Another article from the same source which I found very helpful for those new to infidelity. I wish I had this one a few years ago. I want to emphasize the Bonus Tip - A LOT!! I realize this article is mainly focused on those attempting R, but the advice is sound for anyone working through infidelity, IMO. Plus, I believe some of this advice should be implemented in the next relationship to make it as strong as possible and help prevent infidelity in the future.
The discovery of infidelity severely disrupts your life. It is a violation unlike any other. Most experts who deal with infidelity say that the betrayed spouse deals with anywhere from 50 to 100 reminders and triggers per day about their spouse's infidelity. But we have a God who is far bigger than our circumstances.
Those of us who have traveled this road and have experienced true restoration can attest, the marriage we now experience is far better than what we once had or even thought we could have. What I heard Rick Reynolds say some time ago is absolutely true: you can never predict the end of the story by the beginning. I encourage you to stay the course and see what is possible with the right kind of help and support.
Over the years, I have found that hearing a story that is similar to your own is both reassuring and instrumental for both healing and perspective. When Rick asked me to share my story, I wondered what I could offer those living the nightmare. As I began to go deeper into my personal experience, I felt the need to share some very practical yet life-changing suggestions. I hope and pray they help you as much as they helped me.
5 Tips for the Unfaithful Spouse
1. You must stop the affair. You will need help to stop it. Find an experienced professional, spiritual leader, or someone who has lived through this type of situation. Getting the right kind of help from those who have gone through it before is critical to finding momentum in your recovery. If you're reading this, you've probably realized that your own efforts were not sufficient to prevent the affair, and doing more of the same won't be sufficient as you attempt to be an infidelity survivor.
2. Commit to creating an atmosphere of safety. Commit to openness and honesty on a daily basis. Be available by cell phone. Be willing to share your location on your smart phone. Hand over all passwords, e-mail addresses, bills, and any secret phones or credit cards and give your mate full access to all in order to give him/her assurance. Make a decision to have no unaccounted-for time in your day. If you're going to give this marriage a shot at being restored, be willing to do whatever it takes to restore trust. The way to reestablish trust is to first trust your mate with the truth about what's going on in your life.
3. Take responsibility. As bad as your marriage may have been, and as rejected as you may have felt, it still doesn't justify breaking a vow. Have the courage to say "I messed up." Take responsibility for your own recovery.
4. Develop empathy for your spouse. Daily express to your mate that you're sorry for the pain that you have caused and that you have deep appreciation for that fact that they are still there. Being able to express grief over what your actions have cost your mate is one of the first and most important steps to moving beyond the betrayal.
5. Be patient and ask your mate how he/she is doing. If you see your mate is down, simply ask how he/she is feeling. Our first tendency when we see those storm clouds brewing over our mate is to run for the shelter, but in recovery, it's best to be a tornado chaser by creating space to share about the pain.
Bonus Tip!
Don't be defensive. Usually, defensiveness sounds something like, "Well, if you hadn't. . . " Unfaithful mates often blame their mate and try to justify why they messed up. This defensiveness (and attempts at justifying infidelity) only add to the frustration, hurt, and anger.
5 Tips for the Betrayed Spouse
1. Express your feelings and thoughts without the destructiveness of rage. This one can be tricky and is especially difficult if discovery was recent. It will be somewhat easier if you are able to maintain the perspective that anger (even the rage you may currently be experiencing) is a secondary emotion. Instead of expressing your anger, talk more about the underlying feelings that evoked the anger such as hurt or fear.
2. Avoid rapid-fire questioning. Ask questions slowly, always asking yourself if the answer will be information you want to live with (and be triggered by) for the rest of your life. I would encourage you to avoid questions that would paint a picture in your head. Those are especially hard to These questions create the intrusive thoughts you'll later have to deal with. Ask yourself if the questions you're asking are helping you move forward or if you are asking them for some other reason.
