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I have noticed the past two times I’ve taken a shower and I stand in front of the mirror I get "triggered" I immediately start to spiral and want to ask a lot of sexual questions to my H regarding his A. Last time I didn’t stop and i hounded him for hours. Today I shut myself in our bedroom and told him that after taking a shower triggers me. Is that even the right word? I can’t avoid showering ( well I can but yuck). I think I’m proud I recognized the correlation between the shower and the spiraling and anxiety. I feel like I have more control over how I handle it? Yet sex with him doesn’t trigger me. I’m wondering if maybe it’s my self esteem ? Idk.

I feel crazy. This is a new trigger and I feel like I’m gaining more weird ones over time. At first my H couldn’t close a door in the house because it reminded me of him shutting me out. He couldn’t pee alone for weeks, my oldest daughter didn’t like avoiding the hallway.

What the heck is this weird metaphorical crap?! Tell me I’m not alone.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 8:38 PM, Thursday, February 15th]

Welcome to your brain on trauma. I didn't quite spiral the way you do, but I did have anxiety attacks in the shower. It was months before I would stand in front of a mirror that showed more than just my face.

It does get better.

Thank you for sharing.
Also thank you for the reassurance I won’t live here forever.
I read somewhere on average after infidelity we experience 1500-3000 triggers?! Kill me now.

Do you have a complete written timeline?

Sounds to me like there is more TT left for you.

I do have one along with a ton of questions and answers.

Also I hope to God I don’t. He’s assured me and both counselors it’s all out because if there was more I would probably be done at this point.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 2:33 AM, Friday, February 16th]

So you are less than 5% through "3-5 years". It's normal to have a ton of questions and it's normal for you mind to latch on to them in the shower or just before bed or whenever you actually have a moment of calm to let you mind actually think about things instead of being in survival mode.

Identifying and working through the triggers is part of what trauma and healing is. We all deal with pur own.
Maybe get some good music on in your bathroom when you shower to keep your thoughts focused. I have a blue tooth speaker in my bathroom and the acoustics in there are great and am known to have my favorite songs on when I shower.
Unfortunately you can't go under over or around this. You have to go through it but as you do you heal a bit.
Also the questions are normal. I finally wrote out the ones that made no sense and had him write the responses. This helped me as well.
Be kind to you. Trauma is real. It takes time and focusing on your needs to get there.

TushNurse

Also the questions are normal. I finally wrote out the ones that made no sense and had him write the responses. This helped me as well.

There are still several stupid questions I have that make no sense to me and I have asked him and they still don't make sense and maybe they don't make sense because I am comparing it to what I would do or what seems "ethical" I know nothing about an affair makes sense.

He told me he told her he loved her a few times "to keep her on the line" but she never said it till the end.
My H is not one to just spit out I love yous and not get them in return. I don't even know if this matters, I think the only reason why it does to me is because it just proves lies (if she indeed did say it back).

I just feel like I don't know when I will know if I have the full truth, I may have to accept I may never have it because they were in a fantasy land and he had his head up his ass.

He told me he told her he loved her a few times "to keep her on the line" but she never said it till the end.
My H is not one to just spit out I love yous and not get them in return. I don't even know if this matters, I think the only reason why it does to me is because it just proves lies (if she indeed did say it back).

Affairs are transactional in nature and almost everything they do is in service of keeping the affair going. If telling the AP that you love them is needed to keep the sex coming...he did it. That doesn't make it okay or excuse his behavior in any way but it also should be put into context that waywards will do whatever it takes to keep the affair fantasy going and since they've already told a thousand lies by that point and they are in deep, telling more lies that they "love" the AP is just more of the same in the lying department.

Whether or not the AP "reciprocated" the "love" is in many respects not relevant. I understand that it may feel important to you and I would never tell you to feel differently, but I would offer up the perspective that the AP's feelings towards your WH are and should be completely irrelevant to both of you. That is not to say that you minimize the damage that she did to your marriage and your family, but whether or not she "loved" your WH is not really the issue. Because you have to keep in mind that she was in an affair and doing whatever she needed to do to keep the ego kibbles coming.

