at home alone before I arrived to pick him up and travel to the party. When I arrived home he was noticeably drunk, so I asked him quietly if he had been drinking and he replied "no". As I’m driving myself, my husband, and my coworker "LK" to the home of my other colleague "AS" (and our mutual friend) who was hosting the gathering, it became undeniable that my husband was completely intoxicated. An hour into the party, the entire group went to the basement to begin playing board games. At this stage in the evening, he was intoxicated to the level of passing out in a chair shortly after going downstairs with the group. I tried to help him sober up a little with pizza and water so he wouldn’t continue to attract unwanted attention. If I hadn’t noticed that he was falling down drunk and insisted that I drive all of us home, I truly believe he would have driven drunk that night.

*The last big thing is the lying and subsequent gaslighting…

While I only just discovered his infidelity and the increased alcohol usage has only just come to a head, the last thing that has become borderline intolerable since he returned from a short military thing has been his compulsive lying over matters both significant and highly trivial and then the subsequent manipulation and gaslighting when I would confront him. The trivial lies were much worse right after he returned than they had been recently (I could see him lying about the color of the sky), but my god it sometimes feels like he’s lying for the sake of lying.

When I’ve confronted him in the past about his compulsive ies, he responds one of two ways. His first response is typically to feign complete ignorance (which I think it intended at least subconsciously to make me feel insane). His next response is to become completely silent but visibly agitated (as in his entire body is stiff and ridged and he’s rolling his eyes and pursing his lips really tight). Essentially, he’s acting like he’s pissed at me for confronting him about lying. This response manipulates me into feeling at fault which leads me to apologizing for addressing the issue to begin with. Any and all attempts to resolve this conflict by calmly and openly discussing his specific grievances or the reason for his noticeably visible (yet silent) anger with me are met with his intense, passive aggressive refusal to communicate. This behavior leaves these conflicts unresolved until I am emotionally coerced into taking responsibility and apologizing for attempting to address his dishonestly. Essentially apologizing to him for *his* pattern of compulsive lying.

So that’s the bulk of the historical context for what has completely broken me this week. We’ve had daily conversations about all of this since I discovered what he’s been up to and I think this is definitely his rock bottom. Not to give him any excuses, but it was almost like he wasn’t even aware of how bad everything had gotten until it all blew up. The day after DDay, he signed an agreement I had written for for him at 4 am (because what is sleep?) that acknowledges his destructive behavior and states that he agrees to seek and follow the instruction of medical professionals. Until the day becomes clear that he will not hold up his end of the bargain, I’m going to go on this journey with him, but I’m really struggling with all of this. I can tell that he clearly has something clinically wrong with him and I want to be patient, supportive, etc., but I don’t fully understand it. The whole thing is just so bizarre to me and I can’t help but feeling inadequate in some way (maybe as a spouse, maybe sexually, I don’t know) and like it’s all my fault. Yes, I know that isn’t rational or healthy, but I honestly can’t help how I feel. The night I found the all of Reddit messages, we had sex and within MINUTES he was in another room sexting one of these people on Reddit. Stuff like that makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me…

[This message edited by TheLibrarian at 6:39 AM, Friday, February 16th]

without any regard of the consequences for our marriage or potential legal consequences of posing as multiple young women and distributing pornographic images of unknown women to strangers on

This is a crime. There are multiple victims. Multiple crimes.

My friend, I don't know the laws in your state, but I believe what he has done, by sharing multiple images,of multiple victims, is illegal in every state. He's a cop. He knows this.

I strongly suggest you hire an attorney, for yourself, and find out if you can be charged if you knew of these crimes, and didn't report it.

The way he gaslights you is abusive.

If he is a sex addict, they have a very,very high rate of doing it again. And again.

Please know you didn't do anything to deserve this.

He needs to be tested for stds. So do you. Immediately. The chances that he didn't have sex with someone, is very slim.

Getting therapy is only a fraction of what you should require in order for you to attempt reconciliation.

They should,at minimum,be...

IC.

Std tests

Full transparency. You get full access to all accounts and the phone. Passwords included.

He answers all of your questions without anger, or defensiveness.

He is accountable for his time away from you.

He is proactive in healing the damage he has caused you,himself, and the marriage.

Complete honesty at all times.

Zero alcohol.

Your job is to watch his actions. Ws say a lot, and often don't follow through. See an attorney. Get tested. And take care of you.

Do not show him this site.

[This message edited by HellFire at 5:14 PM, Thursday, February 15th]

Welcome to SI and sorry to read your story. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that you will find helpful, plus some that have bullseye markers. Additionally, the Healing Library has a ton of information, including the list of acronyms we use. In the ICR (I Can Relate Forum), there's a thread for emotionless infidelity.

First, take care of yourself. If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist may be helpful. I would also suggest you find somebody who may also specialize in narcissistic, sociopathic or psychopathic abuse. The lying and gaslighting is abuse, and it can scramble your brain chemistry. You may want to watch some YouTube videos by Dr. Ramani. I'm not saying he is one, but the pattern of lying and gaslighting is similar to what my XWH who is a diagnosed covert narc did. Even the feigning not knowing.

His behavior is 100% his choice. It isn't anything you did or didn't do, said or didn't say, etc. It's common for the self-esteem to take a hit, but please work on that. Look at Miley Cyrus, Jennifer Aniston, Shakira, Halle Berry - all were cheated on. Adam Levine cheated on his Victoria's Secret underwear model wife.

