All,
I've been lurking and posting here for a couple of months, not because of infidelity that I am currently experiencing, but because my wife and I were inadvertently tangled up in a friend's affair. See https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/662223/help-wifes-friend-is-having-an-affair-with-older-guy-she-met-at-a-party-in-my-house/
It's time for me to share the story of my fWW's infidelity and our almost 3 year near-death march to a new marriage. Other than my wife & a couple of therapists, no one alive knows the details I am about to share with y'all. An unformatted version of my story is in my profile (https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/profile/?UserID=84340), but here's a formatted version.
I'm a guy in my late 40s and my fWW is in her mid 40s. Both of us are successful professionals with advanced degrees. We have two beautiful children (Middle School and Elementary School).
Background
Some 20 years ago, I met my wife when she was having coffee with my mom. I was a mama's boy. My dad was fantastic but mom was my everything. She was a successful executive and a role-model career woman and working mom. Mom was big into mentoring girls and encouraging them to pursue their professional dreams. My FIL worked in a junior role in my mom's organization. At his request, my mom was providing career advice and mentorship to my future wife. One day I had to borrow my mom's car because mine was at the shop. I was stopping by to return mom's car keys when she was wrapping up her chat with my fWW. That's how we met. I somehow got her number and called her and asked if she wouldn't mind grabbing lunch with me. She said she'd love to. One of my quirks is that I use obscure metaphors that I think are hilarious but most people don't get them. But she did. I was smitten but played it cool for a few days. She called me and said "I know you're playing hard to get but you have a bad poker face." 
The chemistry was undeniable and before you know it, I asked her, she said yes and we got hitched. My mom was over the moon and called my wife "the daughter I never had."
Early days
I got a lucrative job and we both moved to a Northeast metro. Over the next couple of years, I was working 80 hour weeks and traveling all the time for work. My wife tried to adjust to losing her long-term friend networks by volunteering at a local animal shelter and did make a few friends where we lived. But big city living in a cramped high rise apartment was grating on her. I knew my wife vented to my mom because my mom would probe me on it when we talked. Eventually, at my mom's suggestion, my wife decided to pursue a graduate degree and start a career of her own. I was fully supportive of this.
Grad School Blues
My wife was invigorated after she started her graduate program. We found a slightly bigger apartment next to the transit station from where her school was a 30 min ride away. She made lots of new friends, including a classmate who was the GF of a coworker of mine. But I was still traveling for work all the time and didn't spend QT with her like I used to. Date nights became infrequent and I was always on the phone or talking about work when we went out. Most importantly the sex life was perfunctory. Frankly, I was taking her for granted. We would fight about seemingly trivial stuff but usually one of us would apologize and we'd have really good makeup sex 
Soon our fights were becoming more frequent and more vitriolic, with both of us strained by work/school demands. One fall Sunday, we had a nasty tiff in the morning. To her credit, my wife apologized and said she wanted us to grab lunch at her favorite place and watch an improv show. Now, I had a big work event coming up and wanted to chill at home and watch the NFL. So I told her, how about some other time? She blew up and I responded with some nasty words. We'd always have makeup sex and cuddle after fighting but that time I didn't reciprocate when we hit the bed. She cried herself to sleep but the next day I apologized to her and told her I'd take her to a romantic B&B place in the country for the weekend. But some work thing came up and I forgot to make any reservations. I felt like a POS so I told my wife that I'd take her to Cabo after my upcoming long overseas work trip (Asia). I did book the flights and hotel this time. All for nothing as it turned out.
D-Day 1 - I know you cheated and I'm outta here
During my Asia work trip, my wife was unusually late returning my calls and emails but I chalked it up to the time difference and didn't think much of it. But as soon as I returned home, I viscerally knew something was off. The apartment looked more tidied up than usual but some of my things were slightly out of place. There was a faint but lingering odor of cheap vodka. My wife is a box wine girl and hated hard liquor. After dinner I asked her if she had anything to tell me. She said no, why are you asking. I told her that the place smelled of booze and I'm sure someone else was here drinking and doing God knows what with you last week. She got mad and threw her hair brush at me. I told her I ain't sleeping next to her until she fesses up and started crashing on the living room couch. As soon as I set my head on the cushion, I smelled it. It reeked of a man's $%^ and God knows what else. I went back to the bedroom and asked her "were you fvcking someone else on my couch?" She did acknowledge that she had a couple of her classmates and their plus one's over for a fall break party. But she denied and denied that she was with any guy and called me abusive for accusing her of cheating. I asked to see her phone but she claimed that she lost it at school 
. She later claimed that someone found it and gave it back to her, but conveniently it was factory reset.