3. Commit to forgiveness. This doesn't have to happen fast but, for your sake, you want it to occur. Don't fall into the trap of believing you can control your mate's behavior by not forgiving. Remember, forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Forgiving isn't the same as reconciliation but, if your mate is safe enough, forgiveness paves the way for the possibility of reconciliation. Forgiveness is also not a one-time act. There will be layers to your pain which will necessitate a commitment, in advance, to forgive as you move forward.
4. Allow yourself time and space to grieve and process what has happened. To attempt to heal the marriage too quickly is one of the leading factors of relapse for the unfaithful spouse. As social worker and infidelity expert, Leslie Hardie says, "It's not about the amount of time you give it; rather, it's about how you utilize the time you give it."
5. Recognize your vulnerabilities. Don't let your hurt, pain, and anger drive you to behaviors and choices you will later regret. Avoid putting yourself in vulnerable situations.
5 Tasks for the Couple
1. Find support. Try to find at least two or three people you can both agree would be safe individuals to share with. Having a safe place, apart from your spouse, to process feelings can be beneficial. It's helpful for you to have someone of the same sex you can vent to and grieve with, someone who is safe, is open to the marriage being saved, and has your best interests at heart. Your mate absolutely needs a trusted friend where they can do the same. If you don't have this outlet outside the marriage, chances are painful emotions will build up and come out in destructive ways.
2. Separate the marriage from the train wreck of the infidelity. Remember, there is more to your relationship than the infidelity. It does not rewrite your whole history although, sometimes, it may feel like it does. While you can never go back to what you had, you do have the opportunity, in time, to create something better.
3. Make time to talk about the marriage and the effects of the infidelity. One of the worst mistakes you can make is to stop the dialogue about what has happened. If you cannot process through the effects of the infidelity, it will most assuredly stall your efforts to heal as a couple and create underlying dissention in your heart towards your spouse. Allow time for both of you to process what you are learning about yourselves and each other along the way.
4. Arrange a problem-free time during which you can have fun and enjoy each other. This is a must. If you don't have this time, you will begin to feel like your identity and your relationship are just byproducts of the infidelity. Remember, there is more to life. So, try to find times where you agree not to discuss the infidelity.
5. Remind each other that your relationship can be better. You are building both honesty and empathy that were probably not there before the infidelity. Your relationship will emerge from this so much better if you let it. It will never be the same, but who wants to go back to the life you were living before anyway? This is an opportunity to build a new foundation with new patterns of behavior.
Affair-Proofing Your Marriage
While you cannot affair-proof your marriage, you can and must affair-proof your own life. This goes for the betrayed spouse too, who in many ways, is ripe for an affair if healing does not take place. The unfaithful spouse must take charge of this vital step if they are going to prevent relapse and eventually reestablish trust with their mate.
1. Assume that an affair could happen again and take precautions rather than assuming it will never happen again. Actively avoid putting yourself in harm's way. Together, with your mate, design "our rules" for keeping your relationship safe.
2. Both parties need to understand that temptations don't define us, and behavior does not equal motive. We have to be willing to be honest about dangerous situations around us. Understand that if your mate is willing to share something he/she is struggling with, then your mate is choosing to keep the marriage safe rather than to endanger it by hiding the struggle or weakness.
3. Marriages take work. Commit to working hard at your marriage. Be willing to put as much time into the marriage as you do into other activities you love. The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence; it's greener where you water it.
4. Be willing to talk about this issue as a couple. Be willing to honestly discuss any areas where the relationship is at risk, rather than just going through the emotions of it all. Autopilot seldom works in recovery.
5. Give back. If you've already recovered from a betrayal, be willing to give back to others who are still dealing with infidelity. There is no better preventive medicine than working with others who are coming along behind you. Their journey will be a constant reminder of the cost you incurred and experienced in your own journey.
There is truly nothing that the nearness of God cannot heal. The tasks on this list are just a few suggestions that will help you find and protect hope and safety in your marriage.
