SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I wasn’t sure where this post would belong, it’s more than "The Book Club" and not really "Off-Topic" so I felt "General" to be the best fit.
A couple of weeks ago I had the immense pleasure of having a 1 ½ phone call with Daphne Rose Kingma. It was like 50 therapy sessions in 1 session. The amount of personal insight I've had since the call has been so impactful that I’ve just been basking in the reflection.
Since DD I have been reading non-stop books on love, infidelity, attachment, etc. One book I found extremely intriguing was "Coming Apart" by Kingma. The book details WHY we are in certain relationships and basically how to survive the ending of your relationship. For the most part, we all experience "childhood deficits" and I have been doing a lot of IC and reading to understand my deficits as well as my WH. The next part discusses "development tasks" we need to complete and how certain relationships offer us the ability to complete these tasks. Those of you who have done IC, researched attachment, family of origin, etc. will appreciate the importance of this. I was struggling to understand the relationship between my deficits and what tasks I was intended to be completing.
Daphne did a wonderful job of asking questions, holding space, and never "telling" me any insights just very skilled at asking the right questions, in the right way, in the right sequence.
This may sound odd to some but we often repeat our childhood patterns (unknowingly) and end up in similar dynamics to learn from. Hence "daddy" and "mommy" issues or marrying the dad/mom you never had. I saw some of this, my WH is very different than my father, but I think I was more fulfilling another need and so talking to her REALLY helped things click into play. I am an only child and worked with older adults for many years. I HATED being an only child and felt so isolated and immersed in my parent's toxic patterns. To add to this lonely/sad distorted belief I worked with older adults and my experience very much was around individuals dying alone and miserable in aging. My WH (raging ADHD) was ignored/neglected given no direction or nurturing.
We saved one another. I provided direction, nurturing, and patience and he provided the companionship and passivity my dad did not, basically, I was a maternal figure for him and he was a sibling figure for me. I know that can sound really weird, I’m not talking sexual dynamics at all, this is subconscious stuff.
I’ve been on the fence…for months, years really. Leaving him subconsciously feels like going back to an only/lonely isolation, losing a family member/sibling, and abandoning my husband like his family did. This knowledge and insight provide me an understanding I hope to allow me to see my fears for what they are, and that the subconscious story doesn’t have to be the truth. I know that sounds obvious to some but your own shit can be so damn confusing. What am I going to do now? Start making decisions based on this information. Making sure I’m not staying, choosing R, out of fear, inappropriate guilt, or over-responsibility.
If I get another chance to have a call with her I will jump because I'd love to process my insights with her and focus on what's next.
I’m sure there will be more to come on this….
Thank you all for being here and working through this with me.

That's so cool, lessthinking!

That sounds amazing, and like you gained so much insight from one phone call!

That is so interesting...thank you for sharing !!

Sometimes people with great reputations deserve them.

How interesting to see your life broken down like that.

I think many people marry (subconsciously) their parents in some way. You think you are marrying the opposite (lol) but if you dig down, there are similarities.

Great insight!