SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I haven’t really started a « general interest » thread before, but here goes…

Reading HellsNotHalfFull’s last post I was struck by him saying something along the lines of he felt foolish for allowing the OM in the house.

I wanted to say to him he can add me to the unbelievably naive club but I didn’t want to t/j

Here’s my WOW AM I STUPID moment below. I am curious to hear other people’s most stupid moment of the A.

My husband took his two secretaries on a luxury vacation. Did other folks where he worked do this for their employees…absolutely not. I remember in marriage counseling he kept saying, « well Elon Musk does it ». (Grandiose much?!)

I was actually invited on this trip and declined. I was so trusting. One secretary brought her husband but of course the AP did not, although he was invited too. I remember telling co-workers and parents at our kids soccer games that he was away on this trip. At the time I thought I was just complaining, like whining about poor me, home doing soccer tournaments, etc. Now, in retrospect, I realize those people must have thought I was absolutely insane. Who does something like this? And whose wife agrees?

When he returned I think I knew. Not in my conscious awareness yet but it must have been there. For years afterward he would complain about how the fact that I didn’t want to hear all about the trip made him feel « disconnected ». And that « disconnected » feeling led to the cheating. Yeah right. At least I am not that naive anymore. It is shocking to me that all this happened in plain sight. Frankly, I guess the AP could be forgiven for thinking we had a seriously fucked up marriage to have a wife agree to such a thing. Live and learn…

Other folks stories?

I’m so proud of you, your very own thread

I’ll be the first of many to say that, of course, you WEREN’T stupid. Just trusting, and there ain’t no laws against that.

But I totally feel you here. The infamous trip that my wife took to be a nanny to POSOM and OBS’s kids is my "how did I miss it" moment. I had felt something was off, but could never have put words to it. When this absurd trip came up, it was so far beyond reason. Like, wait, you want to leave OUR kids for a week so you can watch THEIR kids? And WHY would you do that? I’d really been trying to give her room to find her place in the world, but this was insane. I flat out said that I did not want her to go. She went anyway. I don’t know if that was the catalyst for me going into my retrospective jealousy/"what the fuck is so wrong with my life" phase, but the timing is pretty close. How she thought she could pull this shit off, she got pretty brazen. Truly shows how completely I trusted her.

#neveragain

You aren't and weren't stupid at all.

You did what needs to be done in a relationship, you TRUSTED that person and that doesn't make you stupid. STUPID is the person who takes advantage of this marvellous gift you are giving them. Stupid is the person who crushes your heart knowing you don't deserve it.

Give yourself a hug.

Oh yes! Although at this point, 5 years from DDay, I know it was because I trusted him, and why would I question what he was telling me?

WH was working 2 hours away on a river project so he had a place there. When it was over, he had to go back for just 2 more weeks because rain had eroded some places and they had to be shored up. He had already let the place go he had been renting. Well, he and I were heavily into Pokemon Go at the time and he would go to the park in that town to make the "circuit" of gyms. There were plenty of other players there as well that he had met. He had joined their chat group so he could get updates on events and stuff. Anyway, he told me that a couple had offered to let him rent a room in their house.

I thought "Oh how NICE of them." I even thought about baking them a cake or something to have him give to the couple as a thank you. Of course, he was talking about OW and staying at HER house! I guess maybe he felt too guilty and told me that he had decided not to take them up on their offer and rented a hotel room instead. Well, that was a LIE! He DID stay at her home (she had 2 young children who slept in the room next door ).

I felt SOOOOOOOOOOOO stupid when he told me! He literally told me to my face that he was going to shack up with his AP and I'm all like...wow, how nice, I should bake them something as a thank you! OMG, if he hadn't told me he was instead renting a room, I would have done it, and given it to him, so that he and AP could share it and laugh at me about how stupid I am!

I know, I know, that's just my imagination in overdrive, but it's a scene I can easily see.

So yeah, you're not alone. I'm sure there would have been more moments like this, but because he was away for 6 out of 7 days a week, it was very easy for him to get away with his infidelity. I was working at the time too, so no worries about me popping up randomly either. I still wonder if his push to get me to find a job was for that exact reason too. Of course, he denies it, though he was a real dick about it. He'd never cared if I had a job before, or since.

You are not the stupid one in this equation.

The women one this trip were pretty dang stupid. To cheat on a woman who trusted you enough to go, pretty dang stupid.

My affair was also in a business trip in which the AP’s wife was aware that we were traveling alone together. In today’s world, that’s just commonplace having to travel with the opposite sex.

My husband cheated on me in my own house with our employee for 18 months. I. Had. Zero. Idea. He worked out of our house and I knew they were there during the day together often. I don’t feel stupid, I feel like I did nothing wrong but allow him to conduct business. I never imagined he would give her a second look, we used to kind of kid about some of her tendencies. She was rough around the edges and smoked like a chimney, which he hates.

