SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know this is a US based site but there is often chat disparaging whatsapp etc.

In the UK (and I'm sure many other places) this is the main source of communication. More to the point, there are a million other ways for the WS to communicate that can't be found.

If they want to, they will is my point. It feels like this is hung up on a bit much.

Thoughts???

[This message edited by Ozzy1788 at 12:48 AM, Saturday, March 9th]

There are certain apps that make getting away with it easier,as they delete any messages and pics sent. Like snapchat. I'm not very familiar with whatsapp.

I know that snapchat is known to be very popular with cheaters. On pro cheater forums, they seem to gravitate towards snapchat and whatsapp for reasons.

If they want to they will..that doesn't mean a bs shouldn't set boundaries. Like nc..don't delete messages,no snapchat, etc.

[This message edited by HellFire at 12:55 AM, Saturday, March 9th]

Deleted because Ozzy deleted a part of his post.

[This message edited by HellFire at 12:56 AM, Saturday, March 9th]

Removed that bit HF

Removed that bit HF

I deleted it on my end as well.

If your WW is truly remorseful, she should be willing to give you everything. I mean everything. You can buy a smart phone, install her account and it’s basically a clone. You will be able to see any app, password, chat etc. no, it’s impossible for you to monitor every potential app that will allow an affair. I don’t know android, but IOS if you have her phone clones you can see apps she’s installed, photos taken/deleted, and will have every account username/password for every social media or message app. I made that a boundary for me to R, I have a cloned phone and I can check/see anything, plus I have all of her passwords so I have the social media apps on my phone that she uses and I can check anytime I want.

Can I stop it all? No of course not, but it’s not about me stopping her, it’s about her proving that she won’t hide anything and that if I really wanted to find something if she was I could. It’s about her willingness to show she has nothing to hide ever again. Just like my WW, the only person who can prevent cheating again is her.

I don’t know your story, and based on your exchange with Hellfire, I appreciate there may be some context for why you’re asking this question specifically, but here is my answer in any event.

Where I live WhatsApp is commonly used for group texting/messaging. My husband and I have long used it with our respective families and friends (far before the A ever happened). I -personally - am fine for us both to continue it after the A. That said, as a precondition of agreeing to R, I wanted to know his login information to all of his messaging accounts and have access to his phone whenever I want. He continues to be happy to provide me with any of this, if it makes me the even the slightest bit more comfortable/confident in trusting him.

Other people are entitled to set whatever boundaries/conditions they have for their own relationship. I can imagine for other couples, if their spouse was not regularly using WhatsApp for legitimate purposes before the A, it would be reasonable to say that this was a no-go afterwards. I know that if I found out my husband had downloaded a new messaging app that I wasn’t familiar with, I’d be (appropriately) concerned. The fact that my husband is open with his phone (and the rest of his life) is what is important to me.

Some people will say that all of this is silly or pointless because if he really wanted to find a way to cheat, he would. There are things like burner phones and workarounds to tracking and obviously I cannot truly know where he is at every second of the day. And yes, of course I suppose that is true. But my inability to (or lack of interest in) tracking my spouse’s every movement, doesn’t meant that he should not take reasonable steps to assure me that he’s being transparent. That is an example of the perfectionist fallacy - and we all know that perfect is the enemy of good. For example, I know that my seatbelt won’t necessarily prevent all injuries if I’m in a motor vehicle accident, but I wear it anyways because I know it’s safer than the alternative. Make sense?

There's no particular motive from my personal story to this question... just as I said if you tarred people here who used WhatsApp it would but minimum 99% of the population (including my 10 year old son).

Just food for thought for people posting.

Social media is a huge issue with cheaters as well.

Just because a large amount of the population does it, doesn't mean that, after infidelity, a bs should be ok with their ws using certain apps.

Also, keep in mind,many bs here have a ws who messaged their ap,using whatsapp.

It's nice that you're so comfortable with it that you think it's ok for kids to use...but every bs has the right to set any boundary surrounding certain apps that they wish. If the ws refuses, then that says something.

One of consequences of cheating is that the cheater loses the benefit of the doubt. Arguably the most challenging struggle for a WS trying to save their marriage is that they can’t do certain things that are perfectly normal for most people without arousing suspicion.

That’s still a rather small shit sandwich compared with the one their BS has to swallow.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 12:43 PM, Saturday, March 9th]

Just because a large amount of the population does it, doesn't mean that, after infidelity, a bs should be ok with their ws using certain apps.

Agree wholeheartedly.

I have been just fine not having Facebook for almost 14 years. Initially deleting my account was something my husband needed me to do, then I was actually happy without it.

I just recently had to add WhatsApp to my phone for work purposes. I have also used other apps for that purpose because we share sensitive patient info.

It’s not about tarring specific apps. It’s about maintaining boundaries and transparency. What will make one person feel more comfortable may not be necessary for the next person. Not every WS takes a poly. Some do because that’s what the WS needs to move forward. When it comes to apps, take what you need and leave the rest.

Need to be more specific. I'm not talking about other apps, just WhatsApp. Seems it isn't as prevalent in the states, so I get a bit more why it might seem dodgy. But if someone posts from the UK, just to let you all know that using it shouldn't be considered a red flag in any way shape or form. It would be like tarring every person with a phone.

Just trying to give you all a heads up!

Apps simply make illicit convos easier. Thus making cheating easier. Does not matter the app. If someone is going to cheat, they are going to cheat

I myself don't use messaging apps for anything. I am quite happy with being a dinosaur.

When I was a much younger man, in the days of Rotary Phones, answering machines, and phone booths,cheating took a much more concerted effort because there were less avenues of communication. Imagine the most technologically advanced thing offered to you to be a Pager? I did have an answering service at one time....it was the bartender at the local bar I frequented. If I wasn't working,I was there. And that's where I got all messages.

Just trying to give you all a heads up!

Thank you for that .

You’re right, if they want to they will. Whatever ways they can find, they’ll make it happen. We cannot control them and the idea of living a life of constantly expending our energy trying to police them is so unpleasant and futile. There are better ways to spend our time, better ways to have a partnership.

The weight of this proof falls on the WS to do their internal work towards healing and learning different coping skills to maneuver the hardships of life. To become a safe partner.

Consistent changed behavior over lengths of time builds trust. If we decide to stick around, I think the best thing to do is keep a guard up and watch their actions. As they work on themselves, we focus on ourselves and our own healing. If throughout this time they prove through actions that they can be better partners then we can assess whether we can stay and rebuild with them from this new space.

T/J

I have been just fine not having Facebook for almost 14 years. Initially deleting my account was something my husband needed me to do, then I was actually happy without it.

I LOVE my life without social media. I opted to let it go years ago, returned to it briefly and decided I was much happier without it.

When my FWS had her affair, she used the most effective means of cover that exists, and that was true then as well as today. A combination of lies and a trusting husband.

So, if you are thinking about having an affair, get yourself a trusting spouse!

It was very effective cover.

Standingrighthere: I am struck by the uncanny similarity of both what you wrote and many details of wife's first and principal affair which happened over fifty years ago. There wss no Internet let alone social media, just the old fashioned work environment affair with a supervisor, A doctor at the hospital where she worked, hooked up at.work, consummated it at.work and kept it going thete, and I too wss a trusting, naive and completely received husband.