But please focus on you and what you want. You do you and we're here to support you getting out of infidelity.

What Hellfire said 100%.

He's engaged in criminal activity. Are you legally culpable if you don't report this?

Dear Librarian, in this post there's much untangling of his motivations, his issues, his behaviors.

Don't see much about what YOU want, why you feel compelled to stay and "go on the journey."

That's one deep, dark sexual basement he kept hidden from you. Your description makes me concerned for YOU, concerned for your safety. Probably been going on for longer than you think, and there may be more to this. Don't let the heinous Reddit stuff distract from the overall big picture here. The lying, gas-lighting, anger, DARVO, silent treatment, and deceptive sexuality are classic EMOTIONAL ABUSE! He is not a safe person. You're not obliged to stick around to be the target of further emotional abuse while he unpacks his baggage. Protect yourself! He's got SERIOUS work to do. HE broke the marital compact. And YOU can't fix him. Only he can fix himself - hopefully with competent professional support. The alcoholism, lying, compulsive behaviors and out and out gaslighting (writing exercise!!!!) point to YEARS of hard work, introspection and rehabilitation on his part. A harsh reality - sorry to say IF there are certain underlying personality disorders (???) it's possible that substantial change may not be achievable.

If it helps, this stranger on the internet's knee-jerk pie-in-the-sky response to your situation = if you're committed to "the journey" let it be HIS journey. Seems that separating yourself from HIS drama/emotional abuse, and stepping away to focus on YOUR healing from the abuse could be wise - for both of you.*** Don't set yourself on fire to keep him warm.*** If he's serious about turning things around and getting the help he obviously needs to become a safe partner, he should take full responsibility for his treatment. HE must drive his own recovery bus. Yes, you love him, want to help him - a five year marriage is a substantial investment of emotional bonding, time and energy. But dear Librarian, sometimes love isn't enough.

Finally, be alert to the sunk cost fallacy:

"The sunk cost fallacy is the improper mindset a company or individual may have when working through a decision. This fallacy is based on the premise that committing to the current plan is justified because resources have already been committed."

ETA:

Search MinwallaModel "The Secret Sexual Basement" By Dr. Omar Minwalla and his white paper on deceptive sexuality will pop up. Eye opening resource.....

Are there kids? What about your financial situation?

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 4:32 AM, Saturday, February 17th]

I agree that your H has probably committed criminal acts, but you need to ask and answer questions like, 'How serious are they? Felonies? Misdemeanors? What level of felony/misdemeanor? City, state, or federal?' So I recommend consulting a criminal lawyer to find out exactly where your H is in terms of criminal acts.

I say the above because I thought my W's A crossed the line into criminal behavior, and that kept me from taking some actions that might have ended the A earlier. Had I checked with a lawyer, I would have found out she had not broken any law.

******

You write a lot about your H. What about you?

Let's say something in his job traumatized him, and that caused a breakdown. I would have sympathy for him in that case, and I imagine you would, too. But his infidelity is traumatic for you, too.

You need to put your oxygen mask on first. You need to take care of yourself. You need to acknowledge your pain and process it out of your body. That's how to heal, IMO.

You're the only one who can deal with your pain. Your IC can help, but you have to do the work. You can't heal your H - he's the only one who can do that.

So how are you doing? Anger grief fear shame wanting to freeze wanting to flee? Are you eating, sleeping, exercising?

*****

Have faith in your ability to heal. Life can get better. You can survive and thrive.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:14 PM, Thursday, February 15th]

If this is a complete turnaround from his normal behavior you need him to have a complete physical with MRI on his brain.

I dont want to pile on but you absolutely need an attorney for YOU. what he is doing is considered criminal. Using other people's pornographic images as a representation of himself.
Not good.
He is Flipping it back on you to keep you in control. To keep you doubting your sanity. To keep you from walking away.

You also 100% need to stop having serial relations with him. Get full STD testing that means blood work for hepatitis and HIV, and a pelvic exam for the other infections that spread sexually like HPV.

Please please please know we are here for you and will support you anyway we can. Do not let him k ow you are doing g these things coming here seeing an attorney and seeing your dr.

You need to take control of your well being. Protect yourself. If you have children make them and their safety the priority.

His patterns of behaviour ringing some bells for me also, and also the way you are responding by trying to make sense of his abusive behaviour. I bet you are a great person with high levels of conscientiousness and agreeableness (see Sandra Brown's research on victims of psychopaths).

My experience is covert narcissism presents like autism until the penny drops the apparent lack of awareness is a deliberate strategy to avoid responsibility. Does he do the disappearing act, or the weird self talk like he is arguing with his own mother/father.

In any event someone can be autistic and disordered.Some people just don't have a conscience. He will tell you what you want to hear to get what he wants (access to alcohol, sex, appearance of a normalcy through you to conceal his dysfunction etc). I hope you can find a way out.

Edited: oh yes the "writing exercise" rang bells too. The lies get more and more fanciful as time wears on, and the worst thing is we stay! By the time I was litigating with my ex his instructions to his lawyer were so fanciful as to be hilarious. I suspect I protected him from his own idiot self for a long time.

[This message edited by VezfromTaz at 11:57 PM, Friday, February 16th]