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Just Found Out :
How could she do this to me?

Topic is Sleeping.
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 minicheddars (original poster new member #84810) posted at 8:01 PM on Tuesday, April 30th, 2024

My wife went out last weekend with her friends and was staying out for the night (sharing the room with a friend), she gave me a kiss and promised she'd message me during the night and left. I got a message nearly 7 hours later when she was getting ready to go to bed, couple of messages back and forth, including a message saying she thought she'd broken her toe, got my head down and went to sleep.

She was due to be at work early the next morning. 2 hours after she should have started work I was heading out to the shop and would pass where she had stayed the night. As I got near, I got a message, "she hadn't gone to work but would be home soon". I rang her (thinking she might need something for the pain), no answer, no answer. I passed where she had stayed and her car was in the car park. I carried on driving, went to the shop, rang her, no answer.

About to head home, I checked her location and she was still there, rang her, no answer. I had a gut feeling and on my way home I turned into the car park. Rang her, no answer.

The place she stayed was a motel type of place, and I could see from when I checked her location pretty much where she/her phone was. This place has a row of 10 rooms and a row of 4, her location said she was in the row of 4. I parked up and could see that 3 of the 4 had already been vacated, so I knocked on the door of the 1 still in use. No answer.

I asked an employee if they could help me, they said they would go get someone.

The manager came out, I explained the situation, pointed out my wifes car, explained what was going on - to be told my wife was in the room I had knocked on with another man.
The manager told me the man she was with had just called reception saying they were ready to leave, but wouldn't until I left. The managers advice was to leave and deal with my wife when she got home.

I sent my wife a message calling her a 'cheat', within minutes she was calling me. She was all of a sudden driving home, I told her about what had happened, what I'd been told, we both got home and we had it out.
She denied everything, anything I said she had an answer for. She told me she stayed in a different room number, told me if I had gone into reception I would have seen her eating breakfast, we must have missed each other by seconds, her phone was in the room on charge etc.

I didn't want to believe what she had done.
The next morning I went back to the hotel to complain that I had been told something that could destroy my marriage. It was the same manager, during our discussion they showed me evidence that the room my wife says she was in on the night, it was empty! They obviously couldn't show me CCTV footage, but they told me that they saw her arrive and go straight to the room and not check in, they told me she was in the bar during the night with a man, not her friends. They told me she was not having breakfast on the morning like she said she was. She told me something was on the TV in the bar, the manager told me they don't have that channel.
They told me after I left they collected the keys from the room, spoke to the man who apologised about the trouble, saying my wife told him she was separated. The manager told me my wife was stood in the room, back to the door. I asked them to describe her, and they described my wife exactly!!

Why would the hotel lie? My wife denies everything, but cannot provide any proof...maybe her word should be good enough, but everything the hotel have told me, shown me, suggests she has cheated.

Really random idea, I mean, we are not kids but with our marriage hanging by a thread, with nothing else to prove to me, she could ask her 3 or 4 friends to contact me, reassure me that it is somehow mistaken identity and they were together...but getting them to do that if they weren't there, she had cheated, well....clearly she couldn't.

If she had simply gone to work, none of this would have happened, I'd have had no reason to be calling her, no 'gut feeling' to go into the hotel. Maybe she would have still done whatever has happened, but I'd be oblivious.

posts: 9   ·   registered: Apr. 30th, 2024   ·   location: UK
id 8835260
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emergent8 ( Guide #58189) posted at 8:09 PM on Tuesday, April 30th, 2024

I'm sorry minicheddars,
I think your wife's story definitely sounds suspect. I think if I were you I'd definitely ask her to provide the names/contact information for the friends and ask for a copy of the room invoice from them. I'd probably also follow-up with the friends' spouses to confirm if you don't trust the friends to be honest with you. I'd probably also request access to her phone and bank/credit card records.

BTW, going out to a bar and spending the night in a hotel with friends on a worknight seems like kind of strange behaviour in the first place. Is this normal in your relatioship?

Me: BS. Him: WS.
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
Happily reconciled.

posts: 2169   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8835261
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 8:17 PM on Tuesday, April 30th, 2024

I think you know the truth. What you do with it is up to you. It will be difficult to maintain a healthy marriage until you get the truth.

Good luck.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 4385   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8835262
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FunHouseMirror ( member #80992) posted at 8:36 PM on Tuesday, April 30th, 2024

What her friends say mean nothing. She cheated. You found out because you care about her and wanted to help her if she needed help. If you are to have any hope of saving this marriage she needs to tell you the truth.
The hotel didn't have to tell you anything. They probably shouldn't have as that's how people get shot. But they were kind and honest enough to let you know what is really going on.