I was convinced she was cheating and felt like a pu$$y. But I was prideful and wanted to show her what she was about to miss out on. I told my wife, don't call or email me unless it is to confess. Work was my refuge. I had a big deal to close and it was a career advancing step. I was lucky that I had to travel again for work, so most of the days I didn't have to come home to sleep. I booked an Extended Stay type place and moved my stuff in there when my wife was in campus. That way I could avoid running into her when I was back in town. I didn't return any of my wife's texts or voicemails. My only interaction with her was by email and only for things like bills and rent. I cancelled the Cabo trip of course. Thinking back, I didn't sense that my wife had any feelings for whoever the other guy was. She had the face and manner of someone who was ashamed of themselves. But in my mind, there was no coming back from this. Via a friend of mine whose brother was a lawyer, I got referrals for a few D-lawyers where I lived. I called them all and had free initial consults on the calendar, a few weeks out.
D-Day 2 - Outed by miscarriage
Days were a blur until that day when one of my wife's classmates (my coworker's GF) called me asking if WW was ok, because she unexpectedly missed a key term project presentation and wasn't returning calls. I rushed to the apartment immediately and found her crying in the bathroom. She had a miscarriage and was in severe pain from the bleeding. I knew it wasn't mine because I always wore a condom. I wasn't ready to start a family and my wife was allergic to the pill, so condom was a must. She was bawling and said she was seduced by this good looking undergrad guy, they were drunk and it was a one time thing etc. I did not believe she was fully honest, but she was in agony from all the bleeding. I told her to save the confession for later because she needed immediate medical attention. I still cared for her and felt like a POS for letting her suffer, so I took a couple of weeks off. I took her to and from the gyno, ran to the pharmacy to get her meds etc. I slept in the apartment but not on the bed or couch. I had a sleeping bag and slept on the floor next to the bed. I also tried to pull data from her phone but got nowhere. She still had a flip phone. Smartphones weren't ubiquitous yet at that time.
A couple of weeks later she was on the mend. Immediately, she started love bombing me and tried to hug/cuddle etc. I was cordial but told her that I still don't believe she was being fully truthful. She put on the waterworks and said that she had nothing more to hide, etc. I wasn't even remotely persuaded. I was still angry and felt repulsed by her touch. I realized that things were drifting, so I ended my ExtendedStay and signed a lease for a tiny studio apartment on the other side of town close to my work. I left unannounced after leaving a sticky note on the fridge telling my wife not to call but rather email me for anything apartment related or for emergencies only. My wife kept calling me and tried to engineer ways to get me to come to the apartment, but I just ignored it all. She sent me cards but I trashed them all. One day, she emailed me saying she got a job and was going start right after graduation (couple of months). She begged me to at least come and celebrate with her over lunch.
It was weeks since I had spoken to her and I figured a lunch won't be all that bad. Over soup and salad, I told her that I was happy for her. But now that she has a job, she can start a new life without me and I can move on as well. I told her that I'll pay for her apartment until the lease runs out. She was shattered and said she was a shitty person, kept apologizing and asking me to give her another chance. She tried to grab my hands and hug me, but I told her I was revolted by her touch. I told her that I regretted ever meeting her and I just wanted to get the fvck away from her. I paid the bill and walked away.
Needless to say, beneath my angry façade, I was brokenhearted and felt weak. For the first time in my life, I started therapy. I was seeing an in-network psychologist who was terrible. The sessions were short, perfunctory and useless. Now, I did let the D-lawyer appointments go because I wasn't yet ready to tell my family about this, mainly worried about how to break the news to my mother. I mean how was I going to tell my mom that the "daughter she never had" was a cheating $%^&?