Honey, every single one of the bs here were duped. You do not have to take on the shame of what a dubious person does. That is your husband cross to bear, you hold no responsibility of his cheating.

[This message edited by hikingout at 6:28 AM, Monday, February 19th]

It didn't occur to you that he would do that b/c you would never do that to him. Expecting someone to be a good person doesn't mean you're stupid. I mean are we all stupid for assuming a car won't plow into our car at a stoplight? Of course not. We expect them to stop b/c that's what we, and all normal people do. Give yourself some grace my friend.

[This message edited by IDeservedBetter at 10:37 AM, Monday, February 19th]

"I mean are we all stupid for assuming a car won't plow into our car at a stoplight?"

Very descriptively true deservedbetter.

We just don’t expect our spouses to play smash em derby with our lives so we keep on driving down the highway.

EXWH cheated a lot of places and situations I didn’t know about in our normal-seeming life I imagine. But the one that stands out was when he was supposedly caring for a close family member for a weekend post surgery. What he was actually doing became the end of our marriage once I found out and picked myself up off the ground from the trauma and shock of being plowed into by people I thought were friends.

PS give yourself lots of grace and take exquisite care of yourself. We would not do what they did so we don’t see it coming and of course it comes as a big surprise.

I am still at the stage I feel "Stupid" too, although I know it is the AP that was stupid to knowingly screw a married man.

My H claimed he HAD to work all of this OT to make more money to support us and if he didn't then he felt crappy about himself, which led him to picking up Monday evenings to "work". I stayed home with the kids after also working FT and being the breadwinner so he could go have sex with his AP anywhere he chose.... I still look back and think of what I was doing during that time and how I could have been so naive and trusting. I was telling everyone how much he loved me and the kids and how "hard he was working for us"

Thank you H for now making Mondays one of my biggest triggers...

I eventually have to forgive myself for that because it isn't my fault, just like you trusting isn't your fault. You did what you were supposed to do during the M and he did not.

I have a long way to go and I really see IC helping me, I am one session in but she focuses a lot on self love.

Hugs and good luck, this ride sucks...

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 2:23 PM, Monday, February 19th]

Honey, every single one of the bs here were duped. You do not have to take on the shame of what a dubious person does. That is your husband cross to bear, you hold no responsibility of his cheating.

While i do believe it is my wife's cross i also believe it is mine to bear. The gravity of infidelity makes it hard to escape its mass and pull. i believe that the formula of time and distance (with some work thrown in) is the only way to escape. What i am wondering is if the weight of the cross gets less or if a person gets stronger from carrying the cross around. It more than likely is a combination of both.

Just wanted to add myself to the Fucked-Up Business Trip club (and yes, I was also invited).

So, none of that was your fault. You should be able to trust your husband to go on a trip.

The "best" thing to come of all that for me was realizing that unless I chained him to a rock, WS's fidelity was 100% outside of my control. It felt freeing to let go. But it took a lot of therapy to get there.

I have a long way to go and I really see IC helping me, I am one session in but she focuses a lot on self love.

This is key, and becomes a blueprint for decision-making in the future. You're on your way! Take care!

[This message edited by HardKnocks at 2:53 PM, Monday, February 19th]

While i do believe it is my wife's cross i also believe it is mine to bear.

I understand the inclination to bear it, but I think it has been helpful to me to fully consciously reject every bit of it until my subconscious gets the message. I have a kind best friend that I talk to about stuff. He really has been a shoulder to cry on and given mostly good advice (for someone who has thankfully not been afflicted by infidelity). But when he started treading anywhere near "unmet needs" lies from hell, I unleashed a "fuck off" on him. Thankfully our relationship can handle that and we’re good, but I’ve got myself well trained to reject that. I think it’s done me good.

There were a lot of red flags that I ignored until after DDay, when they all of a sudden made perfect sense.

You wanna talk about stupid? I convinced myself that the trich with which I was diagnosed after his second A had lain dormant in him since before we were married ten years earlier. Technically, it CAN remain dormant, but it's highly unlikely that it would for that long. The mental gymnastics I performed to remain safely in denial were impressive. Occam's Duct Tape was in full effect.

My "I’m such a dumbass" was when my ex said he was getting a ride to work with OW#1 (he normally walked 15 min).

She pulled up in her convertible and he hopped in. I remember watching them drive off, thinking they looked a good-looking couple going out for a night out on the town.
But I convinced myself I was just being needlessly jealous and insecure.

Whenever I am tempted to go against my instincts, I remind myself of that moment.

Whenever I am tempted to go against my instincts, I remind myself of that moment.