Who you gonna believe, her or your lying eyes?

posts: 250   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2022
id 8835263
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1994 ( member #82615) posted at 9:11 PM on Tuesday, April 30th, 2024

Sorry you had to find yourself here, but you have a good community who can offer advice and support. The bottom line is that you need to hold to the position that your wife is lying. Furthermore, you should prepare for the possibility that this is not her first time.
Do not accept her words at face value, nor those of her friends.
First: do NOT do the pick-me dance. Begin to emotionally, physically and financially disconnect from her. Check out the Learning Library here and pay special attention to Grey Rock/180. This is to provide you with some space so that your rational mind can help make decisions less encumbered by your emotions. It pays to disconnect.
Ask her pointed questions and have her write out her answers. Don't neglect to ask questions about prior infidelity. Then ask her to submit to a polygraph. Having a written response will make it harder later to gaslight you into believing you or she misheard one another.
Also, go ahead and consult with an attorney. You can get a consult for free at most places. They'll be able to tell you what a divorce would look like and what your options are.
Finally, keep coming here. There's a lot of experience and wisdom that you could use right now.
Stay strong.

posts: 221   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8835266
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Trdd ( member #65989) posted at 9:52 PM on Tuesday, April 30th, 2024

Your wife's explanation should be in the dictionary as an example of gaslighting. You saw with your own eyes what was happening but she is saying it never happened. You don't need to have seen her having sex to know that is what she was doing in a hotel all night with another man. You uncovered all the evidence you need from her location and the hotel manager.

You need to read about the 180 process here in the library or in this subforum,it shows a way you can start to take the initiative back and get out of infidelity. Every moment she continues the lies you are still in infidelity.

The question is not did she have sex but how long has it been happening? Is it also an EA? Can you get access to phone records, texts and social media?

"I am not going to share you with another man. I am also not going to stay married to someone who gaslights me and lies out of both sides of her mouth even when I have a mountain of evidence to what really happened. If you come clean and tell me the full truth, we can then consider next steps. That may include R or D but at least we will have options based on truth. If you continue to gaslight me or stay in any type of contact with this guy then the only answer is D."

posts: 998   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8835270
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 10:29 PM on Tuesday, April 30th, 2024

Welcome to SI and so sorry you're here. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that are recommended reading for new members. Also, there are some posts that have bull's eye icons that are good reading, too. The Healing Library is another great resource, and it includes the list of acronyms we use.

I hope you realize that the hotel isn't lying to you - your WW (wayward wife) is. Unfortunately, cheaters lie and then lie some more. Her words are worthless. You pretty much caught her with all but her pants down.

You should be tested for STDs/STIs because you don't want another little reminder of this. If you have problems with depression or sleeping, please ask you doctor for some meds to help you through for a while. You may not need to be on them for long, but they can help out.

You may benefit from IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist. Infidelity is trauma, and can do all kinds of things to you.

Your WW should also do IC to work on her whys and to become a safe partner. MC (marriage counseling) isn't helpful in the early stages and can sometimes hurt you. IC for each of you, then MC can be later if it is part of your healing process. If you're going to D (divorce), you won't need MC. Your M (marriage didn't cheat), she did.

She can also start by getting the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's a great place to start and gives very good advice.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3933   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8835275
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 minicheddars (original poster new member #84810) posted at 12:07 AM on Wednesday, May 1st, 2024

emergent8 - there is no room invoice. apparently the room was a prize in a charity raffle. won by a friend of her friend who then couldn't attend, so my wifes friend asked her to go.
I haven't asked, but there is no way she'd show me her phone or bank statement.
No, staying out like she did is not normal. She had a night out at Christmas with work friends and stayed out, but that is different. She also had a night out 3 weeks ago with the same friend she was supposed to be with on Friday - difference is, she was texting me all night, called me a couple of times etc. Friday, I heard nothing for 7 hours, but her kids did..I also noticed on FaceBook that she'd liked a mutual friends status, but didn't think to message me until nearly 11pm.

FunHouseMirror - right now, I don't think she is in a place to tell me the truth. She insists she has done nothing wrong. On Saturday she told me she'd have done exactly the same as I did, in fact, she'd have knocked on every door until she found me, but now I am in the wrong. I have created a drama out of nothing!

1994 - this is not the first time. In 2020 me and her best friend walked in on her with her best friends partner. She had nowhere to run that time. This time, I feel that because I was advised to leave and didn't actually see her, this has allowed her lies/denial to continue.

