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I'm really torn. I want the OW out of our life. However, many people say that contacting the OW's spouse is essential. I don't want to start something that keeps the OW and her family in our life. What if the betrayed spouse is vindictive and starts problems? On the other hand, I understand that ethically, letting him know seems like the right thing to so. What are the pros and cons of contacting the spouse? Thank you for your thoughts.

I can only give you my experience. I am forever grateful, 30 years later, to the person who told me what was going on. They gave me the gift of having all the facts about my marriage. As painful as that truth was, continuing to live in ignorance would have been far worse.

There is nothing you are going to do or not do that will keep the OW out of your lives if she wants to be there and your WH allows it. Stop playing their game of chess. It only allows them to control the situation. So ask yourself if you would want to know if you were in her spouse's place. And then do the right thing without fixating on what your WH or the OW thinks. They never gave a moments thought about you, or what you would think.

There's a thread in the Reconciliation forum titled Just Found Out WW's AP Physically and Mentally Abused My Son.

OBS didn't tell the BH, so the BH said the AP could stay in their home not knowing about the A. Knowing about the A would have changed the outcome.

I’m the one who posted about AP hurting my son that leafields mentioned. In my situation, I was gone overseas for work, and pretty much within a week of me leaving I’d say WW affair was without a doubt an EA. I was gone, had limited cell service and due to my job there were times I could not communicate at all with my family. OBS discovered the A and immediately went to D. However she didn’t let me know. She made 0 attempts to contact me, and she absolutely could have. All I knew was AP was getting D, but I had no clue as to why other than AP/WW saying she was crazy and horrible and blah blah blah. If she had just told me something simple like "I’m D my H because he is having an A with your W" it would have changed everything. I don’t know what their situation really was, but I am extremely angry at her for not allowing me the agency. 3 people got to make a decision about my marriage without me, and that is so messed up.

Let OBS know, what happens after is what happens. He deserves to have the knowledge and be able to make decisions based on reality.

Telling the OBS is the right thing to do, not telling makes you a participant in the cover-up.

What if the betrayed spouse is vindictive and starts problems?

The fall out is something that he should have considered before messing with someone's spouse.

There really no Cons to telling OBS.

If OW is busy doing damage control, she will have less time to pursue your WH.

I would not tell WH, just do it.

WH will possibly say:

1. OBS is crazy/dangerous-will hurt OW or him. (Bullshit-if this were a possibility, they would not have had the A)

2. He is in the mob (only in TV)

WH will try to warn AP. AP will tell OBS you are crazy, so he will ignore you.

If you can call OBS, I would. Second best option, send overnight pack with proof of A.

My OBS and I only spoke twice, but we kept them away from each other and shut down the under ground.

Simple my opinion

Read Lying by Jonathan Wallace in the Ethical Spectacle. It is right on the money about why being lied to is so damaging. You are lying by omission because you know something that you are not telling. Please think about the other person and what lies they are being told every day.

It is not essential.

But, if you were in their shoes, would you want someone to tell you?

You can't control the fallout from telling them.

That fallout is not your responsibility.

But, the fallout from not being told. I know that all too well. It was awful, long, pernicious, and destructive.

My side of this...

I spent over 9 years struggling with the ghost in my marriage, which was the aftermath of an affair that lasted a few weeks and my FWS's issues being projected on to me. 9 years of thinking that I was the problem, being told in some instances that I was the problem. We even went to MC before D-day, and it did not help. After D-day...with a new MC who knew there had been an affair, a very different story emerged.

Had I been told initially, by some of the people who knew, I might have divorced my wife and run off with a woman half her age , I might have had a revenge affair , I might have killed myself or someone else , I might have bought a nicer car for myself instead of always making sure my wife had the nicer car , but that all falls on me.

Instead, I spent 9+ years dealing with shit I didn't know about, thinking it was something else, and that I was the problem to boot. I almost left my family. I was looking at jobs 100 miles away, thinking I could be close enough to maintain contact but far enough away to not be an issue.

Then, when it was to the point of happening, something else happened 14 years ago, D-day that is, guess what? Those people who didn't tell me, "friends", I don't talk to them, they don't visit my house, I don't even know if they are alive and I don't give a shit about them. I'm still married to my FWS, but we don't have friends that are not "friends of the marriage" any more. After D-day, after the real story came out, after the IC and MC actually had the truth to work with, after my FWS started dealing with her issues instead of blaming me, we cut those people out of our lives completely.

Those who didn't tell me, for a colorful way of putting it, "If they were on fire, I wouldn't even stop to piss on them!!!"

By the way, that applies to the other BS as well.

She didn't tell me, and she knew at the time, and she suffered at the time, but she didn't tell me, so I have no empathy for whatever shit she went through.

In my situation, my WH AP's husband found out about the emotional affair.

He confronted my husband and his wife and they convinced him they would end it. The OW husband decided not to send me the memo so I would not get hurt.

About a month later, the OW met my husband at his hotel when he was visiting her site. It was an afternoon delight. Had the OW husband informed me of what was going on, that romp in the hay in my WH hotel room never would have happened.

Once I found out, that was the end. WH dumped OW on D-Day.

Please inform him with just the facts.

I didn't tell on DDay for a garden variety of reasons. All that got me was the LTA going underground subsequent DDays. I told OBS when I found out they'd been continuing the LTA.

Not telling right away is one of my biggest regrets in life.

ETA - when you do tell, don't let anyone know you are going to do it. They'll find a million reasons to dissuade you.

[This message edited by Chaos at 8:29 PM, Monday, February 26th]

I can understand your dilemma. It’s always more difficult to do the right thing.
My WH’s AP was a divorced woman so I didn’t have the OBS to inform but boy do I wish I did. It would have helped end the affair more quickly and cleanly without it dragging on for months underground. And it would have put some consequences on the AP. If the OBS doesn’t know about the affair, there is a good chance it can start up again. Evil deeds must be exposed in order to stop them. Otherwise, they will fester in the dark. In addition, as long as the OBS doesn’t know, the AP is getting away with what she has done. And there is a possibility that the OBS is suspecting something, is being gaslit, losing sleep, etc . So if he knew the truth, it can be incredibly freeing for him.
I would say most OBS are not nut jobs who would come after you or your WH. Look at what happened to the betrayed spouses of the ABC Good Morning America hosts Amy Robach and TJ Holmes.