A devastating family tragedy
On the family front. we were still playing the happy married couple for the fear of destroying our respective parents. Since we were living far away from our hometown, we could keep up this pretense without arousing suspicion. It was basically drift by inertia. Then one fine day, my dad called me and asked me if I was in a place where I could sit down. My heart sunk when he said that my mom was diagnosed with late stage cancer. Surgery was next day. Both of us dropped everything and rushed back home. The surgery went well and we were able to see mom smile. But the follow up/chemo/etc. was brutal. My mom lost her hair, developed bladder control issues (side effect) was in and out of the hospital. I was a wreck. My mom was this confident, gregarious, beautiful woman with long hair down to her knees, who overnight turned into a skeleton. Now I really didn't want to add to mom's woes by telling her that my marriage was on life support and the dream daughter-in-law turned out to be a nightmare. So I asked my wife to pretend to be a couple for mom's sake when we visited her. My wife was happy to oblige. Now, the surgery was just the first step and mom needed to be treated again. I took a leave of absence from work, my wife delayed her job start date and we temporarily moved back to my parents' place to help my dad support mom. We stayed in the same room for appearances sake but I couldn't fake my body language and my contempt for her betrayal. It didn't take long for my mom to sense that something was wrong between my wife and I. But we lied and told her it was nothing, just some usual marriage stuff.
A few days later, my WW and I were sitting by my mom's bedside. Mom was weak but still able to converse. Mom was candid about her fear of dying before she saw her grandkids. She berated me for delaying having kids and went on and on about how my wife would make a wonderful mother and how later pregnancies are hard for women, etc. My wife was playing along, saying that it was mostly up to me re baby. Something about that whole conversation triggered me. I lost my cool and told my mom that my wife was anything but mom material because she whored herself out in our marital space and miscarried her lovechild. My mom was shattered and asked my wife if it was true. My wife nodded and started bawling. She said she knows she failed everyone, how remorseful she is and how she'll spend the rest of her life making it up to me, etc. I felt like a giant pile of dung for doing this to my mom under these circumstances. I got on my knees and told my mom I was sorry for breaking her heart by revealing my wife's affair. My mom barely spoke to both of us the following days. The night before mom had her follow up surgery scheduled, I visited her alone and cried my heart out by her bedside. Mom kissed my forehead and said that if I were to decide to walk away from my marriage, I should make sure that when it's my time to meet the maker, I'd have no regrets about not giving my wife another chance. I told my mom I was hurt deeply but I'll not make a decision lightly or immediately. I fell asleep by mom's bedside and by the time I woke up, mom was wheeled out to the operating room. Hours later, we got word that the they got the tumors out successfully. But my mom never woke up after the surgery. She was weakened by all the chemo and her immune system was all but gone. A couple of days later mom developed pneumonia and body was rejecting treatments. After a lot of prayer, my dad decided to go for end of life care. My mother passed away surrounded by all of us. A big part of me died with her.
D-Day 3 - Funeral and a confession
I truly wanted to off myself for my outburst before my mom's passing. I cried for days after the service, after everyone came and went. Dad was never a crier, so basically my wife and I cried together. It was a weird cascade of negative emotions unlike anything I had experienced. Wave after wave of sadness, self-loathing, anger at my wife and stuff. One freezing night I was this close to swallowing a bottle of drowsy pills and drifting asleep on a park bench. But I didn't. We were still sleeping on the same bed at my parents' place and fWW would hug me a few times but I couldn't hug her back. She tried holding my hands but I pulled away. She was like "I am so sorry for betraying you but let me at least comfort you." I told her she had some nerve thinking she could comfort me when she brutalized me and kept lying about it. I told her I'm asking one last time. Tell me the full story, no detail spared. She broke down and begged me not to ask, because she did some unforgivable things. I told her I want all the details and if I felt like she was holding something back, we'd be done at this very moment. She couldn't stop crying. Both of us were exhausted and fell asleep. I woke up at an ungodly hour and immediately pushed her off me and got off the bed. My wife was also awake and said can we talk now? I nodded.
