Topic is Sleeping.
Gomega73 (original poster new member #84498) posted at 11:12 PM on Monday, March 11th, 2024
I’ve cheated on my wife first time in 2003 and the last eleven years visiting prostitutes. At the same time I’ve had a porn addiction since I was a teenager. She found about it nearly two years ago and we have been working on our reconciliation ever since.
However, she does not feel safe with me and she has asked me several times to get involved in this forum. Truth is I have been giving away only small pills of truth during these two years and this hasn’t helped rebuild the necessary trust.
My wife is asking me for safety and I’m quite lost, where should I start?
Any help will be highly appreciated.
WalkinOnEggshelz ( Administrator #29447) posted at 5:36 AM on Tuesday, March 12th, 2024
Hello and welcome.
One of the best tools to get everything out is to write a timeline. Put it all on paper however works for you be it a narrative of what has happened or a bullet point with dates to the best of your knowledge.
I also recommend reading How to Help Your Spuse Heal From Your Affair. It’s very straight forward and less than 100 pages, but full of excellent recommendations.
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.
ChampionRugsweeper ( new member #84237) posted at 3:15 PM on Tuesday, March 12th, 2024
I’m also going to recommend writing a timeline. My affair was 18 years ago so finding old calendars and work schedules was helpful to put some things in the right place.
Write it all down and then go over it and write more. Some people find it helpful to do a coles notes timeline and then a detailed one with all the nitty gritty details, so your spouse can choose if they actually want that level after reading the first one. The trickle truth is the death by 1000 cuts to your relationship. Every new truth starts you over again 3 steps back so it’s best to just get it all out and then see where you stand. Holding things back to protect yourself at this point is just going to further hurt your spouse.
Are you in counselling? Have you brought up the porn addiction with a counsellor? I found some things helpful in the Sexual Addicts Annonymous little green book that helped clarify some things for me. Would also recommend "how to help your spouse heal" by Linda McDonald. Make sure it is the McDonald one as apparently the other one is less than helpful
What have you done so far to help make yourself a safe partner for your spouse?
Me WS. Him BS. 5 month PA DD 1 : Aug 2006. Minimized, Deflected, Blame shifted, Gaslit. DD 2: Aug 2023 not new affair just actual disclosure
Topic is Sleeping.