My gut moment was at a company party right before the A went into full swing. We had to ride a bus from their workplace to the boss's house. As we were getting on the bus, AP and H were horsing around while walking down the aisle. My gut was in full DO NOT LIKE mode.

So, StillConfused, unless you are prepared to call ALL of us naive foolish morons, you should really reject that notion for yourself. You are in excellent company with the betrayed. Stupid has nothing to do with it.

Other folks stories?

How about an LTA with the AP as the family friend for 4 years?

We’re not talking 1-2 weird situations — I had to actively ignore some clues. Our two families had dinners together, watched each other’s kids, kids trick or treated together, etc. They always had answers to my questions, but when I reassembled my reality after discovery, the road map was very clear.

We all want to see the very best in the person we love the most.

That’s not stupid.

After infidelity? We still want to see SOME good in that person who hurt us — especially if we are considering sticking around.

Unfortunately, I now have experience, based on being too trusting. With that experience, I don’t ignore any signs of any kind.

These responses feel really good—which is a clue to me. When other posters said I shouldn’t let myself feel stupid (thank you Ink, Molly, IDB, Groot, Jason, Hard, SS33, BTB, OW) I was initially thinking, « I know of, course, I’m not stupid » but the fact that hearing these affirmations felt so good makes me further suspect subconsciously that I feel I missed something glaringly obvious and that I should not have. ». I need to stop using retroactive shoulds.

Each of our stories are different. I am accepting more and more that it is not my fault I did not pick up on the signals that there was something seriously amiss with my husband. I found him suddenly shallow and selfish (obsessed with buying a sports car), dismissive of our kids needs (after a lifetime of being a really involved dad). I just didn't like him very much anymore. This is the good thing of the cheating for me…if he had stayed on course to becoming more materialistic, vapid and singularly success driven I would not have wanted to stay with him anyway. The cheating—and more importantly getting caught— broke the spell.

Ink, you said « I don’t know if that was the catalyst for me going into my retrospective jealousy/"what the fuck is so wrong with my life" phase, but the timing is pretty close. How she thought she could pull this shit off, she got pretty brazen. ». <==what did you mean by this? Retrospective like now or back then? Also, the brazenness blows me away too. At the end he went into the woods with her in the middle of the day, with his FindFriends on. I followed them right in and found them there screaming at each other. So romantic ;)

Fournlau, you said « I still wonder if his push to get me to find a job was for that exact reason too.«  I suspect the same. I’m also getting a big no in response on that one.

HikingOut, thank you. You said « I never imagined he would give her a second look, we used to kind of kid about some of her tendencies. She was rough around the edges and smoked like a chimney, which he hates.«  This was a HUUUGE factor for me as well. When he was thinking of hiring her I actually looked her up on their company directory. She looked like a frumpy puppy, older than us, dead eyes (LOL). I told him to definitely hire her. Now if he criticizes someone’s appearance at work my ears perk up

Shehawk, sounds like you were betrayed by more than just your husband. That is crummy. Did you cut the entire crew out of your life?

Groot: it is too bad how in the future them doing something that should be a nice thing may always be a triggery thing.

Jason: I agree about it being both with the cross. It gets a little lighter and we are getting very strong!

HardKnocks: The Fucked-up Business Trips club. I love that. Yes……

Ink: you’re right Unmet Needs I did my pick me penance on that altar for 7 years. Before I knew it was physical. I was oh so sympathetic about the hardships of not getting enough sex, back when I thought she had tried to kiss him and he politely said no. What a hero!!!!

OldWounds: the years later aspect makes angry. If he had told me 8 years ago these screwed up memories could have been made clear. Instead they are just a bit less foggy…

[This message edited by Stillconfused2022 at 9:25 PM, Wednesday, February 21st]

My WW and my BF spent a few weeks per year for 4+ years on business trips. One weekend they even invited the OBS and myself to join them. We all had a great time and we (me/OBS) left to get back to our jobs and care for our kids in different cities.

They got right back to their "business" after we left. I wonder if they gave each other high-fives?

Retrospective like now or back then?

It’s not a thread jack if the OP asks, right?

I’ve written some about this in the past, but in the months leading up to D-day 1, I was in a bad place. I had pursued my wife to the 9’s for a summer (in a timeframe when the physical part of the A had just recently ended, or so she says), and I was not able to get her to come to life in the marriage, and in fact she did this insane trip. I got depressed and my focus turned to this relationship she had in college before she and I met. I always knew something was off there. There is also a religious virginity element to it, I came into the marriage a virgin and this guy was her only other sexual partner. I found the term "retrospective jealousy" to describe what I was feeling. I now view that time as my subconscious telling me something was off and me doing what I could to respond. It was actually thru RJ that I found SI even before D-day. You can just imagine my wife’s face when I showed her this fascinating website I found

[This message edited by InkHulk at 4:23 PM, Tuesday, February 20th]