It all felt like an out of body experience. My wife broke down and gave me OM's name. I knew him from the apartment complex. He was an undergraduate guy on a student visa from a Middle Eastern country. He was a tall, good looking guy with long hair and wore fancy clothes, like night club wear all the time. Did I mention he was young? Like nearly 10 years younger than her. He was like one of the few students who had a car but he and his roommates would take the train to school, as did my wife. This a-hole was dating a girl who was in a class my WW was a Teaching Assistant for. My wife mentioned him a couple of times in passing, saying that he gave her the creeps. She said that a-hole would always try to chat her up but she kept her distance until that week (I believed her). Wife said she had overheard the POS' GF complaining to another girl that this guy was always hitting up every attractive girl when they went out. Wife said that she was flattered by his attention but knew that this guy was a skirt chaser and "not my type." But wife said she was angry and frustrated by my behavior and my inattention to her for a long time and that week she was seething from the fight with me that past Sunday. She told herself, it's just flirting, what's the harm. Besides, if it makes him jealous, he deserves it for ignoring his wife. The day she strayed, she it was cold, rainy and she had misplaced her student ID card somewhere on campus. But guess who was around to help her search for the missing ID card? 
My wife was grateful and offered to buy him dinner on campus. They had pizza by the slice but by the time they were done, it was dark and the train station was mostly empty. OM was chatting my wife up and she talked about marriage troubles. 
On the train back, the POS asked my wife if she'd like to grab some drinks and chill. My wife said she was tired and "weak" and thought a couple of drinks might help her sleep better. POS said his roommates parents were visiting so can we chill at your place since your H is out of town. She said, sure. My wife told me that she knew where this was likely headed but felt intoxicated by being pursued by a younger, attractive guy.
They picked up some booze at a package store and she took him back to our apartment. They watched a movie and drank. At some point the POS kissed her and she didn't resist. They fucked like rabbits, stopped to get late night takeout and continued the process. They fvcked all weekend and then again two more times, including a couple of days before I returned. She said that she was flattered that a hot young undergrad was chasing her. She cried and said that she wasn't thinking straight because of the cheap vodka but admitted "I was so mad at you and wanted to make you jealous. But it went too far"
I couldn't say a word. My knees wobbled and I felt lightheaded so I walked outside. I threw up and cried my heart out behind a tree. But anger soon took over. [Trigger Warning - ethnic slurs] I went back in and I told her she and her terrorist &*(#$ fvcking BF's bastard child should've gone to his harem in his hellhole country. His mom and dad were probably siblings and no wonder his inbred bastard offspring died in your womb. [End rant]
I hit the stupid snow-globe that was like the first gift my wife got me with a hammer and it spilled out all over the floor. I went out and threw up again. Walked for a bit and came back. Asked her for more details. Did it feel good, if not why did you fvck all week? Did he make you cum? Was he bigger than me? She said you really want to know and I said I'm sure. She said yes he was bigger but she said it hurt. He was a brute, called her names, slapped her and pulled her hair etc. She said it felt good at first but she felt bruised and dirty afterwards. I stopped asking after that. I didn't just feel emasculated. I felt castrated. Heck I wished I had never been born.
Now as far as the AP is concerned, my WW said she called him to let him know that she was pregnant right after the test. But she said that he told her "How do you know it's mine? A married slut like you probably sleeps with many people. Try one of your other boyfriends to come over and don't call me again" or something like that.
I felt numb. Like a walking corpse. She was crying and begging me for forgiveness but I didn't feel anything. No sympathy, anger, no sorrow, no nothing. I told her I'm not sure what I wanted to do next but the one thing I knew was to continue living separately until I figure out what to do. I did thank her for being honest with me. She was literally on the floor grabbing on to my ankles but I told her I don't hate her or want her dead, I just wanted space. Told her not to call me or text, just email. Thankfully, I had another work trip coming up and my she had her onboarding training for her new job, so I didn't have to do much to avoid her.