Trdd - funny you say that, she constantly accuses me of gaslighting, calling me a narcissist etc. We might have a heated disussion and she tells me I am 'getting clever' etc. Believe me, she shouts louder than I do.
I do believe that whatever happened on Friday was the 1st time, hopefully the dude has run a mile. Who knows... I mean she has disappeared for 5-6 hours during the day twice recently with a story e.g. went to see a friend, went shopping, so could be related!!

Leafields - I have diabetes and have been suffering with a bit of an issue 'downstairs' this has been a great focal point for her, accusing me of sleeping with someone and picking up an STD/STI. I tell her I haven't, swear I haven't, to be told keep that away from me etc

posts: 9   ·   registered: Apr. 30th, 2024   ·   location: UK
id 8835288
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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 2:17 AM on Wednesday, May 1st, 2024

A one night stay in a shitty motel during the week...that was a prize in a charity raffle? How dumb does she think you are?

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:57 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced

posts: 1869   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8835297
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fareast ( Moderator #61555) posted at 2:45 AM on Wednesday, May 1st, 2024

Very sorry you find yourself here. Do read in the healing library and take care of you. You do realize that the louder she yells and tries to deflect she is trying to bully you into silence and accepting her story. Don’t be bullied. You deserve a faithful partner. It appears she is a repeat cheater since the first instance in 2020. And this time you caught her out again. I am not sure if a polygraph is available to you in the UK, but having her take one could be revealing. Be very alert and aware. Good luck.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:46 AM, Wednesday, May 1st]

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3948   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8835298
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Legatus ( member #79152) posted at 5:00 AM on Wednesday, May 1st, 2024

You know what you discovered at the hotel and I know why you’re looking for a reason not to believe it. I don’t blame you. No one wants to face that. You’ve caught her twice now . Gently, are you that lucky/unlucky to have caught her 100% of the time? What ever became of the toe? For some reason I seem to be fixated on that. Was it broken? I hope you’re taking care of yourself and putting your needs first right now.

posts: 153   ·   registered: Jul. 21st, 2021
id 8835315
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Talisman ( member #75398) posted at 6:00 AM on Wednesday, May 1st, 2024

You are not some kid to be fooled in this way. You know what happened. The real question is what are you going to do about it. If you let it go, it will happen again and again.

Are you willing to let her carry on this way? You need to get your affairs in order and protect yourself financially. If you have kids, and they are young, you need to protect yourself on that front too. Get yourself an attorney and make sure you get a good one and then kick her ass to the kerb!

posts: 111   ·   registered: Sep. 11th, 2020   ·   location: UK
id 8835317
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 10:42 AM on Wednesday, May 1st, 2024

I’m sorry you are faced with someone as a spouse who is so darn evil!!

Next time you speak, you don’t ask her if she cheated. You tell her you KNOW she cheated. And if she’s not willing to be honest then you will have some decisions to make.

You then leave the room.

You then read up on the 180 in the healing library.

You then get yourself some professional counseling to help you deal with the mental trauma your wife is inflicting.

And then from there you decide what to do about your situation - divorce, separate or reconcile and accept your wife for the liar and cheater she is.

I can tell you something that worked for me. I was in your shoes and when I would try to discuss things with my husband— he would try to lie his way out of the situation. I would look him in the eye and say "I’m sorry you don’t respect me enough to tell te truth". And I would leave the room and refuse to interact. After a few of those he got the message.

He realized I wasn’t going to allow him to sweep his affair under the rug. He realized he lost all power and control over me b/c I was planning to divorce him and I had nothing to lose.

Guess who wears the pants now - me! I changed the dynamics of our marriage. I used to think I was the lucky one because he was so wonderful. Now I realize he’s the lucky one — especially since I decided to reconcile with him.

I hope this helps you gain control in your marriage.

Don’t engage in her games. She starts yelling - leave the room. She can yell at the wall but she’s not going to bully you. Why does she yell? To deflect attention from her lying and cheating.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 11 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 14243   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8835320
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Jajaynumb ( member #83674) posted at 11:59 AM on Wednesday, May 1st, 2024

You’ve had good advice already OP. I’m sorry for the pain you’re in. I will just echo the other calls for you to see a lawyer, make yourself an exit plan and divorce her. Serial cheaters seldom change.

https://library.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/661294/worse-than-hell-yes-its-all-true/

posts: 174   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2023   ·   location: Europe
id 8835321
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Icedover84 ( member #82901) posted at 2:47 PM on Wednesday, May 1st, 2024

I know you're in denial, or at least you're desperate to BE in denial, but your gut, your heart, your cognitive thinking... they all know the truth regardless of that denial.