That's kind of the kicker - you can't project your thought process on your WS because their thought process is disordered. Applying logic to an illogical situation can drive you bananas.

Many of the questions that I had for my XWH were things he didn't want to answer. He's also a covert narc, so he felt entitled to do what he did and didn't think he'd get caught. It took me a long while to recognize this (about a year).

That makes sense , sadly though.
H is still stuck in the shame spiral (some days) He really hates to talk about the gritty details, I have backed off of them for now because i know in the end it will only hurt me.
I am trying to focus on the big ones that I still have that will not let me close this book.
I have told him a million times , it isn't about WHAT you did now, it is about me getting the TRUTH to big questions.

He swears it is all out and that some stuff doesn't make sense because she had no self respect and he had no self respect, that they were two lost people at the bottom of their "shit" life trying to feel better about themselves.

I would never let a married man have sex with me, especially if he was still with his wife and never intended on leaving her, hell she saw me at one of his shows, we were kissing and hugging, I guess when he says she was dumb and had no self respect, he was right but hey, neither did he.

I read somewhere on average after infidelity we experience 1500-3000 triggers?!

I've never heard this before, but it doesn't really surprise me. I promise you it does get better over time and the intensity of each trigger definitely fades. I'm 7 years out and I still get the odd trigger every once in a while (we're talking MONTHS apart - maybe 2-3 a year at this point) but what I consider a trigger now and is like a dull/distant discomfort compared to the intense white hot, all-consuming, searing IMMEDIACY that I experienced when I was where you were. Like so many have said, please be kind/patient with yourself.

There are still several stupid questions I have that make no sense to me and I have asked him and they still don't make sense and maybe they don't make sense because I am comparing it to what I would do or what seems "ethical" I know nothing about an affair makes sense.

This was one of the issues I grappled with the longest - it was probably the hardest book for me to close. Neither my husband or his AP exchanged "I love you"s but I spent like a full year trying to understand how you could risk everything for someone you don't love. I dug and I dug and I dug (unsuccessfully) to try to prove that this was not true.

Emergent

This was one of the issues I grappled with the longest - it was probably the hardest book for me to close. Neither my husband or his AP exchanged "I love you"s but I spent like a full year trying to understand how you could risk everything for someone you don't love. I dug and I dug and I dug (unsuccessfully) to try to prove that this was not true.

He finally answered me and told me that when he told her he loved her she would say " I feel the same way but saying it would make it too real" I guess that it is believable, after all he was married and she didn't want to get "hurt" I have so many mean things to say. At the end she finally said it and that is when he told her he loved me and the kids and she yelled at him for "mind effing" her.

He said he only told her that he loved her because he needed to keep getting the high and that he never loved HER just HOW HE FELT when he was with her .... I think that is the best I will ever get on that, i just need to close the chapter on some things and this is a big one, he TT this to me, he denied ever saying it then came out later and told me (guilt maybe?) who knows.

As far as the triggers, I am very proud that i recognized I needed space and I was able to pinpoint what started it, where it came from, and to NOT lash out. I was blow drying my hair and i texted him and told him i would come out when i was ready. He fed the kids dinner and I stayed in there until i could talk myself off of the ledge. I know I wont always have this much self control. but lets count the wins here. He was proud of me and obv happy he wasn't my target although he deserves it.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 6:07 PM, Friday, February 16th]

I remember a brief time that the site of my own body made me think of the A, and that was miserable, but it didn’t last very long. I hope this passes quickly for you.

I remember a brief time that the site of my own body made me think of the A, and that was miserable, but it didn’t last very long. I hope this passes quickly for you.

Thank you Ink Hulk, it is just so odd because it only triggers me when I am alone , sex and things with him I feel empowered and sexy ( maybe it is because he helps build me up)

I need to stop comparing myself to the AP , honestly physically minus bigger boobs she has nothing on me and even then they aren't nice. I have to work on my self esteem and self love.