Detach and drift away
My old boss was tasked with standing up a team to pursue expansion opportunities and I had a standing offer to join his new team. I finally said yes and immersed myself into work again. I also found a better therapist (out of my network, but highly recommended). Had to pay out of pocket but she was worth it. Had a few sessions which were more cathartic than therapeutic. Don't want to share much but I had some body image & awkwardness with women issues. I was also Dxed with adult ADHD, depression and anxiety and started taking prescription meds for those conditions. I fixed my diet, worked out regularly with a couple of coworkers, and took up a yoga breathing program that one of my workout buddies recommended. I almost didn't want to go back after the first yoga session because the instructor looked like my WW. But she went on maternity leave after one session and they had another instructor come in. The breathing exercises still help me to this day.
After DDay-3 I did hire a PI to see if my fWW's story checked out and also to do a full workup on the OM. It cost me a pretty penny but what the PI found out was that the OM had knocked up at least one other student and allegedly SA'd another girl. He had also racked up a ton of gambling debt - this was right at the end of the legal online poker boom. He also stiffed his roommates by not paying his share of rent and utilities and they had filed a small claims court case on him. So the POS left for his home country after that semester and never returned to the US. He has not been heard from since.
Note, WW & I did have a couple of drunken/post-crying sex sessions in the immediate aftermath of my mom's death but it all ended on D-Day 3. After that attack on my manhood, I actually thought I could be celibate for the rest of my life. I confess I did rub it out a few times but that's it. I felt like I was doing ok with my quasi single lifestyle. I stopped wearing my wedding band but didn't want any companionship at all. Time was flying by. My WW was busy with her new job and mostly respected my NC request, although she'd send me daily emails and forwards of corny redemption messages.
Moving day and a moment of truth
It's now six-ish months after D-Day 3. With my mom gone, I felt more comfortable making the split public and restarted the D process. We were de-facto separated for nearly two years, so this would just make it formal. We lived in a no fault state and by that time I was just ready to move on. Had a clean, fair financial framework and a separation agreement drafted up. I was told it would be available in a couple of weeks to share with my fWW.
We still had the old apartment to vacate since the lease (on my name) was going to end soon. WW had a temporary corporate apartment lined up near her office. I had left a few personal items back in the apt so I figured I'd stop by to pick them up and also give my WW a heads up about the D process in person. When I got there, she had cooked dinner for us. While eating, she started the conversation by asking me if "we" could move to a neighborhood closer to both of our jobs. I was like "we who?" She was like, wait "are we separating?" I was like, wait - what were you thinking was going to happen? I told her that I had the paperwork drafted up and should be available in a couple of weeks. I think the terms are fair but if you don't trust me, you should hire your own representation. I told her she can have all the furniture or anything else from the apt whatever she doesn't want she can donate to a local charity or junk it. I told her, of course I'll help her move. I was genuinely like "why is any of this a surprise to you? We have been practically separated for almost two years and frankly I can't recall the last time I missed you. I'm sure it's the same with you because you look pretty happy."
She locked herself in the bathroom and was heaving. Eventually she came out. We hugged and I left.
A Sexless Marriage?
The thing is, while what I said was true immediately after D-Day 3, for some reason I felt something for her that day. I cried in my car all the way back to my place. The following Friday was the move out day for WW. Not sure what I was thinking but I took Friday off and called my WW to offer help packing and moving her stuff to the storage location (until she had the new place). WW was like "are you sure, I've already lined up a local mover service." I was like "you know I'm the U-Haul king" (inside joke). We laughed together for the first time in a bit. The move and clean up took all day. We had to wash up so I drove her to my place. She still had some change of clothing in my place from the time when my mom was sick. After we both showered, I ordered pizza. I told her she was welcome to stay the night but don't get any ideas. We watched a movie and cuddled. I told her she looked beautiful. She kissed me and I didn't resist. I was hard and horny. But I could not enter her. Not sure if it was an anxiety attack but I just could not. I pulled up my pants and cried my heart out. She was holding me and comforting me but I could not stop. Told her, look I don't know if I'll ever be able to have sex with you or anyone again. I'm damaged goods. You broke me but I don't think you can do anything to fix me. My WW cried and told me she loved me and she will never forgive herself for what she did to me. She said if I would take her back she will spend the rest of her life making it up to me. She said that even if we don't have physical intimacy again, we can have a family using surrogacy or adoption, but she wanted to grow old together with me.