Your wife is not your best friend if she can do this to you twice. She cheated on you four years ago and you caught her in the act. She cheated again now, and you basically caught her in the act. The odds, unfortunately, are pretty stacked that she was not 100% faithful in the time between. She likely has engaged in emotional affairs at minimum, but potentially could have been physical an untold number of times.

Your wife is a cheater. She doesn't respect you enough to be honest with you, she thinks you're too stupid to catch her, so she gets sloppy.

This is going to require decisive action this time. You forgave her once, but you would be a fool to forgive her a second time. Please value yourself, don't let her walk all over you like that. If you're petty and have a lot of free time, go have consultations with as many attorneys as possible so it would be a conflict of interest for any of them to work with her. Either way, it's time to lawyer up.

[This message edited by Icedover84 at 2:51 PM, Thursday, May 2nd]

posts: 97   ·   registered: Feb. 20th, 2023   ·   location: NY
id 8835328
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Welsh ( new member #52343) posted at 2:25 AM on Thursday, May 2nd, 2024

Agree with other posters here. What you have is a compulsive liar, gaslighter and serial cheater. Time to exit this marriage and see a divorce attorney

posts: 3   ·   registered: Mar. 20th, 2016   ·   location: Mid-Atlantic
id 8835374
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DoofusMcDoofus ( new member #82967) posted at 5:13 AM on Thursday, May 2nd, 2024

OP,

That's a terrible story. I do credit you for not doing anything too rash. I highly doubt I would be able to control my emotions at all in a similar situation. Sadly, people like your wife will have no motivation to change their behaviors, unless subjected to concrete consequences.

Move accordingly and show her some consequence. I am sorry for your pain but you need to strike while the iron is hot and get her out of your life Toot Suite.

'tis better to have an end with horror than a horror without end

posts: 42   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2023   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8835385
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WisenItUp ( new member #80830) posted at 11:03 AM on Thursday, May 2nd, 2024

Cheddars I know this is probably way too soon for you to know, but which way are you leaning? Moving on or trying to see if she owns it and fixes herself?

A huge, huge red flag in your wife's character is not only did she cheat already, get caught red handed and then did it again...it is what she did in 2020. She not only was willing to betray you, she was also perfectly fine betraying her best friend at the same time. Two people she should be looking out for (you being the most important) and she couldn't have cared less.

Until she addresses the root cause of where her wires are crossed this is who she is as a person. She is willing to burn anyone to the ground to get what she wants.

posts: 3   ·   registered: Sep. 4th, 2022
id 8835394
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 minicheddars (original poster new member #84810) posted at 12:16 PM on Thursday, May 2nd, 2024

Thank you everyone for your kind words and advice. I have looked at the 180, I just need to get my head in the right space before I can do anything.

Right now my head is a complete mess. I know in my head and heart that absolutely everything suggests that my wife has cheated.
She is still denying it, I have asked her to somehow show me some proof that she is innocent, she must be able to prove her innocence somehow. She just tells me 'her word' should be enough.

There is still the option of going and viewing the CCTV, the hotel told me they'd happily show it.
I've told her, if it was me I'd be moving mountains to prove to her I'd not cheated.
Viewing the CCTV is not going to happen, I just know it isn't. But why not? If you've got nothing to hide, lets go see it.

My wife does struggle with her mental health at times and has been to the doctor this week.

I have reached out to get us some counselling.
When we talk, like we have this last few days I feel like we need a referee. e.g. we spoke yesterday and I was trying to explain that if she can prove her innocence, my trust levels would go through the roof. She takes the words I've used and says 'have you heard yourself...'

My original post, the events that happened, she tells me her friends don't think it sounds dodgy, they think the problem is ME.

Despite everything, I love my wife, do I want her to have cheated? Absolutely not. However, I need to know the truth.

The title for my post 'how could she do this to me' I had a heart attack earlier this year. Why has she done this, and why doesn't she want to fight for our marriage. Maybe she has checked out of our marriage and doesn't want to be with me, just hasn't told me!

I feel right now that this whole story from her side, it has all been meticulously planned and if guilty, is simply unforgivable.
I also feel that she is in too deep with the lies. I'm not sure she will actually have the decency to admit what has happened.

If only she could prove me wrong...

posts: 9   ·   registered: Apr. 30th, 2024   ·   location: UK
id 8835400
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Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 12:30 PM on Thursday, May 2nd, 2024

Perhaps look into hiring a private investigator who can get the CCTV recordings for you and research what happened and watch her going forward.

Dont tell her you are doing this if you choose to do so.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3657   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8835401
Topic is Sleeping.
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