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July of 2023 was the last time my WH and I had sex or were intimate physically. DD was 8/7/23, I'm still fence-sitting on my decision to R or D. He is primarily doing all the right things, honestly trying his best. He is trying to be vulnerable and open up rather than compartmentalize. He stated that he is sexually frustrated and is working on this and has no expectations of me.

I'm also sexually frustrated and have started thinking about having sex with him again. I'd like to hear others' opinions on how sex has impacted you and your relationship, especially if you were undecided. I'm worried about it causing rug sweeping, false R, a new expectation, etc. I've explained this and he understands that having sex wouldn't mean anything about the future of our relationship. I'm worried about the impact it might have on my ability to make a decision. We have not had sex for this long primarily because I wanted to avoid hysterical bonding but that feeling/desire subsided after a few months and now I feel more stable.

Thoughts? Opinions? Experiences?

Hard to answer because everyone is so different when it comes to sex and emotional bonds.

After my affair we had hysterical bonding but it didn’t make him less angry or feel healed, nor did we rugsweep.

After his, I am like you I couldn’t successfully have sex. We would try and I would get mind movies or I would emotionally flood, and we would have to stop. And we had this one disaster where he actually looked at porn during and then we didn’t attempt it again for months and months. It sounds horrible, but honestly it was something we did sometimes before his A. It was normal behavior but poorly timed (read the room dude)

Many bw’s here report doing it for them and being pretty selfish about it and that worked for them.

But personally I don’t think just because you have sex with him you will want to or have to rugsweep. Reconciliation happens in stages, gradually. If you wait to feel reconciled you might be a long time without sex.

I will warn you though, after a year of no sex (we had never gone even a month without it) it’s a little awkward and can feel very vulnerable. Be kind and patient with yourself if you choose to proceed.

You very recently found a letter, in which he writes about a very detailed sexual fantasy with a coworker. And the ow was a coworker.

I'd hold off.

Sex is emotional for women. It will cloud your judgment.

Honestly, I viewed hysterical bonding as a net positive. I didn't really have the break you did though, I was doing it (ha!) before I ever understood what it was called. Learning that HB was a thing actually made me feel less guilt about it all (I had some shame that I was being a pick-me, spineless, weirdo by wanting to be with him at all before that).

It was a tiny bright spot and piece of connection during a period of turmoil and grief and misery. Just lying together afterwards - even if I cried, and that was not uncommon - involved some little oxytocin burst that helped. I don't think either of us believed that it meant that things were okay - things were clearly, DEMONSTRABLY not okay. But it felt good to have light moments. I had to check in with myself regularly during that period, to be make sure I wasn't doing it for him or to try to love bomb him back (definitely wouldn't recommend that). I think there were times where there was an element of me being territorial (I liken it to a dog marking their property), but mostly I was doing it because I wanted to and it felt good in the moment, and lord knows I needed whatever help I could trying to feel good during that period.

Another reason I'm kind of glad I did HB, was that I feel like we got that out of the way and avoided a scenario where sex turned into some big symbolic momentous thing. I have read stories about some BS who really struggle with the sexual aspect in R and feeling like their physical attraction to their spouse was totally gone, and I'm not blaming them for any of that (we all react to trauma differently), but I'm just grateful that I didn't have to go through that as I had enough on my plate. Don't get me wrong, I had my fair share of sexual hang-ups and triggers and mind movies throughout it all that came on unexpectedly and without warning, and there were many MANY times we stopped midway through and I cried or yelled or retreated. You will have them too I assume, that is normal and it comes with the territory. But my experience has been that the best way to get through/past triggers is simply to face them head on (preferably in a safe, controlled environment), rather than simply avoid them. Avoidance has its place and utility, we can only handle so much at a time, but blanket avoidance doesn't encourage or facilitate coping.

Again, this was just me and my experience. I was able to separate sex from love-making (for me, hysterical bonding was definitely the former rather than the latter). If you are worried about your ability to think clearly if you are sleeping with him, I would maybe make a point of proceeding more cautiously than I did (the fact that you're even making this post, suggests that you've already proceeded far more cautiously than I did ). As always, be sure of doing regular check-ins with yourself and your spouse, to see if you are able to be objective with where you're at. You can always change your mind if you need to.

To add: Because Hiking and Hellfire posted while I was drafting my response.

I will warn you though, after a year of no sex (we had never gone even a month without it) it’s a little awkward and can feel very vulnerable.

Yes, this is what I was talking about when I was saying that taking a break could make sex bigger. Again, I'm not suggesting that this was the wrong decision for Hiking or you or anyone. I can just see it being awkward and I was glad I didn't have the opportunity to overthink it.

You very recently found a letter, in which he writes about a very detailed sexual fantasy with a coworker. And the ow was a coworker.

I wasn't aware of this part of your story. I still think you're a big girl that should do what she wants with her own body, if you're able to keep sex/love separate, but..... in light of this, I'd be remiss not to ask whether you're feeling pressured to return to sex because, for whatever reason, you feel like your husband NEEDS it in order to stay faithful and may continue 'acting out' if he does not get it. You don't have to answer that here, I just want you to be honest with yourself on this.

Edit 2: After re-reading your most recent post about the letter (I remember seeing this when it came up, I just didn't realize it was you), I think I understand more about your specific concerns related to sex and I definitely understand why you took sex off the table in the first place. Because this feels pretty important, I think I am going to change my vote on this one.

Regardless of whether your husband has a full-blown sex/porn addiction or anything diagnosable or clinical, I think its probably fair to say he has some unhealthy ideas and compulsions surrounding sex and porn, and his ideas or beliefs about what his "needs" are have probably impacted the way you view sex. The fact that he had an A complicates this further and makes sex even more fraught. My husband has never once cited "getting his needs met" as a reason we should have sex, or as playing any part of his A. Because this was not and has never been an issue in my marriage or in my R, I feel totally unqualified providing actual advice on this. That said, I would encourage you both to see a sex counsellor (either separately or together - or both) to seek professional help in rebuilding this part of your marriage.

Best of luck to you both.

After posting this I got thinking....
I'm wondering if my sexual desire/frustration is more of a hysterical bond trigger from the fantasy story???
(The post is in the reconciliation forum).

I also feel like I'm getting increasingly nervous about having sex again for the first time in a long time and am thinking maybe having a go at it to feel more confident again before making a decision. I'm so insecure in this area and feel like I almost want to get some confidence back before I make my final decision.
This probably makes no sense.

Loving the feedback and conversation!