So... here I am once again, back at the only place that offered me some semblance of sanity and peace when I first found out. Brace yourself for rambling, long, intertwined, and chaotic streams of thought.
Trigger warning: Graphic Death by illness.
Me (31M), Her (29F)
I made some posts last year when I discovered my then-girlfriend of 6-years work-exit affair. Feel free to delve into those if you want a closer look at what transpired. But I'll provide a brief overview regardless, although this is a "reconciliation" forum. I hope this doesn't violate any rules, but I feel compelled to outline what occurred to provide context. The crux of this post, however, pertains to reconciliation.
So... let's break this down into three phases.
Phase 1: Found Out Stage
Phase 2: Pre-Death
Phase 3: Post-Death
Phase 1:
We were together for six years. Five of those years were wonderful. No toxicity, no shenanigans. Just a healthy relationship. The sixth year was incredibly tough. She became heavily involved with marijuana. I struggled at work and university. We both lost sight of ourselves, and consequently, our connection to each other waned. I became neglectful and overly dependent on her. She ended up leaving me, and I had to move into a dismal apartment. For a couple of months, she sent mixed signals, denying her affair and gaslighting me expertly. This denial, despite the evidence, inflicted considerable damage. It's an unforgettable feeling to confront someone while knowing the truth but being lied to directly. This deception was more damaging to me than the actual affair. Amidst all this, my father passed away from a heart attack two months earlier. Edit: No, one moment. She started the affair a couple of weeks before he died (her affair started November 2022). She essentially abandoned me in the midst of grieving our relationship, my lost home, and the death of my father. By the way, I grew up without a mother. So yes, I was utterly alone.
The affair was an illicit escapade with her married coworker, a betrayal that unfolded even in our home. This violation of our sacred space remains unforgivable to me.
She ended the affair, although her coworker persisted in pursuing her. After issuing an ultimatum, we eventually reconciled.
Phase 2 (Initial Reconciliation): Things slowly but surely improved. There were ups and downs, of course, but the lows gradually dissipated. She became affectionate and caring once again, displaying understanding and empathy towards me. We engaged in lengthy conversations, made plans, and worked on ourselves.
I managed to pull myself together, securing a great job at an international IT consultancy. Meanwhile, she made efforts to change her behavior, showing remorse and accountability for her actions.
She went to the US to visit her sister, a decision that was tough for me but understandable. It was her only opportunity to spend an extended period with her sister, especially since she was not currently employed. Unfortunately, her sister tragically passed away ten days before Christmas 2023. But more on that later.
Phase 3: One day, she called me to inform me that both she and her sister were sick with the flu. I advised her to stay strong, stay hydrated, and seek medical attention if necessary. I reminded her that her cousin was nearby if they needed help.
The flu worsened, and her sister's condition deteriorated rapidly. Despite my urging, her sister refused to go to the hospital due to fears of medical expenses. The next morning, my girlfriend frantically contacted me, informing me that her sister had passed out, her legs were discolored, and her private area was swollen and bleeding. She rushed her sister to the emergency room.
The diagnosis was streptococcus and sepsis. Her sister was placed in a coma, and doctors amputated both of her legs and one hand in a desperate attempt to save her life. She briefly regained consciousness before passing away.
It still feels surreal to me. I knew her sister for seven years. She was a wonderful person and left behind a seven-year-old child.
I'm only scratching the surface with this explanation. The ordeal felt like descending into an abyss. It was utterly horrific. My girlfriend practically witnessed her sister's slow death before rushing her to the emergency room. Understandably, my girlfriend is overwhelmed with guilt and shame for not acting sooner. But no one could have predicted the severity of the situation.
Now, onto why I'm writing this post:
Since returning to our country, she has made little progress. The entire situation is surreal. Our relationship is shattered by her affair. Our lives have been turned upside down by her reckless actions. Her sister died beside her, and she will never see her nephew again due to the father's behavior. She's unemployed, lacking in friends, and utterly lost. It's a complete mess. Sometimes, I struggle to comprehend how we reached this point.
She's turned to incessant marijuana use as a coping mechanism. When she's not smoking, she's erecting walls around herself and her grief. She refuses to take action or engage in meaningful conversation about her feelings. I understand the crushing weight of grief, but there comes a point where one must take control. It's been almost four months, and she remains stagnant. She's attending therapy, albeit half-heartedly, and refuses to envision a future for herself. If confronted with her grief, she shuts down or initiates futile arguments. She avoids calls when she's sad and resists any attempts to reintegrate into life.
Overall, I'm at a loss. I'm still grieving, too. I'm grieving the loss of myself caused by her betrayal. I'm far from healed, but currently, she's unable to contribute to our healing process. I understand this, but at the same time, I struggle to muster any more compassion for her. I'm unsure if this is normal or if I'm simply being callous. We once made promises and shared moments of clarity, but now I find myself caring for a woman who left me wounded in a swamp of lies.
It may sound childish, but she should be the one making an effort now. Obviously, she's unable to do so. But I also find myself incapable of making any further efforts.
To conclude, I suppose my question is: am I normal? Is this situation normal?
I'm typically a very empathetic person. I would never be so indifferent to my significant other's grief. The person I once knew would have cared for his partner with the utmost tenderness. Yet here I am, feeling apathetic...
[This message edited by DeGeGuy at 12:25 AM, Monday, March 18th]
