SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well, after 3 years and 3 months of, um, recovery? I have finally pulled my shit together and nailed my path forward. After my IC session last Sunday, I came home, sat down next to my WW, and told her, either she begins IC or our marriage has no path forward. I had hoped she'd see the light on her own and start this process without me having to push it, but it has been enough time for this F'ing roller coaster ride to end. Many of you know my back story, and some have recently heard of my wife's current heart condition. My IC was a bit surprised when she suggested that I may waffle under the pressure of pushing through with my course given the new heart condition, but I said NO! It won't change my course. I do still love her and I hope things work out but I am so, so tired of this shitty world we call infidelity. I deserve better. I am worthy of better treatment. I can be happy alone, and I can see a future happiness without her. Recently a future alone has been feeling like it may be more fulfilling than a future together. However, should she work on herself, and initiate some form of change, then hope may reignite. She has agreed to IC so we will see how things develope. It was actually my IC's suggestion to make this demand. She said if you can just get her into some regular IC sessions, maybe she will see that it's not at all what she views as typical counseling. My IC is really pulling for us but her first hope is for me to get out of this pain and into a happy life.

Finding your inner strength really is good news, coping.

I'm sorry about your W's health problem. With some good luck, IC will allow your W to reduce her dis-tress, and that may help her heart.

I deserve better. I am worthy of better treatment. I can be happy alone, and I can see a future happiness without her.

Good for you Coping. Proud of you.

This is a great development. Now be diligent that she follows through

I don’t think you will regret this step.

I hope the cheater starts to get it.

Way to go, Coping! You do deserve better and I hope you find happiness.

Keep making your own plans forward. My experience was that when I "forced" IC as you have, it did little. When WH finally decided he needed/wanted IC for HIM - that is when the real progress came about. Keep caring for yourself - no matter what happens you WILL be glad you did.

The most encouraging thing to me here is you finding your badass voice. Her being pushed into IC will not be a magic bullet. Stand strong, you truly do deserve much much better than what she has given you. I don’t remember if you have done this or not, but for me the experience of talking to a lawyer and letting my mind envision a future without her was healthy and dispelled many fears that weren’t going to serve me well, R or D. Write down where you might live, what you might do with the newly open time and opportunities. What might you look for in your ideal partner? And that last one isn’t cheating, as it can apply just as well to what you expect from you wife if she is actually going to grow.

You got this, man.

What are you hoping IC will achieve?

What else is your wife doing to drive R?

What are you hoping IC will achieve?

It was my IC’s idea. My wife is so dead set against therapy she thinks it’s something it’s not. My IC suggested her going so maybe she’ll realize it’s not all talking about the affair. It’s kind of a last ditch effort to get her to engage in reconciliation. If she decides against it then we can be done. She’ll also need to show progress in it or we are done as well.

She’ll also need to show progress in it or we are done as well.

How do you expect to gauge progress? I ask as I went through the "you must go to IC - you need to figure out what your issues are that you could do this" etc. He went, for 6 months, and basically lied to the counsellor every freaking time, and ended up just complaining about ME for most of it. It was pretty worthless except that WH tells me later on that some of the things his counsellor said during those times did get stuck in his head. But during that time I took his going as a good sign - as progress. It wasn't.

WH later decided to go back to IC, after the A, our marriage, his work-life - basically everything blew up. He wanted to try to figure out why he could betray his own values so deeply. How he became this person. Things he wanted to know FOR HIM.

IMO the WS that goes to IC "for" their BS is going for the wrong reason - once they are there for them, that is when something good might come of it. So, I think to the extent you are seeking to gauge progress, I would look to your WS's desire to attend as time passes and their own why's that are unrelated to the A - more general why's are a good place to start.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 3:01 PM, Monday, May 27th]

Here’s my two cents.

You have been Reconciling for years but you also recognize only one half of the marriage is doing the work.

Your wife has not willingly changed. It would be fair to say that she may make an attempt but in the long run, it’s doubtful any of the changes will stick.

She has to WANT to make a change or go to IC or out more effort in. Ultimatums often don’t work or don’t last.

It’s like being an addict or alcoholic- you only clean up your act when YOU decide to do it. Your job cannot force you or your spouse or you kids etc.

The cheater on your case has to want this. If not, please don’t be surprised by her lack of actions.

Ultimatums often don’t work or don’t last

I questioned my IC about this as well and she said in this instance, it’s not an ultimatum. It is a choice, seek counseling or end the marriage, and my wife chose to seek counseling.

I agree that it may not take, but the hope is that she will realize counseling is something different than what she thinks it is.

[This message edited by Copingmybest at 6:23 PM, Sunday, May 26th]

I hope your plan works.

seek counseling or end the marriage

Sounds pretty ultimatum-y to me.

I really do hope that this makes a big difference for you, truly and genuinely. But I think everyone is wary for the same reason. Do yourself a favor and have a solid plan B in your back pocket.

Ink, I’m not holding my breath for a positive outcome. I’m still going to see an attorney to find out what D may look like. My IC told me that most times people won’t seek out IC until the pain becomes too much to take. I’m prepared to move on, I can almost taste what that may feel like. Just losing the weight of doing the heavy lifting of trying to save the relationship alone feels exciting. Sure I’ll still mourn the loss of the marriage, but one partner can’t save it without the others help.

Coping - I posted a thread on the healing timeline in general yesterday - my last post speaks to what you are talking about here. It is indeed freeing. I do hope your WS pulls her head out of _______ but I'm glad that you are showing signs of feeling better again. You will get there one way or the other. I can tell!