Hello everybody. It has been a while since I have posted on here or even commented on a post, but I still browse a couple times a week.
It has been just over five years since my first D-Day. Unfortunately, I had multiple so it’s been less time since the last one. While I am not sure I can say that I have reconciled with everything that happened, I am in a much better place today than I was even a year ago. I have finally made peace with my decision to stay with my husband, even though many urged me to leave him immediately. To stay or to leave is something I needed to reach on my own and ultimately I chose to stay primarily for my son and even my bonus kids. I know that is often frowned upon here, but I have my reasons and that’s that. I’m good with it.
I don’t think that a day goes by that I don’t think about his affairs, however it doesn’t usually make me sad or angry anymore. It’s often just a passing thought now. I do still get petty from the time to time and do things like check for the first AP’s obituary or check to see how much I could get in child support if we divorce. I know that’s horrible, but meh.
it always drove me nuts to see people say that their relationship was better after the affairs were found out. I can say that in a lot of ways yes, our relationship is better now. He pays attention to me again, he makes plans for us, he’s more thoughtful, he’s no longer financially taking advantage of me, doesn’t act like he’s smarter than me, it feels more like a partnership, etc. Could all of that have happened without the affairs? Absolutely had he not been a selfish jerk. I do think for him, he had to reach rock bottom with real consequences in order to finally smarten up. I went pretty hard on boundaries and what I needed in order to stay in a relationship with him. He knows that I have a zero tolerance policy now. I am now mentally and financially prepared to leave if need be. It took me longer to get there than some, but it was my journey. I also had a subpar relationship before D-Day, which I think makes a difference. I see so many people say they thought they had a great relationship, and the affairs took them completely by surprise.
That said, there are many things that were lost with the affairs and his choices that have not come back. For instance, that deep trust is gone. It’s more surface trust now. I know now what he is capable of and that he is fully capable of hurting me in terrible ways. I know now that he is capable of being so selfish that he would sacrifice his family for a little ego boost. Along with the deep trust being gone, the deep love is also gone. I do love him, but it’s not the same as it was before and I’m not sure it ever will be. These are just some examples, but in very meaningful ways, the relationship is not better. It would have been better had he never cheated.
SI helped me so much. To the many people who helped me through those initial years and called my husband out on his BS when he did post, I can’t thank you enough. There are too many to name here, but know I’ll always hold a special place for you. 💕 Unfortunately, my experience here hasn’t always been positive. Hopefully those people who did things like repeatedly told me I was codependent or had the nerve to ask me if I was OK with with my husband having sex with other women since I was staying for something other than crazy love are no longer here annoying other people who are just trying to survive and live their own journey.
For those early on in this mess, it does get better. It really does just takes time. It’s a painful journey though and not one I would wish on most people.
Sending love……
[This message edited by landclark at 7:45 PM, Tuesday, May 28th]
Me: BW Him: WH (GuiltAndShame) Dday 05/19/19 TT through August
One child together, 3 stepchildrenTogether 13.5 years, married 12.5
First EA 4 months into marriage. Last ended 05/19/19. *ETA, contd an ea after dday for 2 yrs.