Call me a fool but I believed her. She moved in with me. I was tired of running. Around the same time a recruiter hit me up on LinkedIn about a more senior role in another company that didn't require weekly travel. It was also in another city where coincidentally my in-laws recently relocated to. After talking to my wife, I took the interview and got a nice offer. My wife's company also had a location there and she was able to land a position there. We were able to buy a big house in the 'burbs, with a spacious yard and stuff. But we were still unable to have sex. We cuddled and snuggled but I still couldn't fvck her. She was hurting but was supportive of me. She did a lot of research and often tried many "rekindle the romance" ideas. We consulted a sex therapist - expensive AF. We went to spa retreats. We watched "instructional porn" videos and ended up laughing ourselves to tears. I could still get off by masturbating but entering her was a mental block. fWW even gently suggested I could "practice back into normal" with an escort but I told her don't try asking that again. Eventually we figured this was our fate and fWW suggested while we figure a way out for sex, can we consider starting a family maybe using IVF?
Marriage 2.0: Electric Boogaloo
My employer at that time had generous fertility benefits and we started the process. Both of us had to separately get our reproductive plumbing tested and bloodwork done before IVF is deemed possible. I'm not going to go into too much detail but the tests showed I had low T (genetic) and that combined with my ADHD and anxiety meds were severely suppressing my already low libido. Wife had a few issues as well. Clinic suggested we address this and see if we couldn't naturally conceive. I got supplementary T and a different anxiety med. I didn't notice any immediate changes but whatever. My wife's brother's wedding was around the corner, so we decided to defer the IVF follow up until we were back. The wedding was a blast, but nothing happened when we were there. We got back home and were sore, tired and reeking of BO. As soon as we dropped our suitcases and plopped on the couch, my wife told me she was horny. I told her that she smelled like she was coming off the overnight shift in a Tijuana whorehouse. She said that as ripe smelling as she was she was still cleaner than that disgusting black Hanes sock I jerk off into. We laughed and wrestled and had sex on the living room floor. We then showered together and went for seconds.
That IVF program? Turns out we didn't need it 
. We welcomed a beautiful baby girl about 8 months later (preemie). She looks just like my wife but has dimples like me. A couple of years later we had another baby girl. She is a spitting image of my mom and has thick hair almost down to her knees just like my mom. Our life revolves around the girls now, but my wife and I do intentionally carve out time together for the two of us. Having her parents nearby has been a blessing. That's not to say it's been smooth sailing. After the second DD, my wife was laid low by PPD and I wasn't always understanding. But we worked through those times. I'm ashamed to say that I have used the infidelity card against her in anger a couple of times but apologized soon after. We have Life360 and even before that both of us had open telephone and SM access to each other's accounts. When we take business trips or other situations where one of us had to spend a night elsewhere, we'd always Facetime at regular intervals. Physically, both of us have gained and shed pounds too many times to remember. She's aged like fine wine. My aging largely consists of losing hair where I didn't want to and dealing with hair growth where there shouldn't be any. I have a dad bod but try to stay. Our sex life ebbs and flows but we do our best to communicate. There have been a few occasions where the mind movies flared up and cock blocked me. fWW has her pink pocket rocket handy for those times. I'd still give anything to make my fWW's weeklong A unhappen. But that's not reality. We both accept that neither of us will ever be who we were prior to that week. We muddle on forward, but as a family. Is this a happy marriage? I'd say so. It's a different marriage than what we had before but it's still a good one. Siskel and Ebert may not like our sequel but my wife and I have two thumbs up for our Marriage 2.0!
P.S: Note that I'm deliberately fudging some of the dates/years because I fear someone I know might read this and trace it back to me. If there are slight inconsistencies, they are a result of my clumsy attempts to fudge sensitive facts. I reserve the right to alter or delete this entirely any time.
